didnt happen

I tried.
Harder than I ever have before.
It was forced though.
and
it didn't happen.
I wanted to dream of her last night.
I wanted to live in a different world for just one night.
Even if it only lasted a few seconds.
I wanted to pick her up in my dream, hold her and kiss that face.
I need it.
I am ready to crumble because its been to long.
there really was no sleep, definitely no rest. i was trying to picture her. i was pushing it into my brain. i was begging God and Makenzie to please let me drift off into that life. the few moments i actually was asleep dreaming, they were of dumb-weird-crazy dreams that i hardly remember. i would wake myself up mid dream realizing she wasn't in them and force myself back to her face. i kept asking over and over to please let me dream of her. i was squeezing her blanket, i was imagining her laugh, i was doing anything i could to get her in a dream.
i woke up and was angry. i didn't want to get up. i told ryan to go to work and i might call in. now here i am. needing to write. debating on weather to go to work or lay here the rest of the day and cry. its not fair. she isn't here. I'm trying to accept that. but. let me please dream of her. let me have a pretend life every so often.
my breathing is shallow. my eyes are fuzzy. its like i need that drug. that drug of my daughter. i need her. its deeper than wanting, its heavier than wishing- its every muscle in my body, its every emotion you can imagine, its a physical need. i know i need to get up. keep moving. i have things to do today for makenzie. today I'm going to talk about her. if you want to hear- ask. i don't care today. I'm not going to hide it. I'm mad, I'm frustrated, I'm sad. i miss my daughter. i want to hold her, kiss her, lay next to her- oh how i miss laying next to her. i want to feel her. today- I'm doing whatever i have to do so i can feel her.