Tuesday, February 14, 2012

8 Weeks

How far along? 8 Weeks
Total weight gain: None.
Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: I wish I could sleep all day and night. I am exhausted.
Best moment this week: Making it a total of 4 days without puking. That is all a distant memory now.
Miss Anything? Not puking. Being able to keep food down.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Pretty much changes from second to second. No cravings just what doesn't make me instantly run to the bathroom with my hand over my mouth.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Everything. Even things that are not food. The thought of glass cups the other day almost made me lose it. I can only drink out of hard plastic cups.
Gender: For some reason Ryan is all the sudden thinking GIRL. Where did that come from?! I think its because he really really wants a boy so he is preparing himself for a GIRL. I am 100% certain its a boy. I just have a strong feeling. I will probably throw up in excitement if it turns out to be a GIRL.
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: My belly has started to protrude. Its scaring me considering I'm only 8ish weeks. Literally there is a belly. and my boobs hurt worse than they ever did when I had a child latched on day and night. Seriously I am in pain people. Oh and did I mention I'm sick and puke a lot.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: The uncontrollable MOOD SWINGS have kicked on to an all time high. Happy- Sad- Angry- Uncomfortable- Lonely- Overwhelmed- Annoyed... poor poor Ryan. He is looking for somewhere to crash for the next 7 months. Its not looking good.
 Looking forward to: Getting past the first trimester in hopes the sickness will ease.

Like I said... I am an emotional mess. So over the moon happy this baby is coming and is ours forever to absolute hysterics because all I really want is Makenzie. I am then hysterical apologizing to this baby for not showing them the love the deserve and that I really do want them and that I just miss their sister. This past week the emotions of this child being from a sperm donor has been extremely emotional. I think I have mentioned this before but Ryan has always been so confident and positive about this. Knowing this child is HIS. No ifs ands or buts. He has been so good about it and honestly going through all the IUI's and getting pregnant so was I. I have felt so good about it all. Knowing this was the right choice. Over the past week its not that I regret our choices because I absolutely don't. This child was so meant to come to us this way and this was the only way we could get them to us healthy. but the feelings of how will we tell them and when will we tell them? The thoughts of how will we do this again? The fear that maybe at some point Ryan will have some concerns or worries. Its been weird talking about what this baby might look like. I keep catching myself from saying things like-- Oh I pray he has your nose or butt or hair color... Whatever it might be. I fully believe this child will be a mini replica of Ryan (if its a boy). I can only imagine Ryan's little partner. There is no doubt about that. But the fear in the back of my mind is oozing out with my added pregnancy hormones. It gets exhausting and overwhelming. I would love to hear from anyone of you that might have used a sperm or even an egg donor. Did you ever have similar fears or concerns. How have you decided and when to tell your child? I don't want it to be a big deal because its not. Its very simple. Its very matter of fact. There is no other Daddy somewhere- Ryan will be the name on that birth certificate. I just don't want it to be something that later down the road when it does come out that they feel I was hiding something from them. I have been very open about it with friends and family and its now all over the internet. Never have I thought it would be a secret. I know I have a lot of time to think about this but its on my mind now. So if y'all have advice. I would so much appreciate it!

11 comments :

Reese said...

I do not have experience with this personally, but when I was younger my friend got pregnant off a one-night stand in Vegas. She never knew the guys last name or where he was from, so there was no chance of finding him. Her son is six now and asking questions. So far, she has done pretty well by pointing out that families are made in all different ways and it doesn't matter how they come together, it matters how much they love each other. I know she fears the day she will have to provide more detail, but I think she's made a good start. Your situation is different, of course, and you have so much to be proud of Kendra. I haven't had to choose to use a sperm donor, but I would do it to get my family if I needed to. You are doing what you have to do to make sure this baby arrives healthy. I pray for you, Ryan, and that baby every day.

Alesha said...

I haven't done the sperm donor thing(although sometimes I would really like that to be an option for us)but I think it would be hard not to feel that way about any choice you make.

I always wonder if we will feel like we made the wrong choice if we decide not to have anymore/decide to do invitro/ take the 1 in 4/adopt/etc.

I think it would be hard not to wonder if you made the right choice. It is a HUGE decision that you never in a million years thought you'd face and therefor never thought about before.

I am sure if you felt like that was the right decision for you during the time it was and it is. Hold on to that. :)

Rafahi Family said...

Kendra, while I do not have experience with your specific question I can tell you that my oldest daughter is from my first husband. (He has not really ever been in my daughter's life since she was about 6-7 months old.) My husband now has been raising her since she was 4, when we met. She calls him dad, but she knows that biologically he is not her father. But he is her DAD--since he has raised her. My other kids do not know that she has a different biological father and we have decided that unless they NEED to know we are not going to tell them. If my daughter chooses to tell them then that is her choice. As for your child, I think that whatever you and Ryan choose to do is right for you. I am sure that for health reasons the child will need to know at some point, as far as if there is anything that they are at risk for--such as cancers, heart problems, etc. I know it will work out for you! :-)

Tare said...

I have to say doing IUI just with me and Topher, it's full of emotions anyway. I say as long as you and Ryan were both comfortable with the decision to begin with then keep to that. :) I honestly think it would be a weird situation if you did a sperm donor and you or Ryan weren't comfortable with it, but did it anyway. I think it's something you both felt right about and it's something that all just came together so quickly that it's like, how could it not be the right decision? I am sure your baby will love you both for bringing them into the world with such love and that's all that matters. Sorry I don't have any advice with sperm donors though.

The Lawrences said...

