Tuesday, May 1, 2012

half way...

Since my doctor moved up my due date by 4 days I am officially over the half way mark. As happy and excited as I am to be that much closer to meeting baby T I am feeling 10x more fear. I am scared to death. I am scared for what is to come. I want to just be happy and anxious and ready but I am so terrified. I am scared of what kind of mom I will be, what kind of wife I will be, what kind of life we will have, how long ill get to keep him, what will change, what will stay the same, what issues will arise. I am sure many of these things are normal. I mean I remember feeling so many of these things with Makenzie but she was my first. I am not a first time mom anymore yet I feel like I am. The biggest change from my fears with Makenzie and my fears with this baby is with this baby I am honestly not worried about loving him. I worried so much with Makenzie about loving her enough. With this baby- I cant even believe how much I love him already. I remember that feeling when you meet your child for the first time and the incredible feeling you get. I don't have any doubts that will happen again. and I guess that is nice to not have to worry about but the worries I  have now I think surpass that fear- with Makenzie I never worried about how long her life would be. I never worried about ways she could die. That just wasn't a possibility. and with this one. That is all I think about. I am trying to find a balance between being proactive in keeping him safe from things like the blinds cord or electrical outlets and then going insane seeing everything as a death trap for him and pretty much doing everything but build him a bubble to live in. There are so many things out there and so many experts have all these opinions on everything. I find myself going crazy trying to know what is the things I should get and what is really unnecessary.
but then realize no matter what I do- I cant stop everything.
There was no safety product I could have bought to keep my Makenzie alive.
Then I completely lose it. everything is so unknown. nothing is certain. there is no control.
I am praying everyday for this child's life. So we can have a life with him. So we can raise him. So he will see us go before we see him go. We just cant do it again.
I cant plan another funeral for my child.
I want to be excited. I want to be full of happiness for the life I will have with him. I want to stay positive and just thank God for however long he will give me but right now I just cant accept anything less than forever. I am scared to get excited for the future because I don't want to get my hopes up. I had so much planned for Makenzies life. I had toys and clothes that would last her until she was 3 or 4. Packing up 6 huge bins of girl things that she never got to have. Seeing this life Ryan and I imagined having with her. Knowing it ended so soon. I don't want to buy much of anything for baby T. I don't want to plan. So far his life has been mapped out on Makenzies timeline. I thought it will be nice to have him here on Christmas, we will have fun. and then I look a little more into the future and cant imagine a life with him past February. Makenzie never made it that far. Will this baby?
I should just have faith. I should just be thankful for any amount of time God gives us with our son. I should be doing a lot of things but I cant. I don't want to see an end. I don't want to have the beginning and an end of a lifetime with him. There is nothing I can do. There is nothing that will guarantee anything. So why cant I just let go? Why cant I just accept that? Why am I fighting it so much?
I hate when fear takes over.
I hate that I know this fear.
I hate that she isn't here.
I miss my daughter.
I want to be a mother of 2.
2 babies that are both here.

6 comments:

Emma said...

Kendra,
I can't even begin to imagine how you feel, you are worrying about things no parent should every have to go through and you have. It is only natural that you will worry, that you will have these thoughts, its just a matter of trying to not let them outshine the excitement. Will they be there, absolutely. But the joy and love you feel are too and that will only grow as you get closer to holding your son and after you hold him in your arms. The worries will increase at times as well, but the joys will grow so enormous they will overcome!!
I am beyond thrilled and excited for you and cant wait to meet this little boy that Kenzie sent you!
Love and hugs, Em

Rafahi Family said...

My heart really breaks for you when I read this post. I honestly can relate when I think of all of the ways my kids can get hurt or die. I worry about something happening to them when I am not home. I pray everytime that I will come home to happy healthy kids.
Kendra, I know it will be so different for you. I know that your little boy will be so loved and that God will not have you go through such a difficult time again. We are keeping you in our prayers always!

Christina said...

Dear Kendra,
I feel so much for you. I know your fear in way I feel I shouldn't. I have not loss a child, and I pray daily and grateful daily for my beautiful babies. I have loss two pregnancies though. And I did lose my Father to Cancer after a long and awful battle that lasted 16 years. I try and enjoy each and every moment and at the same time try not to think about it. I feel so different from my peers. My views and worries all seem so different. I guess in a way thats why I feel connect to people that have had loss. We all think the same. We all know how precious life is and how fast it can be taken away. Sometimes I do wish I didn't feel these ways. But then I realize how much more I do show my love and really enjoy life. For that I am grateful. My wonderful husbands reminds me of this. I hope you find joy in your new little miracle's moments and know that Mackenzie is always with you and your family. Sorry if I babbled, and Thank you for Sharing your journey with us all.

Allison said...

have you seen ths SMA baby's blog? http://www.averycan.blogspot.com/ Heartbreaking, but I thought you would want to see. I am sure someone has sent it to you, but I thought I would anyways.

Angela, Tony & Mattiaus said...

Hello Kendra,

Came across your blog recently and I could not agree more with your latest entry. You read my mind on so many levels.

I lost my little boy, Mattiaus, just before his first birthday and I am pregnant again, almost 24 weeks. I wish I was naive again, not worrying about loss and heartache, knowing what it is like to plan your child's funeral. Children are not supposed to go before us, they're just not.

Wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy. I look forward to reading more posts :)

Take care, Angela

Chels said...

Kendra,

I understand the fear and uncertainty you feel, I felt that was when I was pregnant with my Noah. But I promise once little T makes his appearance and you get tohold him in your arms you will plan and make every minute with him as special as you did with Kenz. Trust in yourself and just allow all the love he will bring back to you and Ryan and enjoy every single minute!!
Thinking of you, Chels

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