Wednesday, May 19, 2010

ramblings on a pink sock

i have this pit in my stomach.
i am shaking.
eyes are watery.
eyes are foggy.
i cant sit still.
my mind is racing.
i cant smile if i try.
i cant find the good today.
other trials in life don't matter.
i don't care
if my shoes match, if my hair is done, if i spell correct, if i made my bed, if i cooked, if i ate to much food, if my car ran out of gas, if i ran out of money. i don't care.
the only thing that matters isn't here.
why do people take this for granted?
why is it that you don't care for the greatest blessing you could receive?
i get physically sick when i hear about someone hurting their child.
its impossible for me to understand.

the past couple weeks have been hard- to say the least.
its been hard for months but in the last 3 weeks or so.
its almost like i cant fake it anymore.
I'm trying to be okay. but I'm not.
i haven't slept.
I'm trying so hard to dream of her- to live in a different world that as soon as a dream starts i wake myself up. i don't know how long i stay awake for but i know i wake myself up at least 4-5 times a night which is leaving me exhausted. i have so many things going on in my mind i cant keep them straight. between work, school, MRW Live, Laugh, Breath event, Leggings project, my husband, my family, doing things around the house, trips coming up- missing my daughter. I'm overwhelmed. I get so busy I forget to breath. I start to become light headed and then realize I'm holding my breath. The pain of Makenzie's absence is unbearable.
This weekend was hard. We had Dboy and Teagan, we went to the zoo for the first time since, we got stuff for the event and we meet up with this amazing family. The same family we cried with in the hospital months ago. The same family that we watched loose their beautiful little boy. Then on Sunday we joined them and other families like us and honored our incredible angels. It was a reception for PCMC. For children that passed in 2009. Being there was excruciating. It was at the same hospital I gave birth to my daughter.
I remembered that day. I remember having those contractions in that parking lot. I remember looking out those windows dieing to take my new little girl out in the world.
That time was the best time of my life. Look at where we are now. Without her. How do I do this? The reception was beautiful. They played amazing music and read a nice poem. The slide show was emotional. To see all those beautiful children who were taken from us way to early. Having my friend there- the one who is going through this with me- saved me. Our angels are so similar. They were born just a couple days apart, taken to the hospital within a few weeks of each other and both returned to heaven 14 days apart. We are linked. Our families. We are now a part of the worst club imaginable.
Sunday night was worse. There are moments through this process where I get to a point and I just cant go any further. I saw a sock, a little pink baby sock that had fallen behind our desk. It was clean so it must have fallen behind there while I was folding laundry one day. in the moment i saw that, i realize there are not many more times i will find surprises. i kept her things tidy and put away. she wasn't able to hid things from me yet so it will be a rare thing to come across them. after i saw the sock i went into her room. my knees gave way and i fell. i couldn't even pick up my arms. i couldn't do anything but cry. ryan heard my screams and came to get me. i couldn't look at him. i couldn't breath. i couldn't do anything. he was scared at first and started talking to me in his- i am nervous and don't know what to do so I'm going to get mad- tone. it didn't phase me. then he sat down next to me. stroked my face like i used to do with makenzie. i felt like a child. i felt like a baby. i needed someone to pick me up and hold me. i needed to be comforted because i couldn't be a grown up right now and deal with the death of my daughter. i needed to be small again, have someone take care of me, have no responsibility or thoughts past this moment.
for a moment.
that's what happened.
i cried like a baby.
my grown husband talked and held me like a baby.
i wasn't embarrassed.
i didn't care.
my face was a mess. my make up all over his clothes.
but that's life.
that is our life right now.
it hurts.
its raw.
there is no hiding from it.
there is no pretending for a moment its not real.
she consumed everything in our world and she still does.
that wont change.
she will always be our missing link.
we will always leave a spot for her in the car.
we will always take her with us wherever we go.

in the last couple weeks i feel I'm going deeper in a hole.
its getting darker.
its getting harder.
I'm trying to fight against it but its fighting back. the void in my life is getting bigger and bigger.
i have been so angry. i have been so frustrated.
today.
i am starting medication.
i am hoping it helps.
i have to do something.
i need to be here. present.
its been 5 months. its new. fresh. i will get stronger.

9 comments :

Heather said...

