Tuesday, May 10, 2011

fighting with myself

Last night was a night I could have really used that punching bag I gave my little brother.
I was punching air.
I was swinging my arms and fist so vigorously I thought my arms might fly off. I guess I was making funny faces because Ryan was silently laughing. I know he was trying to just be a support from afar. He could tell I was just off. I kept swinging. At nothing. My arms started to really ache but I kept going. Then I stopped long enough to turn and look at Ryan who was trying so hard to hold back a smile. There was his wife. Standing in the dark, In his over sized Tshirt and under-roos, hair in disarray, makeup totally washed off, face beat red, swinging at nothing. I am not a fighter. I have always been one to say if I ever was put in a situation where I needed to fight someone, I could lay down and curl up in the fetal position and cry. I cant fight. I can pinch and scratch but that's about it. So for me to stand there punching as hard and as fast as I could with no real form. I can imagine it was rather amusing. I kinda gave him a glare to warn him that I would come over there swinging if he started to laugh but then started punching nothing again.
There was so much built up. So much pressure bursting from my body and the only way I could figure out how to let it out was to just get up right then (10pm at night) and start wailing on nothing.
There was no specific emotion. No specific reason. It was everything. Everything! I was mad at the world. I was furious with God. I was disappointed in myself. I was irritated with Ryan. I was fed up with everyone else around me that breathed. It had been boiling. For a few days. In those days nothing really happened. No one tried to kill me or hurt my family. There was no huge milestone that was overly horrible. There is no explanation.
I don't understand myself sometimes. I do things that really don't make sense. I act in ways I cant explain. I don't blame that on any particular issue in life but rather--- I am human.
You are given so much, good and bad. You have expectations. You have rules. You have slip ups.
There is so much. Which sometimes leave people like me, having a boxing match with themselves at 10:00 at night.
I have been so overwhelmed. I have been piling so much pressure onto myself. I have been building these expectations that are a mile high. I don't give myself a break.

- ha, I don't need a break. There are so many other people who are going through so much worse than me and doing so much more. I am just a simple person with everyday things and I shouldn't complain. I need to do better, be better and act better than anyone.

rigggghhhtttt....
That's what I tell myself everyday. I get upset when I don't get up early enough to put another load of laundry in before work or if I don't make Ryan lunch...
I get angry with myself if my car is a mess, if all our regular doctor, dentist and other misc. appointments are not set up for the next year. I stress over the check list after check list I create for myself on a daily basis. Then I feel foolish when I complete everything because in reality nothing is complete. I should be doing something else... Like clean out that window well!
The house is never clean enough, the laundry is never REALLY done, the car is never full of gas, there isnt enough money.
Its never enough. There is no end.
When will I stop?
There is so much pressure. For all of us.
I need to stop. Breathe. Know I have done good.
No matter how much or how little I get done, Its enough.
Easier said than done right...
Can you relate?
I feel I'm not giving enough attention to Ryan.
I feel I don't give enough to my friends and I'm not around them enough.
I feel I am neglecting my family.
I feel I ignore important responsibilities.
I feel I lack in my school and career.
I feel I'm not listening for Makenzie enough.
Over and over. Again and again.
You see someone else from the outside. They seem to have it all together. They seem to get it.
What don't I get? Why cant I figure it out and get myself together?
The realist in me says-- they don't have it all together. They are human and probably have 10pm nights like me.
The un-realistic side of me... the one who shows its self more... It stuck thinking I'm not enough.

If you get this... If you can relate... Help!
As much as I love to hear--- You just have to believe your enough--- Its not working for me. Is there something else? Should I be doing or saying something else?
Tonight I might be to tired to have a boxing match again. It took a lot out of me!

13 comments :

The Mac's House said...

Oh girlie, you know I can so relate.

Sometimes I feel like I'm swirling around and can't find my way out.

Sorry no words of wisdom, nothing that I can say will help or make it better, no magic wand.

However, I have to smile at the fact that your husband, the one who loves you more than anything in this world was watching you. When you turned around and saw him he was trying so hard not to smile = PRICELESS! Now one thing I can say is that guys got your back, even when you're acting and looking like some crazy lady in the same house as him. Somehow I'm feeling he has a good joke or two inside of him as well. :)

Nana Teri

Rikki and Aiden said...

Hi. My name is Rikki and I came across your blog from a from a friends.

