Monday, November 14, 2011

23 months

The love I have for you is unlike any other love.
You my dear--- are the constant in my life. No matter what hurt, fear, worry comes you are always the light.  To know that no matter what happens at the end of the day I am one day closer to you.
Makenzie Rye you have no idea how much I miss you.  I get so frustrated sometimes because I feel like this should be easier.  I feel like enough time has passed that I shouldn't hurt this bad.
The only difference.... 
The amount of time from one break down to the next has become more distant. 
It is not an everyday thing anymore. 
I think about you everyday--- pretty much most of the day--- but its not that heavy weight that just makes me want to crawl in a hole and die. 
But when those big waves come... They seem to be bigger than ever.
I have a hard time allowing myself to just feel now.  It has been 23 months.  I tell myself I should be more put together. So I fight it. I fight it as much as I can until I just cant anymore.
Makenzie Rye I want you. I want you more and more that time goes on. I want to be your mum. I want to hold you. I want to raise you. I want to watch your life. I want to be apart of who you are. 
Why does it always seem like everything crumbles at the same time?
No on in this house pretends.  We are the most real when these doors are closed.
I have so much to say but I just cant. I cant keep finding the words. I cant keep trying to figure out how I'm feeling and how to fix them.
I feel so broken.
I feel like I'm in a million pieces all over and I cant even begin to piece them together.
My fingers hurt.
My arms are heavy.
My heart literally feels like its going to fall out of my body.
My stomach is in knots.
My legs are shaky.
I am forcing myself to blink.
I just need to breathe.
Breathe you.
Kenzie, know you are my life. Please know my heart and how much of it is totally consumed of you. 
I will keep trying.
After all, today is a day you are celebrating.
23 months you have been free.
23 months you have been with Jesus.
I just hate that its been 23 months since I have been in your world.

6 comments :

brigette said...

Hugs mama. You guys are doing so good. Look at all of the things that you have accomplished! You are amazing. I love you guys and am thinking of you today and always. Hugs and prayers your way!! Let the emotions come.. hiding them until they explode stinks!! Happy 23 month sweet McKenzie I hope your dancing today with god!!

Mindee & Austin said...

I'll be thinking of you guys this day, and I cant imagine what youre feeling..your doing amazing and your such an amazing momma/person! You are stronger than you know..I can tell from your words..even though you feel like youre falling apart. Happy 23rd month Mckenzie, you are so beautiful!

Ashley said...

I feel the same way about Erik. Tomorrow is 2 years and it hurts more now than it did all those months ago.

(((HUGS))) to you!!!

Em said...

I know you feel like you should be in "different place" but I think you are doing amazing and are exactly where you need to be. You will never stop missing Kenzie, although I would love to ease the pain you wouldn't want to, she is your sweetest girl and forever will be-but I am so glad the most awful days are getting further apart. I think you are in the place you are supposed to be because of all the things you are doing. You are moving forward, you are still thinking of others while missing your sweet girl and you are showing so many of us what love and life are truly about-you are amazing!! I know Kenzie feels your love, every second of every day, and I know that she can't wait to show you Heaven and allt he wonderful things she has been able to do. I know our time here on Earth seems so long without someone we love, but to her, in such an incredible place it will be the blink of an eye and you will be reunited. Hugs today and always, Love Em

Robin said...

Thinking of and praying for you and Ryan always! ((hugs))

Jessica and Reece said...

Sending loads and loads of love to you, Ryan and that beautiful baby. Your little family is always in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you know that!

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