Thursday, May 13, 2010

5 months



Hi There Muffin.
I'm not sure how to write this. I have so many emotions and things I want to tell you. I wish I could have kept you longer so I could have remembered all these things. I wish I would have done more. I cant believe its been 5 months. You never reached your 5 month birthday. Mothers Day marked that day. The day I have been dreading. You have now been in heaven longer than you were in my arms. It hurts so much to think that, let alone say that. I'm not sure why that thought is so hard to accept but it is. I want you. I want to hold you Makenzie. I want to kiss your lips and I want to snuggle your body. I miss the touch of your skin. I miss your smell. I want so badly to just run from this nightmare. Be with you and live the life we were suppose to lead. We were suppose to go on more trips. We were suppose to show you the ocean, take you to the zoo, let you experience your first plane ride, let you experience life. I wanted to show you so much. I wanted to give you the world. I dreamed of who you would become. I dreamed of the women you would be. I know you are amazing. I know you would have made a huge difference in your life. I just didn't know it would be made within 5 months. I wish it was longer. I wish we didn't have to finish this life apart. I wish we could be together. Your Dad needs his hunting buddy. I need my drama queen.

I keep having dreams where I wake up and for a second think this isn't real. On Sunday I started to dream a dream that you were in. Then I was woken up by the dogs. I wouldn't open my eyes and I just prayed to fall back asleep and finish that dream. Then I told Ryan all I want to do is lay in bed and pretend our life is different.
He wouldn't let me.
I have a few people who literally drag me out of bed. They wont let me lay around and sink into a deeper depression. I'm grateful for those people. I'm trying to keep going.

I have realized right now I cant ever say I'm living- the only thing I can say is I'm surviving. The thought of living without you is unbearable. I cant even picture that. You gave me a new life and I just cant seem to live it without you in it. Maybe someday ill get to a place ill live again.

I cant thank you enough for your life Makenize.
Every smile, every tear, every giggle, cry, coo, poopy diaper was amazing. I am missing those days. I am missing you. I am dreaming of you. Every Second. Every Day.
Stay strong little one. I will be with you again. We will hold each other and never let go. Our family will be a family again. We will do everything we ever dreamed of. I'm sorry your life was so short but I hope you know how full of love it was. That is one thing I know for sure. You are so loved Kenzie. By EVERYONE. Anyone and everyone that knows you falls in love.
I miss you terribly.
Please, for tonight- hold your Dad and I a little tighter.
We need to feel you.
Visit us in our dreams.
Ill be waiting.
Love you to the moon.
*Momi*

7 comments :

Emma said...

Beautiful...so touching, I read through tears once again. Kenzie's life here on Earth and still today is so full of love, you are so right and I have no doubt she feels every bit of it from you and all of us who she has touched as well. Sending you love, hugs, prayers and strength....Em

Alerie said...

I am thinking and praying for you today as always. I hope you and Ryan are feeling Makenzie a little more right now and that she is visiting you in your dreams. Sending lots of love and hugs your way!!

Jenni said...

Well said. What a precious baby. Loves and hugs your way sweetie!!!*

Alerie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alerie said...

P.S. - that picture of her is so precious (i know i say that all the time, but she is just so cute!!)

brigette said...

How beautiful!! You are so strong. Thanks for always sharing. Sending many hugs your way today and always!

Jessica and Reecey said...

I love that picture -- she is such a gorgeous baby girl! I'll be thinking about your little family and praying you find a bit of comfort at this tough milestone.

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