okay I know this is like the 14678 post I have done about how I cry and how I miss Ryan all the time and how I am having a hard time. but here is another. because this helps me get things out.
I cry because I am happy. I cry because I am sad. I cry because I am scared. I cry because my house is a mess. I cry because I feel like I never get to see Ryan. I cry because Ryan is working so hard. I cry because its hot. I cry because I feel huge. I cry because my belly hurts. I cry because money is never there. I cry because I miss my baby. I cry because I miss being a mom. I cry because I worry about this baby. I cry because I need this baby. I cry because my DVR broke. I cry because the dog stinks. I cry because I need to get my car washed but don't have time. I cry because I don't have time to do a lot of things. I cry because I miss not having responsibilities. I cry because of lies. I cry because of movies. I cry because of songs. I cry because I cry to much.
Sometimes its nice to have a big huge cry. Sometimes when you have that huge cry it calms you for a while and you feel better. That was me last night. Crying for a long while. While Ryan held me. Crying about missing Makenzie. Crying about how unfair it is that we don't have her anymore. That the thoughts, feelings and memories of her are fading away. I cried about how I hate being so clingy to him. That I hate how I literally think I'm going to stop breathing whenever he leaves my side fearing that will be the last time I ever see him. I cried and cried and snotted all over him. Then I felt better. for the rest of the night.
Now its another day and I am back to wanting to cry.
I think I am ready for the emotions of pregnancy to be over with.
I am ready to be somewhat normal. and that is my kind of normal. which is even crazy for the average. but at least my kind of normal I am used to and I can for the most part handle.
After Makenzie passed away whenever someone would hear they would say something along the lines of...
I don't know how you even get up in the morning... or... I would just kill myself...
Honestly at that time- it was so so hard and like I have mentioned the first couple weeks after she died my sister came over every single morning to get me out of bed. but after that initial period I had to go back to work. I had other daily things I needed to accomplish. I had a husband to take care of and I didn't feel like laying in bed or killing myself was really an option.
I wish I was filthy rich and could go insane and never get out of bed but for us poor folk its not really a possibility.
The past few weeks I have started feeling that same not wanting to get out of bed feeling. I get so frustrated because I think-- if you survived the death of your child why cant you handle the birth of your next?
Its so hard for me to understand so I don't expect anyone else to.
I am scared. Of everything. I am scared of loving him. I am scared of not loving him. I am scared about the whole sperm donor thing. I am scared about his health. I am scared about my patience. I am scared about his life. I am scared about Ryan. I am scared about raising this child if something happened to Ryan.
Over and over in my head I get these images that I am giving birth to this baby alone because Ryan died or something. I try to shove them out of my head and they don't leave. They are like tattooed in there just eating my away. I get all hot and panic-y, sweaty and nauseous and then usually end up just feeling ill the rest of the day. That's everyday.
What is so hard to understand is that I have always prepared for the worse case scenario in life (other than losing Kenzie) Its like I have a plan that if this... happened I would do this... just so I wasn't caught off guard. and the death or separation from Ryan has come up in our almost 6 years of marriage before and although I would be absolutely devastated I was able to somewhat come up with a plan of what I would do... Now please know that this plan would be thrown out the window if something ever really happened because I have no clue what I would really feel or what I would really do. This dumb "plan" is more just to calm my anxiety. I just don't want anyone who has unfortunately been through this, feel like I could sit here and say I would have the slightest idea what I would actually feel or do because I just cant imagine. I cant imagine what you are continuing to go through.
.... so I have had this "plan" mapped out before but since I got pregnant and especially in the past couple weeks/months I honestly cant even fathom something happening to him. I cant even try to make up a plan or prepare myself for what I might feel. Why is it so different? Why is it so much worse now?
and for pregnancy. This is what I wanted. This is what I planned and dreamed and prayed and begged God for. Why is it so scary. Why does it seem so impossible. Why cant I just enjoy this. Its going to be over so soon. I am definitely not ready for him to be here. I am excited but my fear is taking over the excitement.
I watch Kenzies videos and look at her pictures and everything about her was so not scary. It just fit. It worked. We made it work. We did our best and we loved that girl more than anything in this world.
Why cant I just have faith that will happen again?
I don't want this little boy to come into this world to greet such an emotional mess of a Mom.
I am trying everything possible to get myself in check.
My biggest help is crying. After I cry I feel normal for a little while. I feel like I can do this and things will be good. but then I hate crying all the time.
So ill go have a good snotty cry and hope to figure this all out someday.