I have now written 4 blog posts because I simply am not making any sense when writing.
I have been having a rough week. The regular pregnancy stuff is kind of annoying but I am not complaining. I feel like the all day sickness isn't as bad this week. I haven't thrown up the past 4 days now so in that sense I'm doing better and my breath smells fresher. I am still having troubles in the breathing area but thanks to you all and your awesome advice I think its something that just comes with pregnancy that I'm not used to and ill learn to live with it. My OB isn't to worried because its not getting worse. Its just not getting better. So he thinks its just all the hormone changes and told me to just relax whenever possible and limit to much activity where my heart rate increases as it makes it harder for me to catch my breath. We are hoping it eases with time but if not... As long as this baby is healthy I don't care.
The hardest part about this past week and well the past couple weeks is how much I am missing Makenzie.
I have said it a hundred times on this blog and about a million more times to myself but I have somewhere along the line convinced my heart that this baby was going to fix alot of the hurt I have. I think its more just my way of dealing and trying to make it seem like... when this happens then you will be happy... when all actuality that is not true. I know this child will bring mass amounts of joy into my life. I can only imagine how much more my heart will grow. How I feel about them already is unreal. but they are not fixing it. They are not my Makenzie. They will add to my life but they are not going to be filling in the holes. As much as I keep telling myself that, its like my heart doesn't want to believe it. Maybe its because its so broken that its grabbing onto anything for hope. I am getting frustrated and discouraged because I wanted this to be such an amazing time. I wanted to just be in another world knowing the thing I have been praying so hard for over the last year is now finally going to happen. and just have that incredible pure happiness that I experienced the day I saw that positive test. I think I expected that to last everyday, all day, for the rest of my life. Silly to think such a thing. No matter what- in life- its never going to be like that. No matter the bad you have been through, there will still be more bad. More hard times. More hurt moments. Its part of growing. Its part of continuing to learn. I can find good in everyday but I can also find bad. Life isn't going to suddenly turn around and be a fairy tale. I guess I just am having a hard time realizing that. Even this morning I just laying in bed crying. Looking at Makenzies picture thinking, oh life would be so perfect if she was here. I would go get her out of bed and lay with her. I would look into her eyes and we would just soak each other in all day. The sun would shine through the window and we would lay in silence with just the cute little sounds she would make. I would kiss her a million times and we would just enjoy our perfect life.
Isn't that how every one's days are?
If you have a child, isnt it just perfect all the time?
Okay you can laugh.
Even on the very best days with Makenzie there was spit ups, diaper changes, clothing changes, laundry to be done, rainy days where there was no sun, there was strange rashes, there was me feeling ill, or kenzie getting a cold. Even when life seemed perfect, it wasn't. It was life.
I kept thinking when I got pregnant I was going to just soak up every second. I was going to accept my changing body, I was going to indulge in all the things this baby craved, I was going to do some light work outs to keep both baby and I healthy, I was going to buy cute maternity clothes and then when we found out the sex I would dive into stocking this little babes closet. Life was going to finally be how it should be...
again... you can laugh...
Already I am not loving the body changes. I started to sprout out early with Kenzie to and I just feel gross. I feel sick most of the time, I cant breath, I hate maternity clothes, I hate that my clothes are already starting to fit different, I hate how much all that baby stuff costs... and I cant feel the babe moving yet so I cant enjoy those little moments, but even then- if this child is anything like Makenize.. They will find themselves nuzzled right up in my ribs and try their best to break every single one of them every second of the day. and let me say that is not something that is part of how "life should be".
So here I go. Sad because I am not living in the movies with the perfect life and the perfect pregnancy and the perfect attitude and the perfect family. I am remembering once again that I am just Kendra. I am the mom to a beautiful little angel who I miss terribly and who I will have to wait a lifetime to see. I am the soon to be mom of a real miracle. A sweet little baby that will join our family but will give me plenty of adventures and no so perfect days. and I am the wife to a husband who literally is far to good for me but still has his own little quirks and wants to fix everything instead of just listening- and that really is what my life is about. and that's okay. I am always learning to live with it and stop fighting it. whats done is done and what is to come is in Gods hands.