Monday, May 24, 2010

lately

oh this life.
some days are okay
other days are hell.
what have we been up to?
spring semester ended for me- i didn't do great in school but passed.
I'm taking 1 class this summer.
i need extra time to prepare for Makenzie's Live, Laugh, Breathe event in July.
I'm working really hard on the event but never feel I'm on top of it yet.
ryan went to the cabin with his dad and BIL last weekend.
they had a great time, even if there was still 4ft of snow!
i went to idaho.
of course i forgot my camera!
it was nice to spend some time with my amazing sister and her family.
i miss them. ms S is getting so big i cant believe it.
dogs are doing good.
milo is sweet but not my buddy yet. harley is still my "baby puppy"
milo pee's and poops all over the house and chews up everything. (yeah i know, what else did i expect?) i had more patience with harley. i don't know why i cant have more patience with milo. he is growing like a weed- seriously. he is 13 weeks old and 22 lbs! he is going to be huge. i didn't realize i was buying a horse. maybe next winter we can hook a sled up to his back and he can pull us around on the snow :)
ryan and i are keeping busy. over the last month our days seem to be getting harder not easier. we talk about makenzie all the time. we think about her every second.
i worry about ryan. i wish i could hold him all the time and be his strength. I'm trying. he is so amazing. he is my strength. I'm the one who crumbles on him. we lay in bed and cry more often. we do it together though. then we make each other get up. we are a good team. i couldn't ask for a better partner. i feel more love for him everyday.
our cute roomie (jillie) still lives with us. I'm not sure if we will ever let her leave.
we have been asked about more kids quite a bit lately. right now- its not even in our thoughts.
***just an fyi- if you find out someone has lost a child, i know its uncomfortable and you don't know what to say but please oh please- more than anything don't say
"well you can just have another one"
seriously- like its a pair of shoes, i can just go buy a new pair! no... not only is it offensive and ridiculous but you might also put your foot in your mouth like people have with us because no- we cant just have another child... our daughter passed away from a genetic disease- that means most likely- our next child will have it.***
ok anyway- children right now, or anytime in the near future is a no.
for things coming up in the next couple months:
- St. George this weekend
- Yellowstone next weekend, cant wait to stay here.
- Camping in June
- my brother Ben is moving to Washington with his family! They will also be able to make it to the event in July!
- of course Makenzie's event-- 52 more days!
- San Diego vaca... we leave with D+A+E+B+Dboy+Ry+Me on July 20th
- Ry bday in July
- summer semester ending
- fall semester beginning and... ill have a college buddy- that's right- Ryan is enrolling in school!
there are other events here and there that will keep us busy.
we are trying to live. although its so hard and sometimes we just don't know how we will do it- we do. because of our friends, our family and this blog. we are moving. slowly. painfully. but moving. i pray for Makenzie's freedom everyday- i pray for her happiness- i pray for her.
someday we will hold her again.



*ry came to our sonic picnic this time*

5 comments:

Emma said...

I think it is great you and Ryan and crying together, holding one another and helping one another get up after. I don't think it means you are moving backward, 'getting worse', etc, I think it is just a part of the process. In so many ways that first while is numbing, no, not that you dont feel pain, but there is a sense of shock in place that covers some of it-and that has worn off, you are living your daily life without your little girl and now feeling every second of it-in that way it isn't surprising you are finding more days hard, more tears, more frustration, more anger etc-keep going with it, just keep getting up too! :-) You may not feel like Ryan's strength but him seeing you getting up each day, putting effort into school, into fundraising is all inspiring (to him and all of us!).
Don't be too hard on yourself, give yourself time, you are still learning how to live a life without your baby in your arms, each day, each month is still a 'milestone' and you are learning how to deal with those-you are doing it, see the strength you are showing and don't look at the tough days as weakness.
Thinking of you always, sending you love and strength and asking Kenzie to keep holding you tight, Em

Sarah said...

Kendra, love the comments about Milo you get me thinking about when we got Duke he is also a Black Lab, but he is almost 5 now they do slow down but are so much fun and pulling a sled espically on snowy days is great. LOL

Linds said...

your marriage is something from the story books. i am so grateful that you are able to rely on each other. :)

p.s. i can't wait to see you this weekend. i think it will be good times.

Alerie said...

Kendra I am always thinking and praying for you. I am so sorry that you have to go through this and then have to hear people actually say "oh you can just have another one". You are right, the human life is not like just a pair of shoes. Nor do they know your situation. I am so sorry you are having harder days. I wish this was not the case and I wish that there was something I could do. Feel everything you need to and get it out in whatever way you need to. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Not to mention all the wonderful things you are doing during your time of grief. Not many people could have the strength to do such amazing things right away after a loss like yours. You are inspiring!! I am so thankful that you and Ryan have each other. You have a beautiful relationship. Much love!!

p.s. - i love that you bring her a cherry limeade. it brings tears to my eyes every time. you are amazing!!

Kayli Cragun said...

I just wanted to tell you that I can relate on a very small scale with you on the "are you going to have any more kids? Just have another one". My husband and I have a 25% chance with each child we have that they will have it. I have a little guy who is 2 and a half and he as it as well so I am two-for-two! I also have a very dear friend of mine who had a baby that passed away at 1 month old from trisomy(?spelling) 13 and she too said that is the absolute worst thing that was ever said to her was "just have another one, that will fix everything" people who say that don't have a freaking clue about what is going on!!! By the way we are going to St. George this weekend as well :) Hope you are having a good day I check in on you all the time to see how things are going.
xoxo
Kayli

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