50 Days!

50 days until this little boys due date!
People that is crazy.
I have been a bit emotional the past week. Not because there has been anything really wrong but just because. I cried one morning because I just didn't want to blow dry my hair. I cried because I just missed Ryan when I had just seen him a few hours before. I cried because I missed my brother. I cried yesterday morning because Ryan used the last of the milk.
I blame these on the pregnancy. Emotions running wild.
I am mainly just excited. A very happy, full of joy, anxious kind of excited.
We had another doctor appointment yesterday and everything is going great. I am so blessed to have such a smooth pregnancy. I know how lucky I am and that we really have so much to thank God for right now. This little boy is only measuring a week ahead now. ARGH. I was kind of hoping he might come early if he was measuring so early. but now he is only a week so I am thinking he will have other plans. I don't know. He is still head down and getting ready for the next few weeks left in his nice little home.
He moves all the time and I cant tell you how much I love it.
This morning I was looking at Harley who was wagging her tail and I asked Ryan if he thought TK might have a tail because there are times when I feel movement and it feels like it could be a tail wagging. Its the weirdest thing. Ryan laughed. I laughed. and then I started imagining what we would do if he had a tail.
After my appointment yesterday I went to visit my Kenzie. I found this HUGE pinwheel and couldn't wait to take it up there. I cleaned up her stone and sat there for a while. I almost died of heat but whatev.
(it was 103 degrees yesterday- this summer is killing me)
It was very surreal and very hard to go from a happy doctors appointment for son and visit his big sister at a cemetery. It just doesn't seem fair and still doesn't always seem real. There have been times in this pregnancy that I have to remind myself that this is a new pregnancy and that the last 3 years did happen. Its so hard to explain but I honestly have felt myself pushing out the last 3 years and just continuing the pregnancy I had with Makenzie and thinking this will be the start of our life. It probably doesn't make sense to anyone else and I sound crazy. I feel crazy at times. I think its weird how hard it still is to understand there was a life that is now gone and that this is a new life.
I want to be a Mum again. Oh how I have missed that role. I cant wait to hold my son. I cant wait to see his face and kiss his lips and feel his breath and completely fall head over heels in love with every inch of him. I need him. I need him in my life. I am scared of what will or will not happen with his little life. I am scared he will be sick. I am scared something else will happen to him. I am just scared.
but the scared I have felt this pregnancy is not near as strong as it once was. I think I am in a place now that I accept that I don't have control over what is to come. I cant change what is in Gods plan. So what I need to do now is savor every second from here on out. I love when he moves around my belly. I get nervous when I haven't felt him for a bit and I do everything possible to make him move. When he does I just sit back and soak up those movements.
I am so thankful for his life.
I am so thankful for Makenzies life.
I know I wouldn't be able to love TK the way I do if it wasn't for Makenzie and everything she taught me. I know TK will have a better life than I could have ever given Kenzie because of what we went through with her. I wish I would have been able to learn all these hard lessons without losing her. I wish that everyday.
Its a strange balance. I am trying.
I am excited.
I am nervous.
I am so thankful to get the chance to be a Mom again. I cant wait for Ryan and I to be parents again.