i have this pit in my stomach.
i am shaking.
eyes are watery.
eyes are foggy.
i cant sit still.
my mind is racing.
i cant smile if i try.
i cant find the good today.
other trials in life don't matter.
i don't care
if my shoes match, if my hair is done, if i spell correct, if i made my bed, if i cooked, if i ate to much food, if my car ran out of gas, if i ran out of money. i don't care.
the only thing that matters isn't here.
why do people take this for granted?
why is it that you don't care for the greatest blessing you could receive?
i get physically sick when i hear about someone hurting their child.
its impossible for me to understand.
the past couple weeks have been hard- to say the least.
its been hard for months but in the last 3 weeks or so.
its almost like i cant fake it anymore.
I'm trying to be okay. but I'm not.
i haven't slept.
I'm trying so hard to dream of her- to live in a different world that as soon as a dream starts i wake myself up. i don't know how long i stay awake for but i know i wake myself up at least 4-5 times a night which is leaving me exhausted. i have so many things going on in my mind i cant keep them straight. between work, school, MRW Live, Laugh, Breath event, Leggings project, my husband, my family, doing things around the house, trips coming up- missing my daughter. I'm overwhelmed. I get so busy I forget to breath. I start to become light headed and then realize I'm holding my breath. The pain of Makenzie's absence is unbearable.
This weekend was hard. We had Dboy and Teagan, we went to the zoo for the first time since, we got stuff for the event and we meet up with this amazing family. The same family we cried with in the hospital months ago. The same family that we watched loose their beautiful little boy. Then on Sunday we joined them and other families like us and honored our incredible angels. It was a reception for PCMC. For children that passed in 2009. Being there was excruciating. It was at the same hospital I gave birth to my daughter.
I remembered that day. I remember having those contractions in that parking lot. I remember looking out those windows dieing to take my new little girl out in the world.
That time was the best time of my life. Look at where we are now. Without her. How do I do this? The reception was beautiful. They played amazing music and read a nice poem. The slide show was emotional. To see all those beautiful children who were taken from us way to early. Having my friend there- the one who is going through this with me- saved me. Our angels are so similar. They were born just a couple days apart, taken to the hospital within a few weeks of each other and both returned to heaven 14 days apart. We are linked. Our families. We are now a part of the worst club imaginable.
Sunday night was worse. There are moments through this process where I get to a point and I just cant go any further. I saw a sock, a little pink baby sock that had fallen behind our desk. It was clean so it must have fallen behind there while I was folding laundry one day. in the moment i saw that, i realize there are not many more times i will find surprises. i kept her things tidy and put away. she wasn't able to hid things from me yet so it will be a rare thing to come across them. after i saw the sock i went into her room. my knees gave way and i fell. i couldn't even pick up my arms. i couldn't do anything but cry. ryan heard my screams and came to get me. i couldn't look at him. i couldn't breath. i couldn't do anything. he was scared at first and started talking to me in his- i am nervous and don't know what to do so I'm going to get mad- tone. it didn't phase me. then he sat down next to me. stroked my face like i used to do with makenzie. i felt like a child. i felt like a baby. i needed someone to pick me up and hold me. i needed to be comforted because i couldn't be a grown up right now and deal with the death of my daughter. i needed to be small again, have someone take care of me, have no responsibility or thoughts past this moment.
for a moment.
that's what happened.
i cried like a baby.
my grown husband talked and held me like a baby.
i wasn't embarrassed.
i didn't care.
my face was a mess. my make up all over his clothes.
but that's life.
that is our life right now.
there is no hiding from it.
there is no pretending for a moment its not real.
she consumed everything in our world and she still does.
that wont change.
she will always be our missing link.
we will always leave a spot for her in the car.
we will always take her with us wherever we go.
in the last couple weeks i feel I'm going deeper in a hole.
its getting darker.
its getting harder.
I'm trying to fight against it but its fighting back. the void in my life is getting bigger and bigger.
i have been so angry. i have been so frustrated.
i am starting medication.
i am hoping it helps.
i have to do something.
i need to be here. present.
its been 5 months. its new. fresh. i will get stronger.