Since my doctor moved up my due date by 4 days I am officially over the half way mark. As happy and excited as I am to be that much closer to meeting baby T I am feeling 10x more fear. I am scared to death. I am scared for what is to come. I want to just be happy and anxious and ready but I am so terrified. I am scared of what kind of mom I will be, what kind of wife I will be, what kind of life we will have, how long ill get to keep him, what will change, what will stay the same, what issues will arise. I am sure many of these things are normal. I mean I remember feeling so many of these things with Makenzie but she was my first. I am not a first time mom anymore yet I feel like I am. The biggest change from my fears with Makenzie and my fears with this baby is with this baby I am honestly not worried about loving him. I worried so much with Makenzie about loving her enough. With this baby- I cant even believe how much I love him already. I remember that feeling when you meet your child for the first time and the incredible feeling you get. I don't have any doubts that will happen again. and I guess that is nice to not have to worry about but the worries I have now I think surpass that fear- with Makenzie I never worried about how long her life would be. I never worried about ways she could die. That just wasn't a possibility. and with this one. That is all I think about. I am trying to find a balance between being proactive in keeping him safe from things like the blinds cord or electrical outlets and then going insane seeing everything as a death trap for him and pretty much doing everything but build him a bubble to live in. There are so many things out there and so many experts have all these opinions on everything. I find myself going crazy trying to know what is the things I should get and what is really unnecessary.
but then realize no matter what I do- I cant stop everything.
There was no safety product I could have bought to keep my Makenzie alive.
Then I completely lose it. everything is so unknown. nothing is certain. there is no control.
I am praying everyday for this child's life. So we can have a life with him. So we can raise him. So he will see us go before we see him go. We just cant do it again.
I cant plan another funeral for my child.
I want to be excited. I want to be full of happiness for the life I will have with him. I want to stay positive and just thank God for however long he will give me but right now I just cant accept anything less than forever. I am scared to get excited for the future because I don't want to get my hopes up. I had so much planned for Makenzies life. I had toys and clothes that would last her until she was 3 or 4. Packing up 6 huge bins of girl things that she never got to have. Seeing this life Ryan and I imagined having with her. Knowing it ended so soon. I don't want to buy much of anything for baby T. I don't want to plan. So far his life has been mapped out on Makenzies timeline. I thought it will be nice to have him here on Christmas, we will have fun. and then I look a little more into the future and cant imagine a life with him past February. Makenzie never made it that far. Will this baby?
I should just have faith. I should just be thankful for any amount of time God gives us with our son. I should be doing a lot of things but I cant. I don't want to see an end. I don't want to have the beginning and an end of a lifetime with him. There is nothing I can do. There is nothing that will guarantee anything. So why cant I just let go? Why cant I just accept that? Why am I fighting it so much?
I hate when fear takes over.
I hate that I know this fear.
I hate that she isn't here.
I miss my daughter.
I want to be a mother of 2.
2 babies that are both here.