Tuesday, February 7, 2012

no fairytales

No lie...
I have now written 4 blog posts because I simply am not making any sense when writing.
I have been having a rough week. The regular pregnancy stuff is kind of annoying but I am not complaining. I feel like the all day sickness isn't as bad this week. I haven't thrown up the past 4 days now so in that sense I'm doing better and my breath smells fresher. I am still having troubles in the breathing area but thanks to you all and your awesome advice I think its something that just comes with pregnancy that I'm not used to and ill learn to live with it. My OB isn't to worried because its not getting worse. Its just not getting better. So he thinks its just all the hormone changes and told me to just relax whenever possible and limit to much activity where my heart rate increases as it makes it harder for me to catch my breath. We are hoping it eases with time but if not... As long as this baby is healthy I don't care.
The hardest part about this past week and well the past couple weeks is how much I am missing Makenzie.
I have said it a hundred times on this blog and about a million more times to myself but I have somewhere along the line convinced my heart that this baby was going to fix alot of the hurt I have. I think its more just my way of dealing and trying to make it seem like... when this happens then you will be happy... when all actuality that is not true. I know this child will bring mass amounts of joy into my life. I can only imagine how much more my heart will grow. How I feel about them already is unreal. but they are not fixing it. They are not my Makenzie. They will add to my life but they are not going to be filling in the holes. As much as I keep telling myself that, its like my heart doesn't want to believe it. Maybe its because its so broken that its grabbing onto anything for hope. I am getting frustrated and discouraged because I wanted this to be such an amazing time. I wanted to just be in another world knowing the thing I have been praying so hard for over the last year is now finally going to happen. and just have that incredible pure happiness that I experienced the day I saw that positive test. I think I expected that to last everyday, all day, for the rest of my life. Silly to think such a thing. No matter what- in life- its never going to be like that. No matter the bad you have been through, there will still be more bad. More hard times. More hurt moments. Its part of growing. Its part of continuing to learn. I can find good in everyday but I can also find bad. Life isn't going to suddenly turn around and be a fairy tale. I guess I just am having a hard time realizing that. Even this morning I just laying in bed crying. Looking at Makenzies picture thinking, oh life would be so perfect if she was here. I would go get her out of bed and lay with her. I would look into her eyes and we would just soak each other in all day. The sun would shine through the window and we would lay in silence with just the cute little sounds she would make. I would kiss her a million times and we would just enjoy our perfect life.
Isn't that how every one's days are?
If you have a child, isnt it just perfect all the time?
Okay you can laugh.
Even on the very best days with Makenzie there was spit ups, diaper changes, clothing changes, laundry to be done, rainy days where there was no sun, there was strange rashes, there was me feeling ill, or kenzie getting a cold. Even when life seemed perfect, it wasn't. It was life.
I kept thinking when I got pregnant I was going to just soak up every second. I was going to accept my changing body, I was going to indulge in all the things this baby craved, I was going to do some light work outs to keep both baby and I healthy, I was going to buy cute maternity clothes and then when we found out the sex I would dive into stocking this little babes closet.  Life was going to finally be how it should be...
again... you can laugh...
Already I am not loving the body changes. I started to sprout out early with Kenzie to and I just feel gross. I feel sick most of the time, I cant breath, I hate maternity clothes, I hate that my clothes are already starting to fit different, I hate how much all that baby stuff costs... and I cant feel the babe moving yet so I cant enjoy those little moments, but even then- if this child is anything like Makenize.. They will find themselves nuzzled right up in my ribs and try their best to break every single one of them every second of the day. and let me say that is not something that is part of how "life should be".
So here I go. Sad because I am not living in the movies with the perfect life and the perfect pregnancy and the perfect attitude and the perfect family. I am remembering once again that I am just Kendra. I am the mom to a beautiful little angel who I miss terribly and who I will have to wait a lifetime to see. I am the soon to be mom of a real miracle. A sweet little baby that will join our family but will give me plenty of adventures and no so perfect days. and I am the wife to a husband who literally is far to good for me but still has his own little quirks and wants to fix everything instead of just listening- and that really is what my life is about. and that's okay. I am always learning to live with it and stop fighting it. whats done is done and what is to come is in Gods hands.

16 comments:

Jenni said...

I love this post. No one will ever be able to take the place of Kenzie, that is so true. But this new life will bring you joy that you have waited a long time to feel again...just in a different way. You are on my mind a lot and I just think you are so amazing and strong for all you have been through and continue to endure.

Candace said...

Even though my trials are nothing compared to yours, I feel the same way. I am always waiting for the next thing hoping that it will make me the happiest, that it will make my life suddenly turn into a fairy tale! Hang in there Kendra you're amazing.

Ps: I am moving to Ogden, and I would LOVE to come say hi and get a cookbook from you somtime. Email me! Thanks

Ashley Sullenger said...

Having another little baby won't make you miss Makenzie any less, it will just help you not miss being a mom. Does that make sense? I found out I was really grieving over two different things. Hang in there, the nine months will be rough, but when that little peanut is put into your arms, you hear it cry, man, it's life changing all over again. And there's no doubt in my mind, Makenzie will be there in the hospital room, loving every second watching you and Ryan rejoice over becoming parents again. She'll love seeing both of your smiles again.

Robin said...

You're going to make it...I can just tell. :) Praying for you always!

Jeanna said...

