Sunday, November 14, 2010

rambling about 2 years ago.

November 13 2008 we got the results.
It was positive.
I jumped up and down.
Ryan was more controlled and mellow.
We were both ecstatic.
We were going to be parents.
I was going to grow big and fat.
We were both convinced it was a boy.
I think about that day 2 years ago. Who we were then to who we are now. Oh how we have changed.
How life is lived and looked at in such a different way.

I want to write a happy uplifting positive post. I want to be one of those people who help others in a powerful way. I want to show people you can go through hard things and come out of it. Still there. Not only do I want to write this kind of post, I so badly want to live it. 
Those positive days do happen more. Those hard days are starting to cease just a little. I feel I'm making progress. But not like I want to. 
I want to dream about my baby being in the amazing place she is.
I want to imagine the day ill get to see her again.
I want to breathe with ease.
I want to Thank God everyday for her life.
I want to smile.
I'm trying, everyday to do this. I am doing things in life that will allow me to really feel this instead of just putting on a happy face for others. I'm really trying to get into this state of mind. I'm doing better with it. Slowly.
But then that wall comes. Out of no where. I hit it. With full force.
I go back to that fragile state. I just miss. I don't want to keep going. I don't want to think positive. I just want to go back. I just want to hold her. How can I just get there. Can I just get out of this body, this frame of mind for a minute to be with her. Those fingers. Please just let me hold those fingers. Please just let me kiss that face.  How can I continue with life, live, and smile with this missing in the back of my head all the time.
I want to give up this need to understand. It will never happen, not now at least.  I will never have a perfect understanding of why our daughter. 

This weekend I was really hit with the reality that I knew was coming but didn't want to admit.
She isn't here anymore.
There are no more new stories to share.
There are no more pictures to take.
There is no more advice to be given.
There is no future to plan. 
I knew this happened. I knew this would happen, I knew it was already happening. But admitting it is another thing. To say to yourself that you have seen every picture there is to see of your daughter and you will never get another again is something I couldn't tell myself until now.
There will soon be no more Kenzie Days, no more leggings, no more new scrapbooks, no more new videos. People will go back to life.
Will they miss her- of course- but they have to keep progressing. I never understood how powerful this 'world crashing around you' could be. I never realized the world really does stop for some. At least you feel like it. Then you wake up and its almost been a year. Almost been a year since you last held your baby.
Its been 2 years since my life changed forever. Somehow I thought those closest to us would keep their life on hold as well. They wouldn't keep going because we weren't. Kinda crazy right?!
Its only because I haven't fully been able to accept this is it.
I tell myself all the time. I no longer beg God to give her back every night, only on occasion. 
I am learning to thank him for the life he gave me. I thank him for giving me almost 5 months with that girl. I thank him for taking care of her now.  But I still have in the back of my head that maybe, just maybe, this isn't it. Maybe he will give her back to me and I wont have to continue without her. There will be some miracle that happens and ill get her back.
Call me crazy. I do. Irrational. Selfish. Yes I am all of those things.
But its just because I adore her so much. Because she changed my life in such a unbelievable way. Because she gave me so much joy and love that I could never have imagined feeling.  It was so good with her. Every minute. Its hard to understand there will never been that pure, no strings attached, innocent kind of love again. I love my Heavenly Father. I know he is watching over me and he is holding me on these really hard days. I know he is keeping my baby happy and pain free. I just want her to.

2 years ago we were just getting started.  Our life was just as we wished. We had so many dreams and plans. We never guessed this is where we would be today.
Those days are long gone. Those naive soon to be parents had no idea what they were getting themselves into.  Not only for the amount of love they would produce in a fraction of a second with one glimpse of this little gooey thing. But for the incredible strength they would have to learn in a short amount of time. 
Those people 2 years ago were so dumb- ha- they definitely didn't get life. They definitely didn't get love. They definitely didn't get heart ache.
Those same 2 people 2 years later are still pretty dumb. Those people have alot more to learn. They have grown quite a bit but there is still so much more growing to do.  And they think they know it all. Boy are they wrong. Just you wait. See what will happen in just 1 more year.

I miss my Makenzie. I miss her beyond words. I wish I could feel peace all the time. I wish I could feel like I did in THIS post every day. That feel is amazing when I feel it. But I just cant feel that all the time. I am human and I have some very raw emotions. I know there will come a day ill feel those emotions more and more. It will be a good day. But right now. Its so not easy. Its so hard. She is still in every single thing I see. She is still in the front of my mind every second. The ache that I carry in my arms is still so incredibly heavy. I want her weight. I want her smell. I want her love. Seeing pictures makes me so happy yet so upset. I just want to reach out. Feel her. Feel that soft delicate skin. I just want so much.
She made my life so un-ordinary, so abnormal. But in such a magical and amazing way.