Kendra-you and your husband are in my prayers every night, but tonight I'll pray extra hard for you. I pray that you will feel some peace and some comfort. Big hugs your way.

Emma said...

Oh Kendra, I am so, so sorry you are feeling this way. I am so sorry you feel like you are slipping deeper, that the pain is getting worse. I hope meds will help,I know people who they have been so helpful for- you do whatever you need to in order to feel better....I am glad you let yourself go, maybe you need more times to truly let yourself do that-to not 'fake it', to not push the pain aside and get on with things. I know those times are important and needed sometimes too, but so is letting yourself fall, letting yourself 'feel' and letting someone else take care of you.
Ryan, thank you. Thank you for being an amazing, incredible husband and father. I can only imagine what it is like seeing the love of your life in pain, knowing there is nothing you can really do, all the while grieving yourself. Keep being there, keep holding her and letting her know you understand as only Kenzie's father could. You also need to let Kendra be there for you, when you need to let your feelings out too-it might help for her to take care of you sometimes as well.
I am thinking of you both, praying for you both and sending you tons of love and hugs.
Through tears and love, Em

Michael & Melissa Geist said...

Kendra I can only hope and pray that you find comfort some day. I can not imagine living with such pain on a daily basis. You are such a courageous fighter. So many others would have given up and lost the fight. My problems that seem larger then life are so minuscule compared to the issues you are having to face. You remind me to stop sweating the small things and live each and every day to it fullest. I have told you this many times before and I will continue to say it...your loss has changes so many of us mothers into better ones. I hope that the medication can help bring you out of such deep despair. I will continue to pray for you. There is a saying that if you find a penny on the ground, its penny from heaven. Your loved one is saying hi." Watch for pennies.

May god give you guidance and strength each hour of every day.

Alerie said...

Kendra I am so sorry. I am so sorry that it just seems to be getting worse. I can't even imagine. Do what you need to do to get better, even if other people don't agree with it. They have never been there so they have no idea and even if they have been in this situation, everyone grieves differently. I hope the medication helps, even just a little bit. Crumble and fall whenever you need to, you do not need to "fake it" for anyone. I am so thankful that you have such an amazing husband who is there for you no matter what. Keep leaning on each other like you are. You are always in my thoughts and prayers every day. I hope you start to feel some peace and comfort in your life. Sending lots of BIG hugs!! Much love!!

Marcia said...

just wanted you to know i read this and i'm thinking of you.

Christy said...

I didn't feel like crying tonight. But, this post has me weeping like you explained. I can't imagine your pain ... I can't imagine your last 5mo. I like so many others wish that I could ease or take some of your pain away. Your MRW is so beautiful. We don't know each other but I really feel like I've come to know you through your blog & tonight I'm sending you hugs ~Christy

April said...

(I visit your blog from time to time through Tara...)
I just wanted you to know that you are in my heart... I'm so sorry that this is such a tender time. Know that you are cared and prayed for! xo!

brigette said...

Oh Kendra im so sorry!! That program you went to is so emotional and brings back so many memories and pain.... we did it last year about this time for Kael. It was sweet yet so sad like you said all those sweet little kids gone to soon. Let yourself be sad!! Dont try to hide it, that only makes it worse and youll pay for it down the road. You and Ryan are amazing!! You are making such a difference with you projects and events. Kenzie would be so proud!! You are amazing!! Sending much love!

Gina said...

Wow. I think that's all I can say. Wow. The loss. I still cannot imagine. I cannot seem to stop crying from this blog. Just imagining all the moments you must have already had! *Tears*

I'll be praying for you. Praying that you will find peace...but NEVER forget your daughter. Never forget the time and memories you have of her.

I'll pray that every time you find something which reminds you of her, that one day you will be filled with Love, as she loved you!!! As God loves you! That the sorrow does not overwhelm you.

I remember reading a blog post from Natalie Norton regarding dreams.

http://www.natalienortonphoto.com/2010/01/dreams.html

Maybe this is why we find things such as socks. To remind us. Of those special moments with those we've lost.

She was blessed to have you as her mother. Again, you are amazing. Live for her. She will not be forgotten. Nor will you! *Hugs

I hope I have not written anything that hurts you. It definitely is not my intention. I hope that Natalie's words can comfort you.

I'll pray for you...SUPER HARD!!

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