I’m in my first trimester too.. It’s not just you.. it’s not easy. As excited as I am too have a new little one, being sick all day every day is depressing. So too is feeling fat and feeling not yourself. The long haul of 40 weeks looms ahead and feels so far away... will I ever not feel nauseated again ? I feel this way and I’m not grieving, so I know I don’t know how you feel. However, I say whine, complain, stay in pj’s all day whatever, just get through it, YOU CAN DO IT !

N said...

I also really enjoyed this post. I often think of this myself. My son is well now, but when he was 9 months old he had a temporary colostomy and a bowel surgery 3 months later. Part of me feels very cheated out of those "perfect" moments between 9-12 months. Even now that he is healthy and whole there are no "perfect" days, but I can tell you there are loads of perfect moments! Enjoy those! :)

Kennedy Klan said...

Oh Kendra, this post does in fact make a lot of sense girl :) your a pregnant mom! Its OK to miss your sweet Makenzie, its OK to wish she was here, and its OK to not like maternity clothes!! :D Honestly I don't really know if any of us feel very pretty when we are pregnant, its hard to when your in stretchy pants and big shirts lol.. You are just being normal girl! Don't get down on yourself for your feelings, really they are all normal. Makenzie herself is not looking for a replacement, this new baby is just adding to your already family. I know that when this new baby gets here you will find comfort and enjoyment about telling this little one about their big sister. It will most likely be one of their favorite stories for you to tell them. I think that is when you will heal some of your missing Makenzie pain. For the fact that you will be able to teach them about what an amazing strong girl she will always be. And they will love hearing about their angel hero.
A new baby will be an exciting adventure, I am so happy that you are expecting :D

Chrissi said...

just catching up on your story & am so touched. look forward to reading more & getting to know you. congratulations on the pregnancy and so excited to see this baby :)

XO, chrissi

kmk said...

Hi Kendra!! Just checking to see if you got my email!! not sure if it was your personal one or the other one you have sent me stuff from but I can;t wait for you to read it and see what you think! Your posts are BEAUTIFUL

Krista said...

I think your feelings are normal. This baby will won't replace your heavenly angel but will be your angel here on earth. Another blog I follow is: babyhoustonstory.blogspot.com. She went thru all your same emotions after having lost her daughter then becoming pregnant again. I wish you the best! Krista

Ryan,Erika,Kaylee and Khloe Pettersson said...

Pregnancy messes with your hormones and emotions as is, and when you are grieving on top of it, it must be especially crazy.
There is a hole in your heart that nobody will ever fill. Kenzie took that part of you with her and that's ok.
This little baby will bring so much joy to you and Ryan and I already can't wait for that little one to be here so you can feel that tiny body snuggling up to you.
Your feelings are normal. Just hang in there :)

And I have some leggings to donate but no address to send them to. I emailed you a couple of times but didn't hear back from you yet.
They are all ready to be shipped so please send me your address!
Thank you!!

Rafahi Family said...

Kendra, I hope that once you can feel this new baby move you will have some peace. I hope you will be able to have the joy throughout this pregnancy that you so want. Yes, Makenzie can never be replaced, but you will always have her in yor heart and you can pass on her memory to her little brother or sister.

Jujubee said...

What a beautiful And truthful post about all the ups and downs of a pregnancy. The expectations... Anticipations.... Uncertainties... Raw emotions. Ride the waves girlfriend.... The highs and the lows and pass no judgement on yourself because you are human and you are real. This is real. Your loss is real and undeniable. And the beauty of what's to come soon with lil nugget is certifiably a miracle in and of itself. I think you are the real deal- a real woman who has had to live life on life's terms. Keep up the good work you process so well by writing and that is incredible.

Ok Kendra... Here's a body love pep talk. Love that body. It's facilitating the miracle of all miracles. Your body is working hard to accommodate new little punkin. I KNOW you are looking beautiful and many a women will look at you and oooooh and ahhhh over the baby love beuteous-ness. Give yourself a pat on the back and realize that the truth is- this is beautiful and your body is beautiful. Body love girlfriend!!!! Your husband is probably droolIng over you:)

The Cade Family said...

Oh, babe....
There are times when you'll want to sleep, and all they want to do is cry. There are times when you'll want to potty train, and nothing will motivate them. There will be times when you're doing laundry at 3am because they threw-up yet again. And, there will be times when you're having a bad day...a really bad day...and they will come up to you and let you know you're beautiful in the way only they can. There will be homemade valentines and Santa Claus, cookies with sprinkles all over the kitchen...cuddles, giggles, and movie night. There will be sadness, and there will be joy. There will be pain and there will be love. There will be a few pounds that are stubborn, but they'll finally come off. You're a mama again.

Seeing Each Day said...

I think what you've written is so insightful, I had several miscarriages as well as difficulty conceiving and each time I used to think if only I could get pregnant things will be ok and then when I did get pregnant I was consumed with worry. I'm really sorry you're having to deal with the struggle to breathe on top of everything else. I really hope your body gives you a little break soon and allows you to relax. In regards to your mind, well I'm certainly not going to say relax there because you are going through so much( as if you needed me to tell you that)- the constant missing of your little one , the excitement but still stress of your pregnancy, you must be so mentally exhausted. I just hope that somehow your mind will allow you a bit of piece, at least for a short moment so you can just be still.

Jen from MN said...

Hi. I have a son with SMA that I will outlive. He's sick right now :(
Kendra, you are putting way too much pressure on yourself. However you're feeling is Ok for you to feel. There is nothing wrong with it, nothing wrong with you. Sending you prayers for peace and acceptance..
Jen from Woodbury

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