First off, I am so sorry for your loss and pain. 4 years ago this July my husband died. It was completely unexpected and happened really fast. I was pregnant with our son at the time. Everyday, I miss him and I hurt. I want to kick, punch, and scream almost on a daily basis. Our son is amazing and his smile helps, but it doesn't take the pain away. I am now engaged and expecting another baby, but I still miss Mike. He was my world and I love him still. The pain will never go away, and sadly I don't think the anger will either. That punching bag might help. I have one and it definitely helps.

Danielle said...

Hi, Im Danielle.
I actually grew up in utah and my sister still lives there! It is a wonderful place.
I have been reading your blog for a couple of months now. I even went back to when Makenzie was first born. Your story as really touched my heart ~ I'm a somewhat newbie mom and finally realize how amazing it is to love another little life so unconditionally, so easily. My heart breaks everytime I read your posts. I want you to have those things you want. I want you to be a mother again and I wish for you that. I pray. I can really see how much you loved being a mother to Makenzie and I can tell you are an amazing mother. Oh- and I think you write wonderful!!..writing about your hard times, and beautiful times.

I think it is selfless how you choose to share these feelings with anyone and everyone - I think you are amazing.

I dont have advice for you and I wish I did -I love how you took out your anger/hurt though. =) It is all mental - you just need to find a way to believe, believe you are wonderful, you are enough and you are doing everything you possibly can. You are such a busy lady - you need to stop and make time to heal your mind....your heart will never heal, but your mind is what your fighting with. BeLIEVE! you. are. enough. =)

Danielle said...

Hi, Im Danielle.
I actually grew up in utah and my sister still lives there! It is a wonderful place.
I have been reading your blog for a couple of months now. I even went back to when Makenzie was first born. Your story as really touched my heart ~ I'm a somewhat newbie mom and finally realize how amazing it is to love another little life so unconditionally, so easily. My heart breaks everytime I read your posts. I want you to have those things you want. I want you to be a mother again and I wish for you that. I pray. I can really see how much you loved being a mother to Makenzie and I can tell you are an amazing mother. Oh- and I think you write wonderful!!..writing about your hard times, and beautiful times.

I think it is selfless how you choose to share these feelings with anyone and everyone - I think you are amazing.

I dont have advice for you and I wish I did -I love how you took out your anger/hurt though. =) It is all mental - you just need to find a way to believe, believe you are wonderful, you are enough and you are doing everything you possibly can. You are such a busy lady - you need to stop and make time to heal your mind....your heart will never heal, but your mind is what your fighting with. BeLIEVE! you. are. enough. =)

Emma said...

Okay, give Ryan a pat on the back for holding in the laugh because I think most men wouldn't have been able to! Even if they feel your pain, the sight of it would just have to make them laugh-see, you are bringing him smiles, there's a positive about the whole 'boxing air' thing! :-)
I wish there was something to say to 'fix' how you feel, some wonderful words for wisdom but there isn't...but there is an explanation (at least I think so!). You have gone through something you couldn't control, not one little second of it, so now you are trying to have control of anything and everything you can. Although this is a totally reasonable way to feel, even the things in our lives that seem controllable just aren't-life happens and distracts us, we forget about the load of laundry, we get tired etc-now throw in your emotions of grief, trying to sell your house, go to school-seriously, any of us with ONE of those things would be going crazy-I think you are amazing doing them all at once!!
So, no, I have no helpful hints on how to get through, other than just do what you need at the time-and if that means punching air, so be it (better than a wall or person!:-)
Love and hugs, Em

crystal said...

Kendra,
I think we all have these moments in our life. I sometimes let things just build up and then instead of punching, I have to scream. I think we expect too much out of ourselves and when we don't accomplish what we thought we should, we want to explode. I have come to realize that life is too short and that need to let some things go. I get so angry with my husband because I like to keep the house clean but he is the messiest person ever and doesn't care if the house is clean or not. So instead of cleaning up after 2 kids, I clean up after 3. I told him the other night that I was tired of him thinking that I was his maid and I wasn't going to clean up after him anymore. I have even gone as far as throwing all of his stuff in the floor so he could clean it up right and then I get to feeling bad and I have to clean it up myself lol. Two other things that have helped me are God and Scripture. God will not put anymore on us than we can handle, and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Our strength come from the Lord and if we do all we can for the Glory of him, then we have done our best. Don't put so many expectations on yourself, just breathe and enjoy life :) Thinking about you and praying for you <3

Shawna said...

