Drum Roll Please....

The moment you have all been waiting for,
Which I am sure has kept you up late at night,
And probably been on your mind non stop,
What will I be when I grow up!

HA. Okay so this was just a fun little make you smile thing. I know its not that big of deal what I'm going to be. I mean it is to Ryan and I, but I definitely don't expect it to be your tip top concern in life :)
At least I hope not.
I just wanted to get a little fun back into the day and it gives me an excuse to do a crafty project.

Like I said in my last post- growing up I wanted to run a daycare..
That ambition didn't last after I graduated and got into the real world needing real money.
I started school fall semester of 2007. I started out with 1 class a semester then graduated into 2 whole classes a semester! So 3 years later- I am still a long way off from just my ASSOCIATES!
I have hated school- I am not good at learning. I am hands on and learn if I'm in the middle of it.
I also hated school because I never knew what I wanted to get my degree in.
It never motivated me to do well. The only thing that motivated me not to fail was that I was paying for every second I was wasting away in that class room and I hate wasting my time. So if I passed I felt it was worth it.

When Kenzie got sick I turned into a mother doctor/nurse over night. I knew everything they were doing, I knew the lingo, I knew what each test did, I knew what was happening to every part of her body.
It was definitely the mother in me because within weeks being back home and without her, I have pretty much forgotten everything. If I see certain things in pictures ill remember a little but not like I could then.
I thought about being a nurse, being a doctor, being a scientist. Thinking I have a huge connection there and I would be able to help others. Then I looked into the schooling, the things you do, the different areas of the job and never really felt right. I kept thinking what it would be like to tell another mother their child was dieing. It made me sick. I couldn't even say those words.  The people in that profession are incredible. They have a special gift that not many have.  Every person that had to break some bad news to me did it in such a loving and supportive way.  I never felt they were rude, ignorant or that I was just another patient.  They cried with me, they hugged me, they mourned the loss of a beautiful little girl that they grew to love as well.
I might be able to do the empathy part- but I couldn't handle being on the other end of the news because I know what will come after- I know what those parents will feel in a week, a month, a year. They will never understand how much pain they will go through until they do- and I know they will. That is what made me know that isn't my calling. I want to help- I want to help all the time- not just on good days. I don't want to break bad news to a family.

So until a few months ago I had NO idea what my plan in life was. I would stress and stress, cry, wonder, pray. I couldn't understand why I had to stay here, live this life, without my baby. AND why did I have to lose my baby. It wasn't just a random act, she was special, she was chosen, she had a special purpose and I believe it was mainly to help me.
Oh that girl has changed me in so many ways its unreal. Every thought, every action, every emotion, everything is done completely different than it was a few years ago. Before she came into my life- I had no life. Not a productive life anyway. My daughter saved me. I owe her my life for that.

The hardest part of Kenzie being sick was watching her lose everything. I remember watching her the weekend before she went to PCMC and she was laying with Brady on the couch. Brady was huge, kicking his legs, throwing his arms, holding his head up. He was thriving. I looked at my tiny, limp baby and felt sick.  That night I prayed that she was okay. I didn't know why she wasn't kicking her legs, holding her head up, moving, babbling, growing.  The next few days was pure hell watching her lose the ability to breathe.  Then lose the ability to move after being tied down with tubes. Then losing the ability to eat- even with a feeding tube. Watching my daughters body fail was the worst torture I have ever and will ever have to face. Watching her life end. Watching her freedom be taken away.

I want to help.
I want to make a difference. So a few months ago I heard of a profession from a good friend. Her beautiful daughter saw one. It helped her. It gave her more freedom. 
Then it clicked. I didn't even know what this profession really was before I knew this was it.
I researched online, I went to an information class, I met with school counselors, I shadowed.
With everything I read, every class I went to, every form I filled out I couldn't deny the incredible urge to put my life into doing this.

I am going to school to become an Occupational Therapist.
Occupational therapists help patients improve their ability to perform tasks in living and working environments. They work with individuals who suffer from a mentally, physically, developmentally, or emotionally disabling condition. Occupational therapists use treatments to develop, recover, or maintain the daily living and work skills of their patients. The therapist helps clients not only to improve their basic motor functions and reasoning abilities, but also to compensate for permanent loss of function. The goal is to help clients have independent, productive, and satisfying lives.
AKA: Freedom.

The ability to improve ones life in the simplest way makes me want to jump up and down with excitement.
I did everything possible to give Makenzie as much freedom as possible. Trying different positions in the bed, hanging toys in certain ways, holding her hands when she needed help holding onto something, massaging her body to keep the blood flowing and decrease pain. I would have gone to the moon and back to give any little bit of her freedom back. If she could just eat, just breathe, just kick her legs-- anything. I would give up everything.

So dedicating my life it is. And my husband gets to come along for the ride.
Good thing he is sooo supportive and amazing and so excited for me to do this to.
First thing on the agenda---
Putting our house on the market. We want to move closer to school so we can cut down to only 1 vehicle. Which brings me to the next step, selling our prized possession. Ryans best friend. His Truck!
Now if that isn't love, I don't know what is, For him to offer to sell it so we can pay for school!
The shock of our decisions has sunk in and the scared, jittery feeling is gone. Now we just feel this is right. We are excited to embark on the next chapter of our lives and see where it takes us.  Ill be starting school full time this spring. EEEK!!! That's what makes me nervous.
Ryan will be going as well so hopefully we can cross paths every once in a while. 
We keep saying-- only 5ish years and then it will all be done.
And for Ryan being such a wonderful and loving husband--- I promised him his dream! The next house we purchase will have land so he can buy a horse!
(if you don't remember, he thinks he is a cowboy)



Unfortunately NO ONE guessed my future profession right!
But that's okay, I still put all of your names in a hat and drew it with a blind fold on. I promise I didn't cheat.
So the winner of custom magnet stand....

REBECCA NATE!

Thank You everyone for playing!