My firstborn daughter is from a "sperm donor" --ok not exactly but he is far from in the picture-- my hubby and I married when she was almost 2 years old and she acts like him, and everyone even swears she looks just like him. He is her daddy and always will be. He is trying to adopt her and we won't keep it a secret. We feel that if you are open and secure with the knowledge of who is the child's father {biological or not} then the child will be also. My husband is adopted so it really helps in our situation, his family is his family. I swear his mother remembers birthing him. lol.

Good luck with everything. Morning sickness is not fun!!

Emma said...

Kendra,
I think you are feelings and emotions are totally and completely understandable-does that make the doubts "right"? No,of course not, but with any big decision we always have the what-ifs etc, that is part of making a big decision. I have no doubt you and Ryan made this decision well informed and well thought out and with him so happy and comfortable with it, I have no doubts it is right. You are making your family in the most healthy way possible and you know without a doubt that parents arent about an egg and sperm, they are about love, caring, patience, compassion, understanding and being there uncondtionally-and you and Ryan are those parents and this little one is so lucky to be coming into your arms, your home and your family!!

As for telling them, I think you are right in it not being a big secret, not making a big deal out of it, you just let them know that they were so badly wanted that you chose to have God give them to you in whatever way He allowed them to come to this world happy and healthy-and that you promised to love them and care for them while they were here. They will never doubt your love for them and that will overshadow any other questions. Will there be some? Maybe, but again, questions are normal in big decisions, but the love and family they have in you and Ryan will mean more than any questions they will ever have.
So excited for you both and I know Kenzie is telling her little sibling all about you and getting them ready to meet the most amazing Mom and Dad they could be given!! Hugs, Em

Emma said...

Kendra,
I think you are feelings and emotions are totally and completely understandable-does that make the doubts "right"? No,of course not, but with any big decision we always have the what-ifs etc, that is part of making a big decision. I have no doubt you and Ryan made this decision well informed and well thought out and with him so happy and comfortable with it, I have no doubts it is right. You are making your family in the most healthy way possible and you know without a doubt that parents arent about an egg and sperm, they are about love, caring, patience, compassion, understanding and being there uncondtionally-and you and Ryan are those parents and this little one is so lucky to be coming into your arms, your home and your family!!

As for telling them, I think you are right in it not being a big secret, not making a big deal out of it, you just let them know that they were so badly wanted that you chose to have God give them to you in whatever way He allowed them to come to this world happy and healthy-and that you promised to love them and care for them while they were here. They will never doubt your love for them and that will overshadow any other questions. Will there be some? Maybe, but again, questions are normal in big decisions, but the love and family they have in you and Ryan will mean more than any questions they will ever have.
So excited for you both and I know Kenzie is telling her little sibling all about you and getting them ready to meet the most amazing Mom and Dad they could be given!! Hugs, Em

Presley & Charlotte Gleason said...

I truly believe that whatever you do in life that confidence is key. You are Ryan were confident in bringing a beautiful baby into the world in this very special way. And that confidence and assurance will rub off on your sweetie pie. :) Remember that you are amazing Kendra! And "comparing" and "wondering" with Kenzie and this new baby is totally normal and that is okay! It really is- Because when you see that baby things will come together even more. But I think it will be a process. Even with Charlotte I think every single day about, what if she gets hurt, what if she chokes, what if she gets something else besides smard, what if Presley is jealous of her abilities, what if charlotte is jealous of the attention her sister gets.....what if what if.....every day. It never goes away. And as she grows there are new challenges and fears that have stemmed from our situation with Pres. I will have fear for both my girls in the back of my mind always. (what mother doesnt, we just all have different ones) I hope it gets better with time, I think it will. But it is normal and okay to think that way to an extent. To compare. To worry. You have been through something that has changed you forever and you will feel what you feel and you do not need to suppress those feelings. But if you can be confident in the things you can control then I think it makes it easier to get through the harder, scary and uneasy times. Does any of this make sense? Im a novel writer. And haha, you totally dont need to post this cause I sound like all over the place! I just wanted to write and let you know we support and love you and you are doing great Kendra! You are in our prayers and thoughts a lot! This baby is lucky to have you as parents, and lucky to have such a beautiful angel through their life! As you are lucky to have them!

Denise said...

I have two children from the same sperm donor. Two amazing wonderful light up the world children. Most days we forget about how they were brought into our lives...daddy is daddy and the bond between them is no different than the ones he has with his older children. I will not lie. There are days the fear of telling them sneaks back in. At least for me and the tears flow hard on the those days. But the time is coming soon to tell our oldest...he is turning six and I think he can actually grasp some of what we will tell him (he has had some delays in language so we have held off telling him). There is a book out there called Hope and Will Have a Baby...the gift of donor sperm. He still fits in the age range so we will be getting it to help "tell the story". I will let you know how the book reads. Even how it goes. I know he wont grasp it completely when we first read it to him but it will be something that comes over time.

Trust me what you feel is normal. I have felt that way. Its so ok to feel it too.

On the baby looking like your hubs...many times people have commented that Noah looks like his daddy. Comparing pictures of my stepdaughter as a 2yo and my 2yo daughter Clara and they look so much alike.

I hope this helps. Thinking of you.

Denise WI

Auntie EM said...

Sorry - forgot something.....I told Trent when he was very little that he was adopted. I know it is not the same thing as using a sperm donor but really it is kinda the same thing. Tell your child when they are little as much as they can understand. Tell them more as they get older. Tell them how lucky they are to be given a chance to come to such a great family. They will know by the love you show that they were wanted and loved from the very moment they were conceived. They will love you for it and will never think of you as anything else but their parents. I love you Kendra.

Jeanna said...

I haven't ever been in your shoes. However, my dad was killed in an accident before I was born. The idea that while I am normal, the story of my birth and where I came from are not has always been a part of me. If this information is never "new" and is not a big deal it won't ever be a big deal to your baby. It's as simple and as complicated as that.

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