levels of pain

pain is such a strange word. it has so many levels- to many meanings. you can fall and scrape your knee while playing, you can break up with a boy/girl friend, you can miss the bus, you can fail a test, you can have a falling out with a friend, you can burn yourself, you can lose a grandparent.
the levels are endless.
everyone feels these levels at one point or another.
life sucks!
why do we have to experience these levels?
why do we have to know the deepest darkest levels of pain.
sometimes i wish i could experience the pain i used to feel a million times over to never learn of this pain. this level, i don't think it is even on the charts. its grater than anything you could imagine. i used to say if something ever happened to my husband or my children i would just die. i would lay in bed and never get up, i would run my car into a wall, i would just stop breathing because it would be to hard- to imaginable.
how is it that I'm now in it? what happened? i feel part of my life was put on fast forward and now its on pause- now I'm realizing what happened. i see what life was like may 4th 2009 and now what may 4th 2010 is. what cruel joke was played on us? what did we do or not do in that time to get to this point? the level of pain. this level that makes me forget to breath.
that saying would come into my head over and over through life "just breath". you say it but in all actuality you are still breathing, its just a way to calm yourself and slow down.
on a daily basis now- i start to get light headed, the room starts to spin, i cant feel my fingers and then i realize- i stopped breathing. its not just a saying anymore. I'm not breathing. its like my whole body is so tired, so exhausted, so done with just trying to breath that it stops. without warning. i feel everyday I'm working harder than i have ever worked before just to keep from falling, from crumbing, from curling up under my desk, from hiding in the bathroom, from just running away from it all. many moments i just cant anymore. i have to stop. my heart stops, my breathing stops, my mind stops and i just freeze. this pain is indescribable. its everywhere. its all over me. every second. I'm learning everyday how to hide it. I'm doing a good job of it. some days better than others. what i feel like doing is running away. forgetting life. forgetting people i love. forgetting people who care about me. forgetting money, work, food, responsibility's. and just running. hiding from every single thing that reminds me of her. i have mapped it out before. i have planned my escape route. but then-- i realize that no amount of running or hiding will take me from this pain. she isn't here. that is covering every inch of me. sometimes i imagine pain being this black heavy tar. that tar is dumped on me by the truck loads. now I'm trying to fight against the tar but its weighing me down, its hot, its heavy, its crushing me and it never stops. this big tar truck follows me around everywhere and keeps dumping it on me. if i was to run- that truck would follow me.
oh how i ache. i say those words yet they don't have the true meaning behind them.
its not a side ache like when you run to much, its not a back ache like when you work to hard, its not even a missing you because your far away but coming back ache.
i wish i could come up with my own word. something that would explain this feeling exactly.
** i just named a whole list of things that might relate to what this feeling is- it was things like getting your arms and legs cut off- so i deleted it... no reason for everyone to see my twisted mind.
but even then-
its still an indescribable pain. its torture. and all those things i listed- still didn't compare to burying your baby.
there is no word. there is no definition. its unimaginable. it hurts.
but its the truth. its the scary- raw- not sugar coated truth.
you could never imagine this unless you were in it.




i wish she was here.
i wish she didn't hurt.
i wish i could have taken that from her.
this pain....