Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Why I Blog....

I write because I have freedom. I don't need to worry about what other people might think. What kind of reaction ill get. I can talk about the same things over and over. I can be irrational. I can say what I'm feeling right in that moment and then move forward. I am compiling my blog book for 2010. Its a whole lot of Makenzie. A whole lot of my feelings on the same topic. We are into 2011 and I'm starting to see the same trend. Funny thing is... I don't care. I mean I kind of do because I would like to share more of my life to an extent since this is my journal but in reality I don't have much more to share than my deepest feelings. and. those feelings are Makenize. There is not a second that goes by that I don't find myself thinking about her. Thinking about her new life. The life I was able to share with her. The life we will share again someday. I get lost in a single imagine of her in my mind and before I know it minutes or sometimes hours have passed. I decided early on in this process that I would not be done. I would not give up and I would keep breathing. 
I am still here and I am still breathing.
Life isn't about the end result, its about the steps along the way. These are all steps I'm taking and in order to take that next step--- I cant ignore how I got here. Everything in life is what brings you to where you are right now. The good and bad. As much as I could wish the rest of my life that I had my Makenzie with me, I have to understand that is a wish that it will not come true.
Its a wish that was, A wish that will be again- but not now. 
I write about her so much because this is my escape. Its my escape from the front I put on every.single.day. The happy-silly-life is good- persona.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not always un-happy. I am learning how to be happy. I have great days and I have alot of good in my life.

But if I really wanted to- if I really let myself give in- My life would be on pause. I would stay home and hold all of her things. I would watch her videos over and over. I would bury my face into her dirty clothes that still smell like her. I would never leave my house because, whats the point. She was my reason and its a daily task to remind myself that there are other reasons.

It has been very interesting to see what people say after something like this happens. More often than not, I hear... "I would just die if that happened to me" "I would never get out of bed" "I would kill myself".... So on and so on.. The reality- I said those same words. Before I had Makenzie. I said those words while I held her in my arms when she was "healthy". I said those words when she was in the hospital bed with the unknown still in front of us. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I really am doing this. The unthinkable. I am still living.
The morning after Makenzie returned to God Ryan and I were staying in a hotel... (we couldn't go home that night) I laid in that bed, awake but refusing to open my eyes. I screamed. I cried harder than I had ever cried before that moment. I begged God to let this be a dream and to please not let this be real. I was out of control. Laying next to my husband-both realizing what our world has just become.
I made a choice that day.
I got up.
I held her blanket.
and I started moving.
Her life would not end. My life would not end. Ryans life would not end.
Why?
Because we still had to survive- not only for her but for the future that we would be given.

What am I trying to get at here?
This blog has become my security. Its my place that I can totally crumble and give in. I can say things that I cant always say out loud. I can express my feelings better than I can anywhere else. I can get the anger. The hate. The sadness. The missing. The wanting. The hurt. The ache... Out.
I can put it here and than go back to reality.
and reality is not always so easy. Its work, school, family, friends, chores, errands, responsibilities...
There usually isn't time to just sit there and miss. Its when I'm here and in this state of mind that I can drift away for a bit... Well here and in my car!

I write about her so much because I miss her so much. I want to be a mother. I was ready to be a mother. She was the best thing to ever come into my life and she made me a different person. Not only the life she gave me but the life she endured has made me who I am. She is my daughter and I miss her more than I could ever explain. I was not ready to let her go and that is never going to change. I am learning to live my life around this. There is no having this go away or get better. Its simply moving everything else around it in a way that life can still move forward. I know this life was meant for me and Its my obligation to live it the very best I can. This blog is now apart of my moving forward.

6 comments :

Anonymous said...

You go girl. You do whatever it takes to make sense of this life, your life, her life, and Ryan's life. She will always always be a part of you and you will always have the title of "MOTHER". No one can take that from you. The thing about life...no matter what we do, our lives are who we are, everything we've done, not done, said, not said, lived, not lived, experienced, not experienced is part of us. AND.....we have our wonderful memories that can bring us peace and comfort. You don't have to explain anything to your readers or to any of us. You do whatever it takes to help you. It can be writing, it can be crying, it can be being angry or sad for a time, it can be laughing and being happy, it can be whatever it takes. You are making progress toward your goals and I don't think you will need to regret much at all. We all have those "I wish" thoughts. Try putting your thoughts into "I hope" type of thoughts. That has been a help to me. I realized I can't win the "if only" or "I wish" game. I lost most of the time. Now is the time to hope....hope for the future, hope to achieve yours and Ryan's goals, and my hope and prayer is you will be happy and find peace knowing you are doing your best. I love you guys. Mary

Linda said...

Someday you will be with her and even if it has been years since you both last saw each other. When you finaly get the chance to hold her again all the pain / years will feel no more. Until then you are doing a great job taking it one day at time. You continue being strong and remember everyday that passes is a day closer to holding her again. Oh it will be so sweet!!! God bless you and your husband.

butterflymom said...

This is your safe place, Kendra. A place to share everything. A place to open up and be yourself and not feel worried about what someone is going to say or think. We all support and respect you and how you are moving through your life without your little girl. Keep writing, keep living, and keep loving that little girl. ((hugs))

Rafahi Family said...

You are a hero to me. I envy the strength that you have and I know that our Father in Heaven is watching over you and your family. I keep you in my prayers and I hope that there are many wonderful things in store for you. :-)

April said...

Hi I came across your blog through some other angel mommies. I too am an angel mommy although in a bit different way. My son was born still over 2 1/2 years ago we named him Harry. Everytime I hear of another mother losing a child I just cringe, I could not imagine losing a baby I had had the chance to raise for awhile. Makenzie is absolutely beautiful! I am so sorry for all you and your husband and sweet baby had to go through. I too after losing Harry had to write to get out all I was feeling. There were times when I felt as though I was bugging people or I think people thought I was depressed because I was always talking about him or how I felt. But I came to the realization as you did that writing was what helped me cope and if they didn't want to read it then they didn't have to. I love that writing is helping you and yes you will always remember her, think of her and have bad days here and there. Why wouldn't you, like you said, everything revolved around her, she is your daughter and you are her mother. I hope and pray that you continue to find peace and feel her sweet spirit with you watching over you.
Question: so you do need baby legs still right? I would love to send you some, would you rather I make them? I think its amazing! what your doing in honor of her. I've always wanted to do something in honor of Harry. At christmas I let my other kids pick a little boy off one of those angel trees that would've been harry's age and we get presents for him since we can't for harry. And every year on his birthday we do something nice for someone else. You are amazing! Thank you for sharing your story.

April said...

oh my email for those questions I asked is april@sweetrubyblanekts.com.

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