Thursday, February 23, 2012

intense

When this baby comes in September it will be nearly 3 years since I have been a "MOM". How is that even possible. It seriously seems like ill be a born again Mom virgin. I will tell you right now I am rather fearful. Not only do I feel I have forgot everything I started to learn with Makenzie but I now have to add the aspect that I am a Mom who has lost a child. Which I can see making one even more over protective/ controlling/ crazy. and lets face it. I have pretty much maxed out ones level in all 3 of those areas just by being me.
So this baby. I am really worried about. What kind of life will they even have? Will they have a life? I can definitely see myself finding some kind of bubble to incubate him in and refusing to ever let the zipper undone. He will see hear and speak NO EVIL.
Oh poor little fetus. I really feel for you.
Ryan was coming home from work the other day and nearly hit this poor child who lives in our neighborhood. He is the cutest little thing and seriously he is little. and always outside alone. In the summer we are very cautious and aware of the kids running around but in the winter its not as often when we see the wee ones running around in the freezing cold. Ryan firmly declared our kids wont be allowed to play outside alone. No matter how old they are. So immediately I thought of my 15 year old son who wants to ride his bike with friends and me- his mother- jumping right behind since we would of course have a tandem if that's the case.
I mean seriously my childhood days were spent running wild at the local drug park. I lived in the hood after all. I can recall several "dealings" going down, I was caught in the middle of more than 1 drive by shooting in my front yard and I witnessed 1 home invasion (literally the entire thing. You could see into these peoples house from my bedroom window and I was the one who had to call the cops at like 2am as they were held with knives... But I knew that if you minded your bees wax you were left alone and that life was not scary to me. Ryan was raised in the hood that was a step up from my hood. He would leave in the morn and come home before dark. Running freely and never having a care or someone to check in with. I am telling you it wasn't that long ago that we were kids. I mean it was just recently. The world isn't that much worse since we were young. There was all the same crime and EVIL lurking at every corner. So why are we now the ones who is like...
"Our kids will never go outside alone.." along with hundreds of other NEVER's we have come up with that we ourselves once did.
You want to know a NEVER I remember telling myself when life was just not fair and I was told that horrid word of NO? I remember saying-- I will never be some OLD mom who forgets what its like to be a kid. I mean at the ripe old age of 12 I was certain I had lived life. I knew what was out there. I had seen things no one else had seen! I mean come on. I was practically an adult. Life is not how it was way back when my MOM was that age. She doesn't know anything. I shouldn't have a curfew. I shouldn't be told NO when I want to hang at some random boys house who is quite the rebel, but in a good way you know.

I sit here and seriously feel bad for fetus. Who will in only 209 days be BABY... and who in approximately 4,954 days will become a TEENAGER. Lord help me. That is not near enough time for me to figure all this out and learn to be a perfect balance of COOL mom and total shielder of all things EVIL in this world mom.
I mean what if I have to discipline? GASP. I know my child needing to be disciplined? Probably never going to happen--- but what if?
Ill keep it real and tell you that I am one to believe that a tap on the tush cant hurt. I was spanked. I was what some would call "beat" and I have learned what I think is right and wrong when it comes to disciplining a child in that sense. Now don't go blowing up my comments with telling me I am a horrible person for even saying I would spank a kid. I'm not saying I would or would not. I'm just saying I don't think it will be ruled out and NEVER done. and I will say there is a HUGE difference between a "spank" and being "hit". I think too many people get that very confused and don't do the right thing. I don't believe a child should ever be spanked if you are not in control of yourself. That's what will lead to hitting which then becomes abuse. and believe me I understand that. There will never be abuse in my home. and that is a NEVER that will never change.

... besides I am standing firm that I will never need to worry about the discipline issue because my kid would NEVER do something that would ever warrant a spank because they will be perfect.
They will be one of those kids that come home and immediately finish homework, help around the house, ask mom if she needs a glass of water. ask pa if he needs help chopping wood and then if all that is done we will sit down as a family and play a little chess or get a little crazy and play charades.
I think it will be the cool thing to be best friends with your Mom and Dad. From birth to age 102.
We will do everything together!
When they fill out the MASH form and list who their BFF is... It will always say Mom.
Ill buy us matching friendship bracelets.
We will have a special language that only we know.
We will stay up late and toilet paper our own house! then we will wake up early and clean it up before Pa wakes- oh it will be amazing.
.... okay wait... am I the only one who is a little creeped out by what I just said? I guess that is weird. Maybe I don't really want to be that bestest of friends with my kid. I mean I want them around. all the time. I never want them to even think of the word hate or dislike and ME in the same thought. I really just want to have them LOVE me forever and think of me as the most incredible person in the entire world and worship the ground I walk on. but then again I am not so out of touch with being a parent that I don't remember what my job really entails. and that isn't being a friend. sigh. this parenting stuff is tough. and fetus isn't even past its first trimester! at least we will be best friends until he is like 5 right?! maybe even a little longer depending how fast he make friends! He might be a little nerdy so we can be bestest nerdy friends.
BUT WAIT... I have a solution for that. My mom taught me how to make friends. and she would kill me for ever speaking of this but its one that the whole world must know because it might help you.
It was long ago.
I was in Kindergarten.
It was I believe week 2, and I had NO friends. I was a loner. I was sad. a sad little blond haired goofy looking kid who no one would share a crayon with. tear.
well my mom came to pick me up from school one day and asked if i had made any friends yet. I shook my head and hung it in shame as we walked out of the school yard. I think she was tired of being my BFF so she was determined to find me a find a new one and FAST.
Just then this helpless little blond haired girl goes running past and my mom grabbed her by the backpack and yanked her back so vigorously and yelled... WHATS YOUR NAME? like a creep and all! The girl totally afraid for her life whispered "sara". I was in complete shock that my mom was physically assaulting this girl when I look over and her PARENTS are standing feet away pretty much with their mouths wide open in shock as well. I'm telling you people it was a sight to see.
Well my mom unhooked her death grip on that backpack and the girl scampered off to her parents.
It may seem like the most horrific day of that poor Sara's life but ill tell you she was from that moment on my BFF.  (well until I had to switch schools a few years later and we lost contact)
but the moral of the story is I know how to make friends for my nerdy kid!