Pray Kendra. Pray often and continue to do so. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy and anger at myself for not doing things "right" (read: not the way I want them). Even after I came back to the faith of my youth and begin to build a relationship with God, I still struggled with this. I had dark days where I was just angry with myself for not being perfect. But I am learning. I have begun more and more to give those thoughts to God; to let him take them and do what He does. And as I have let Him in, He has dissipated those feelings. Things that not to long ago would have had me in tears or under great stress seem like increments of normal life not worth worrying about anymore and the last six months have been amazing in that way. I know that God is doing this (because I am letting Him) and there is no other reason for this change. I have done nothing but let Him take the reigns and He has done so and done so incredibly. I cannot begin to explain the amazing peace this has brought but I pray that you will have it too. Pray Kendra. Pray and surrender. Surrender those fears to Him. That is all the advice I can offer.

Sarah said...

Hi Kendra. I don't know you personally, but I found your blog through the blogging grapevine and I read your whole story. I sat at my computer and sobbed for you. I am so very sorry. There are no words to say that could make anything better.

But, I can completely relate with this post. I feel like I am always behind. Whenever I finish up my to-do's and I sit down to relax, all the of the "extra" things I could and should be doing come into my head. If I think about it too much, I start going crazy. We are never done and we can never be caught up. I hate it. Sometimes, I just want everything perfect in life, but I know it never will be and it makes me absolutely crazy. So, I just have to make myself not think about it. I focus on taking one day at a time and trying not to be my worst critic. I finally realized that I can't do everything, be everything, have everything. It is impossible (But it still makes me crazy sometimes ;)

I just love your blog. Thank you for being so open and honest and real. Your precious Angel is so very special and I know you will be with her again someday.

xo
Sarah

Anonymous said...

Oh, my sweet friend. I cannot begin to understand how you feel but I know the loneliness and heartache of loss beyond what I sometimes thought I could take No great words of wisdome other than.... Keep fighting (even if it is a boxing match with air and yourself).....keep going forward...keep living your life with Ryan....keep doing those wonderful things that will keep Kenzie in our hearts and lives....don't give up and above all, know that we all love you and your Heavenly Father is mindful of you. I will Pray for you and Ryan as you make hard decisions about your lives and what to do and where to go from here. I know it is hard to understand why sometimes but....just a small measure of understanding and love from someone who cares for you, Ryan, and Kenzie. Love you Aunt Mary

Daniel.Sarah.Allysea.Kennadi said...

Oh Kendra, this post totally reminded me of the day I came to your house, I opended your bedroom door and you were once again in your tee shirt and under roos jumping on your bed and singing on the top of your lungs, to the music loadly playing!! OH GOOD TIMES! Love ya like a fat kid loves cake! :)

Anonymous said...

Kendra, I came across your blog a few days ago. What I read changed my life.

Kendra, every day I feel I'm not good enough, I'm not doing enough, I am inadequate in every way. Here's the only advice I have for you.

Tell yourself daily: I am enough. I have enough. I do enough.

I know you will struggle with the have enough- but to me- have enough means I have the love of Jesus to fill me up. Period. Without Him, life's not worth the pain and sorrow we all endure:-(

You are a strong- honest- loving woman. I admire you and just really appreciate you sharing your story.

Much love- Julie

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for a while. I'm always inspired by you. Though I don't know you personally, your story and your strength have touched my life in so many ways.

As for the boxing match with yourself: you have to love a man who does his best not to laugh when you know he wants to but has the wisdom to know that now is just not the time. I think it's because he knows you have to fight to get up and face the day. You have to fight to put one foot in front of the other and you have to fight to not let the grief consume you.

I say FIGHT ON sister! On a day that you feel defeated keep fighting. On a day you feel relief, revel in it, enjoy it and embrace it.

And here is another little secret, NO ONE has it together. We all "smile for the camera", so to speak, on the inside...we all have a story. You are amazing, you are strong and you are going to be fine. Just keep fighting! :) (keep on with the blog too...I need your wisdom)

Hugs and best wishes,
Jane

Lauren Graff said...

I love how honest you are. I can totally relate, except I throw things; my husband thinks I am insain, its ok! My advice is to start a gratitude journal. Every night I write three things I am grateful for. It really has changed my attitude and the way that I look at my life. There are so many things that bring us down everyday; this has truely helped me! I think you are such a beautiful and amazing person.

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