Saturday, May 7, 2011

at the store

standing in that isle.
every card is pink.
everything says celebrate. love. lucky. thank you. happy. mothers. day
i am trying to find a card. for my mom.
a dad and 2 little girls stood in front of me.
i stepped back and watched them. couldn't move. the littlest had to be around kenzies age.
she kept picking up cards saying..... happy mothers... then putting it back and finding another.
they were there at least 5 minutes before they each picked out the perfect card.
i still couldn't move
i didn't want to read a single one.

i imagined her mothers day without me.
her day because its the day she made me, me. a mother.
god i miss her.
i wish she was picking out a card with ryan.

so there i was. surrounded by people. pushing around me. and i still didn't move. i cried. one that just hurt.

after a quiet car ride home i told ryan that i wish i was a mom.
of course he got on me. told me how i am and forever will be a mom.
i guess he is right, but. she isn't here.
im not getting up early to get her out of bed. im not saving for college. im not thinking about preschools. i don't spend my nights playing on the floor. i don't worry about dirty diapers or healthy foods. i don't think about spills, falls, tears, scrapped knees.
its hard to feel like a mom.
its hard to remember i am a mom.
it was such an honor to worry about all of that before. it only lasted such a short time. how can it still ache so much. maybe because for us. we are mothers the moment we find out they exist.
once we see them, touch them, feel them... we become different people and there is no going back.
its in us forever.
im so very thankful for being then. for her life. for the short time i was able to call her mine.
i am dreaming our world is different. even for a day. i don't need her to do anything for me. i just want to feel that again. a mom. being her mom.

10 comments :

The Mac's House said...

Oh Kendra,

You're a mom of an Angel, the hardest job a Mom has on this earth. A Mom in ever sense of the word.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Big hugs girlie!
Nana Teri

Emma said...

I am so sorry. I can't imagine the pain of imagining your sweet girl there with you, in your arms but please don't forget what an incredible Mom you are and always will be. I won't say I even begin to understnad how it feels when your little girl isn't physically with you, but I do know how much love you have for her and her for you and there is nothing, not time, not space, not Heaven or Earth that can seperate that. Your love transcends all that and although I know there is nothing you wish more than to hold her in your arms, I hope you feel her in your presence tomorrow...wrapping you in her love because she WILL be doing that!!
Thinking of you always, Love Em
(PS I sent a little message to your email as well)

Alerie said...

I was just about to send you an email wishing you a Happy Mother's Day (you have been on my mind a lot today), when I signed into blogger and saw this. Tears are all over my face. My heart hurts so bad for you. I don't know what else to say other than I am so sorry. I can't even imagine how much that hurts. I hope you feel Makenzie's presence tomorrow, because I know she loves you more than anything. You are her mommy and nothing can ever change that. You gave her everything and I know she is so grateful she was sent to you. You are amazing and I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Much love!!

bibc said...

happy mother's day. im sorry this is all so hard. you are a mother to a beautiful little one. i only wish she was in your arms today. your tributes to her are so lovely and full of honesty. i just know she is even closer to you than normal today.
hugs
xoxo
lis

Ashley said...

Love ya girl. I really do think about you all the time. I think how incredible you've been, and am so grateful for how much you've helped me out. You're still in my prayers every night.

Love,
Ash

ASHLEY ELDER said...

Found your blog through your friend...I am so very sorry for your loss, your daughter was just so beautiful. You can definitely see how much she was loved and cared for. I lost my son last August at 4 months old to SIDS, it never gets easy missing him.

((Hugs)) Hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day!!

Anonymous said...

My heart aches for your loss. I am so very sorry. I hope you feel her presence today.

Jessica and Reece said...

Thinking of you today and always. I'm sure Kenzie will give you the gift of her comfort and love from heaven, because you are a fantastic mother. Thank you for your example.

Sunshine Promises said...

I don't know you but I too lost a child - 20 month year old Bennett - suddenly in January. There are no words to describe the ache I feel.

I know you know.

So as someone else who knows and feels very similar feelings, I cry, hurt and pray for you today.

God bless.

Lesley said...

Today is my baby girls 24th birthday, and she's been gone for almost 20 years. But she's still mine, just as your baby girl is still yours. You are a mom. And a wonderful one.

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