So who knows what ill be like. I'm going to sit back and just enjoy him being in my tummy right now. After all I am his bestest friend now and I can do no wrong in his little fused eyes.

PS. How do you spell blond? Does that sound like something a blond would say? ha. I have always spelled it blonde- but spell check just informed me that was wrong. BLOND. Just doesnt look right.

11 comments :

The Hickman Family said...

You sound like me with all your worries and concerns about EVERYTHING with being a mom! I was definately worse while pregnant with Grant, but now knowing this one is a girl, its different kind of worries about just that....not knowing what to do with a GIRL & all their emotions etc. I remember when I was pregnant with Grant, my husband & I got in a serious figh to the point of me crying (him probably laughing because he knew how I was super hormonal) because we got on the subject of what shows our kids could watch and when. Seriously? who thinks of that stuff! Anyway, I'm glad I'm not the only one with so many concerns and worries. Everything will be great & you guys are wonderful parents!

Justine said...

You and Ryan are going to make great parents, even if you never let your kids go outside on their own.:)
And blonde is spelled with either an e or no e, so you are right, but so am I, as I like to spell it with and e.:)

Karli said...

Loved this post. If you ever get it all figured out, let us know. =)

FWIW, blond refers to a color. Blond wood, blond hair, etc. BlondE is only used for a woman or girl w/blonde hair. SO basically blond is male or gender neutral. Blonde is feminine.

Kim Sheely said...

Ha ha, you crack me up. I measured my success as a mother when my oldest proclaimed, "I hate you!" I figured mission accomplished. I remember "hating" my mom. She was nosey and protective and constantly involved in everything I did. Always knew the parents of the house I was going to. Made me do my homework, get a job and the chores, the dreaded chores. I "hated" my mom so much I grew up to be just like her. Responsible, hard working, supportive, encouraging and most of all loving. Crap, I think I am a carbon copy, which is just fine by me. I am happy to be "hated" by my kids for all the same things I despised my mother for. You will be just fine! A perfect nosey, protective, loving, supportive and encouraging mother. For the record, my mom is and always has been my best friend. Still sending happy prego prayers your way. And, by the way I think it is blonde. :)

Nevaeh's Mommy said...

Ha. U sound like me.:) u are going to be a wonderful mom. U already proved that by being a great mom to your angel.

Tabitha said...

Ha Ha Kendra you crack me up. BTW I believe it is Blond. Of course your little one will be perfect but if he tries his luck I agree a sawt on the bum is not gonna do any harm. I tell my children all the time how lucky they are that I can not handle seeing them cry. My best friend growing up was the corner. We had a great many conversations everyday. Or my dad would have us go pick a switch. It took hours and he would laugh watching from the window drinking his coffee at how we were taking so long to pick the perfect one. I could never do that to my children but I stand my ground especially with my once perfect boy who is now 11 and has to argue everything.. err. you will be a great mommy to this little angel just like you were to Kenzie. Good luck with the bubble I tried finding one for my three kids and never was able to find one that worked.

Robin said...

Good post Kendra! I loved the whole thing! You have all normal worries and fears, hopes and expectations for your children. The kids that call you Momma will be awesome! They are going to be so lucky to have parents like you and Ryan, and a Grandma who lights things on fire for the holidays! You know, when all is said and done, all we can do is our best. The rest will all fall into place.
Praying for you always!

Melissa said...

Do you realize how many times you said "he" or "him" in that post? Can't wait to see if this little one really is a "he" or maybe a "her"! I think you don't need to worry about becoming a good mom, from everything this stranger sees, you already ARE a good mama! It will all come back to you. No worries. (and really? Are there really people who NEVER spank their kids? I don't believe it.

Kennedy Klan said...

You don't know how much I needed this post today! Ya, I just said that :) but first off, I have been up all night with a very sick 8 month old, who has been coughing her poor little head off. And I am now beyond sleepy, have been so worried for her and well ya "the mom not so good days". So getting on here and reading this has made me laugh and cry. I am so glad us moms can relate to each other, because this job is a tough one! :o) And just so ya know I did picture this cute handsome 15 year old running out the door with you right behind him lol I can't tell you how happy I am for you and Ryan to be able to be getting this new little one! YAY

Rafahi Family said...

I truly believe that a lot of your concerns are normal. My oldest will be 14 this yr, next my son will be 6 and my youngest will be 2. I am going to have my fourth kid this yr, so I have been a 'new' parent at least twice since first becoming a mom. (The first 2 were so spread out it felt so awkward and new I was very afraid of doing something wrong!)
But I know you will have that mother instinct kick right back in. When you hold that baby in your arms you will remember everything that you are supposed to do and I am sure that your family can help you with any questions. (And you can always ask your blogging buddies!)

glenda said...

That maternal instict will definitely kick right in. Full gear ahead! You will do just fine!

I always spell Blonde with the E!
Best to you and lil one in your belly!

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