8 days from today back in 2009 I gave birth to my first born.
I became a Mom.
I had a daughter.
My life changed.
I have been planning her birthday. I have been thinking of her birthday. I have been dreaming of what life would be like with an almost 3 year old. and somehow the reality of it really being this time of year just hit me. Maybe that's where all my insecurities have come from lately? Realizing that this time 3 years ago I never dreamed it was possible to lose something so precious. I am pregnant and the crazy emotional roller coaster that puts you on is one thing but to add the rest of emotions that come along with this time of year is probably whats sending me over the edge. Other than Makenzie Ryan is the most important person in my life. He has been the very best thing to ever happen to me and I just cant imagine life without him. Knowing I really have no control over what could or could not happen to him drives me crazy. Have I ever mentioned I'm a control freak? yeah its kind of a sickness. and I really try hard to keep it in check but most of the time I cant. So there is my control freak coming out with Ryan. Fearing what I would do without him. Who would I talk to. Who would hold me. Who would understand what I'm feeling? He has been that for me for going on 6 years now and has carried me through some of the darkest times of our lives. So if he goes. What will I do? How will I be able to survive? How will I get out of bed everyday? How will I deliver this child without him. How will I raise a baby without him. and heaven forbid anything happen to baby T. Who will keep me from going crazy like the last time?
I have a great support system with our families and I am so grateful for them but they are not my husband. He is my very best friend and if he wasn't here I would be lost.
but unfortunately like many- I don't have control over what is to come in our lives. I cant stop something from happening that is meant to happen. and that control issue will just drive me to a very bad place if I keep it up. No one is exempt from death. No one is exempt from tragedy. No one is exempt from the worst case scenario. No one is exempt from losing your whole life. Many times when we hear of something tragic happening to someone we always think that will never happen to us. It only happens to other people. but really it can happen to any of us. There is not telling when something life altering will happen and to whom.
I have seen the worst case. I have been there. but that doesn't mean I'm exempt from it ever happening again. With another child or with someone else I love.
It really sucks to say that. I wish there could be some kind of guarantee. I wish that especially since I already lost Makenzie I could be promised nothing like that will ever happen again. but that's not how life works. That's not how God works and that's not how my plan is laid out. I pray nothing like that ever happens but who knows if it will.
The only thing I can do today is make sure I tell Ryan as many times as possible how much I love him. Make sure he knows how truly thankful I am to have him as my husband. and stop at every busy rushed moment and just enjoy him.
The best thing I ever did in Makenzies life was to savor every single day with her. To soak up every minute that she was here. At the time I did that because I knew I only had 12 weeks of maternity leave and I just couldn't imagine what my days would be when I only got to see her in the mornings and at night. So I didn't rush it. I didn't wish she was sleeping better. I didn't pray she would let me lay her down while I did chores. I soaked up every breath she took. I took advantage of every waking moment she gave me.
When T is born I know I will do the same. but instead of it being because I'm on maternity leave- it will be because I don't have control over what will happen tomorrow and I don't want to rush it. I don't want to rush whatever else is in store for us. I don't want to rush him growing up. I don't want to rush missing out on every moment he gives me.
I pray everyday- several times a day- God lets me keep him. That he lets me have a long life with him. That Ryan and I get to be parents for the rest of our lives. I am working on my faith and trusting in that. but its hard. and I have bad moments that sometimes last a couple weeks or months. but then I slowly come out of them knowing I am not in control. and just remembering to thank God for what is here and now.
I was so anxious to be done with pregnancy this time 3 years ago. I wish I would have savored those days. Those few days before she came. When she was safe. When I could take her everywhere and I could feel her all day and I could take complete care of her.
I am so excited for T to get here but I can wait. Right now I am just enjoying the moments when I feel his cute butt shove into me. When he jabs and kicks and punches so hard I think he will do some serious damage in there. When I sit back and just watch my belly mold into all different shapes. He is growing. I am protecting him. He is safe. and I don't have to let him go right now.
I am thankful for these moments. I am honored that he has chosen me to be his mom.
Only 66 days until he makes his arrival. Only 66 more days I can keep him this close. Only 66 more nights he wakes me up at all hours with his incredible acrobatic skills.
This time is so important and I don't want to rush it.