Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Day 9 and Day 1

So I am on day 9 of my cycle.
Which means its day 1 of testing my ovulation everyday.
I got the expensive, super easy to read digital tests.
I am testing right at noon.
I am taking my temperature each morning.
So hopefully this month I wont miss it.
I am going out of town for a couple days tomorrow but I am prepared I might have to come home a bit early if I test positive while I am gone.

I cant believe how much I want this. How much I am aching to hold my child again. To be called Mom. To have a future with another life.  I have thought about the what ifs. The worry if this will ever happen. We have been wanting to add to our family for almost a year now.  We have been trying to figure out what is the best way to have our child come to us. We were so close at one point but lost her. I cant help but wonder what will be next. If there will be something else. I feel like I have so much love to give. I pray that God has another little life ready for us. That he knows how much we will love them and do anything for them. I miss my Kenzie. I miss the family I once had. Its overwhelming to think of what life was 2 years ago right now. The choices Ryan and I were forced to make. The life our Makenize was living.  I would have kept her forever. I would have given up my whole existence and taken care of her if she would have let me. I didn't want to say goodbye. I didn't want to give her back to God. I wanted to keep her for myself. But I knew her plan was different. I had to put my wants aside and do what she wanted. I just pray God knows Ill do the same for any other child he blesses me with. I know how incredible their life will be and I promise to live my life for them. To give them as much as I can. To love them more than they could ever imagine being loved. I have seen how precious life is. I have seen it taken away. I know every second, every snotty nose, every upset tummy, every smile, every laugh and every breath they take will be a gift. I will not take their life for granted. I will savor it. I will soak it up. I hope it happens. I hope it happens not only for me but for every other Mother out there praying for the same thing. The wanting and waiting is absolutely heart wrenching. I pray God hears all of our prayers.

20 comments :

Mari said...

I pray so, too, Andrea.
Amen.

Laura said...

Your story is so honest, I love reading your blog. I pray that it happens for you this cycle and you get to have the family that you so desperately want! (hugs)

Mindee & Austin said...

Fingers crossed and prayers being said for you guys!! You are such an amazing mother, any child will be so blessed to have you as a mom!

Ashley said...

Sp excited for you guys and definitely keeping everything crossed!!

Kennedy Klan said...

You are in my prayers! You are both such wonderful parents!

Rafahi Family said...

Keeping you in my prayers and hoping so much that this works for you!

Robin said...

I know it is so hard to wait, but it will happen if/when it is meant to. I know how good of a mom you are and will be again to another little one. You and Ryan deserve another child to love. God knows your heart, and He does hear you. I'm praying so hard for you Kendra! Big dose of **Baby Dust** coming your way!

Kim Sheely said...

I have been praying every night for a little peanut to be blessed into your family. Sending good vibes your way!

awful, beautiful life said...

As I read this i am sitting in the doctors office waiting for a prescription for 2 fertility medicines to take. I do not know what its like to lose a child. But I know what its like to ache for one. Its been 2 years now and nothing. Praying for you everyday
-Savanna

awful, beautiful life said...

As i read this I am sitting in a doc. Office waiting for a prescription of 2 fertility medications. Its been two years now and nothing. I dont know what its like to lose a child, but i know what its like to ache for one. Praying for you everyday.
-Savanna

Alissa said...

Tears...and sending prayers. Wanting that myself so bad...hoping it happens soon for you.

Ryan,Erika,Kaylee and Khloe Pettersson said...

From the bottom of my heart I'm praying, hoping, wishing and crossing my fingers that you'll get to hold your new baby soon. You are incredibly strong and I thank you for your decision to share your story so others like me can try a little harder to be a little better moms to our little ones. To hold them a little tighter and not take them for granted. Good luck Kendra!!!!

Ashli Mendon said...

I pray it happens this month!!! I went to Festival of Trees tonight and thought of you, Ryan and Makenzie! It was my first year going and am going back cause I couldn't see everything! It was amazing what they have and what the cause is for! Good luck testing and the morning temp is a pain... Remember those days!

Wendy said...

You are an amazing person. Lucky are the little ones who get to be yours. I'm praying you get pregnant soon!

Nancy said...

Good luck! We are rooting for you! Hope the many deserved blessings come your way.

VALIE said...

Hoping.
You are a wonderful person, and your love must not, cannot, be lost.

Toni said...

I know God knows all you have in your heart; no one ever wants to make the choice you have Ryan have had to make. You’re in my prayers, and crossing everything for you both this MONTH! Baby Dust and sticky vibes.

Emma said...

My thoughts, prayers and all my most positive baby thoughts are coming yoru way!! You and Ryan are such amazing parents, such loving people and I know when you are blessed with a child they will be so incredibly lucky to have you!!!!!! I am hoping this is the month, I know God and Kenzie have someone so special picked out for you, and I can't wait to find out who they are and when they will be joining your family. Love and hugs always, Em

Casey and Melissa said...

It's almost not fair to have my words about a mother's hopeful heart mingled here with yours, because our journeys have been so different. I have a healthy, smart, beautiful almost 2 year old whom I couldn't possibly love more. But oh, that ache. 8 months and a miscarriage later, we still haven't added to our family. Thank you for your words. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for still believing after everything. And if it's any consolation, whenever I pray over my own situation, I ALWAYS pray over yours. Fingers crossed that we BOTH get that special Christmas present! Much love.

Katie Danner said...

I will pray for you Kendra!I love reading your blogs. yesterday I was the Festival of Trees and I was wondering if Kenzie had one this year? I was looking but didn't see one. Anyway, my prayers are with you! :)

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