life

Sometimes I still find myself surprised that life is still moving. That nothing will last forever. No one. Nothing. It will all end. You sell it, lose it, burn it. Someone dies, runs away, moves away, goes missing. Nothing is permanent. My anxiety is kicked into high gear. Seeing how little control there is over anything really.  These are the times I have to sit down and just breathe. I have to give all my fear, anxiety and doubt to God and pray he gives me some sort of relief. I still have this dumb earthly mind that still doubts who God is, what he looks like, how he runs things, what is going on up there, is it really "up" there, does he have a desk, do we all have a file in a filing cabinet?  What do the angels do? Are they all in white, do they have wings, do they wonder around with their hands pressed against each other and sing? Is the ground just clouds? Do you eat? Do you poop? Do you get a tummy ache or rashes? Do you still need to get your shots if you are a baby (Makenzie is past due for a few)... Is there houses? Do you sleep? Where do you go?
You see my mind is spinning all the time. The wondering and fear. The what ifs and who is there.
I am learning to trust in my faith.
I'm learning my faith.
I'm still learning this new world.
Ryan and I decided we should sell our video camera. We bought it a month after Makenzie was born. I had to have something to capture everything about her. I needed to remember everything then. Who would have known how precious and irreplaceable those videos are to me now. How just the sound of her breathing will take me to a different world. This camera is great. However, we got a new computer for Christmas this last year, an Apple. Love the computer but our computer and camcorder don't sync. Weird. Every other brand would work on an Apple but not Sony.... So we have had to convert all of Makenzie's videos to a format that we can play on our Apple. THANK GOD. I also have those videos in a couple other places... Just in case! But the point is we think its silly to keep this camcorder around when we should get a new one so we can capture memories of future children. The decision to sell wasn't a huge deal. That is until I realized I will have to delete her videos off it. It has internal memory so we never had an SD card or anything. Those videos are on that camera. There is no taking them off without deleting them. I have them in several other places, I have them all, I will never lose them but the thought of hitting that delete button on those videos makes me want to throw up. I want to pull out my hair. I want to scream and hide. My anxiety is on overdrive.To have them gone off that camera.
Irrational. Crazy. Doesn't make sense... All Yes.
But its real.
Its another thing. Another reminder. Another milestone to crawl through. Makenzie is in heaven. Those videos are the best things I have now of her. They are what make me feel her the most. I watch them and I am there. I can feel her skin, smell her, drift into that. Her Mother.
Those videos remind me how amazing she is. There are videos of her before she went into the hospital and was struggling so much. I see how much strength she had. I think about what she must have been thinking and feeling. Working so hard just to breathe. Just to breathe.
She knew I needed her. She knew She couldn't let go yet. She knew she had more to do so she worked harder than anyone has ever worked to just be.
My worst days- I think of her and I make my mind shift... because I know if she got through that I can get through this. Its now my turn.
I know she needs me here, I know I cant let go, I have more to do and ill now work harder than anyone to just be.
These videos.... ahhh.... it hurts.... That camera... it will be gone soon... but ill never lose her.
That camera is not life. Its a thing. Its disposable. I am grateful I had it but I will not let that define my life. I will not let the camera that once held her videos become more precious than the world that's in front of me.
My faith is learning because of this. The selling of a camera. Silly-Doesn't make sense- Yes.
But sometimes those are the very best things that help you learn the most.
Another memory. Another day. Another thing.
I will not let go.
I will learn to live through all of this because I am lucky enough to have her teaching me what life is really about.