Alerie said...

Kendra you never fail to amaze me with your post. Whether they are happy and uplifting or sad and full of ache they are SO real and SO honest. That is one thing I love about you. You have every right to feel whatever you want. AND there is no timeline for when you need to feel that peace most of the time. So don't let anyone ever tell you that you should be ok now or moving on. Not saying that people have, but just in case. Everyone grieves so different. I know this next month is not going to be easy as you are going to be thinking about your life at this time last year. Just know that you, Ryan and Makenzie are always in my thoughts and prayers. AND yes God loves you, Ryan and Makenzie and he is taking such good care of her. It will be one special day when she greets you and you will be with her FOREVER!! There is this quote that I have seen that basically says how it feels like forever when we are here on earth until the time that we get to go to heaven to be with our loved ones, but to them and to us once we are there it is like second and like no time was lost at all. I will have to find it. Well this is getting forever long, sorry....much love!!

Alerie said...

oh and I forgot to tell you that you have helped MANY people in a powerful way. You, Ryan and Makenzie all have!! I know you have helped me and I know there are many more out there. The 3 of you are amazingly strong, beautiful people!!

Anonymous said...

That "moving on" is really hard. This whole thing about love, life, the missing, the wishing, the hoping --- it is a process that changes from day to day. I wish so much I could find the right words or do the right thing to make it all go away and make it better for you is a process you have to go through individually. But please know we all love and support you and Ryan. These hard things DO make us stronger - these hard things CHANGE us forever. These hard things REMIND us to never, ever take anyone for granted. I wish.... we didn't have to learn those lessons. I know you are making progress on that long road. I know life will surprise you in the future because life is still good. I pray you find a measure of peace knowing Kenzie loves you still.

I think of Uncle Rich when I hear this Nellie song:

"Just A Dream"
I was thinkin about her (him), thinkin about me.
Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes, yeah; it was only just a dream.
So I travel back, down that road.
Will she (he) come back? No one knows.
I realize, yeah, it was only just a dream.
If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.
If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.
And now they're gone and you wish you could give them everything.

Love you Kendra. Aunt Mary

Emma said...

If you only knew how much you were helping people, how your story, Kenzie's life is touching people and part of that is because you are so honest. You don't ignore those tough days or not write on those days, you probably write on those more-hopefully it is somewhat therapuetic, but it is your honesty that is touching people, letting them know they are NOT crazy, that these feelings, the anger, the frustration are absolutely natural.

I wish for you that you could see and feel how unbelievably selfless you are-that you are in no way selfish as you say-it makes me sad to think you feel that way. Of course you have angry days, sad days, days where you just wish for her back in your arms, what loving mother wouldn't want her baby back?! Please don't look at that as being selfish, you are anything but, you just love and miss your baby...but you let her go despite knowing it would be a lifelong pain-the most selfless act you could have done.

I know the day will come where you and Kenzie are in each others arms again and it will be incredible, but I also know that although our lives on Earth are actually 'quick' comparatively that it doesn't feel like that day to day. Say what you need, do what you need to do each and every day.

Please know that although people, and yourself and Ryan, will move forward, noone will ever "move on" from Kenzie. She has touched people in a way that will never be forgotten, she has changed the world, and is changing it, one person at a time. Love and hugs, Em

Jillian said...

You don't know me, but I came across your blog a while ago and have been hooked ever since. I have cried a lot of tears over your posts. Kenzie is so beautiful! I pray for you and your husband to find peace and comfort. I think I saw you at the movies the other night with your husband. I wanted to run up and give you a big hug, but then I'm pretty sure you would have thought I was a crazy insane stalker :) Just know that you have really touched others' lives with your blog and we are all rooting for you!


Ceeu N Uila said...

My heart goes out to you. I know your pain, although every experience is different. I pray that you find comfort today and everyday that the pain revisits you. It's hard, but just know that we are here for you, and remember it's okay to cry. I know how you must miss her.
When I think of you the word courage comes to mind, because that's what it takes to be the mother of an angel.....
with all my love
JahJahz Mahmee

Candace said...

It is crazy how life can change so quickly. You're so amazing.


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