1 am

i don't want this time to keep moving. i just want to freeze time. i don't want another minute to come. i don't want another day, night, dream to come. i want to stop. stop everything from moving. how can everything keep going when i am not. my heart is not there. my mind cant comprehend whats happening. life has continued. this isn't real. its like the last year has been forgotten. it was put on fast forward and i just floated along for the ride. we experienced every holiday for the first time without you. every holiday. we experienced just about everyday without you. how did that happen. how did almost 365 days come and go and you were not in a single one. that feeling of getting stronger, that feeling of feeling like i can do this. that peace that started to come more often than not. i feel like its gone. its like i woke up and I'm not sure where i am. I'm just sitting here, looking around, running through the past months trying to understand what has really progressed. in the last year i went from having a family, a baby, a future, a happy home to planning a funeral, holding my child as she took her last breath, visiting a grave, sleeping at a grave, crying everyday, feeling a huge void in my heart that cant be even the least bit filled no matter what i do.
how did i walk out of that room, that hospital- get in the car, drive away and wake up the next morning with everything that just happened the night before. how did i do that. how did i wake up every other day. how have i made it through easter, mothers day, fathers day, july 18th, halloween and now thanksgiving?
oh my love i miss you. how has it felt like an eternity that i have felt you yet i sit here in disbelief that its almost been a year. a year. how have i not had you for a year. oh kenzie. how do i go on. how do i live the rest of my life. these moments are the moments i can only take one breath at a time. because. if i think about even 3 minutes from now, i want to just stop breathing. i cant. im just trying to hold on. will i be holding on for forever? do others understand? it hasn't been a year for me.
to the outside world there have been 12 months of sunrises, sunsets, family dinners, new accomplishments, new dreams, new additions...
for us, its still now. its still every second. there is no days, weeks, months or years that you can measure. there are no new things that have come and gone because we are still there. we are still so much in you. your not here. we cant hold you. we cant go home at the end of a hard day and just forget about everything. those things we want to forget is the fact that your not here but the only thing that will help is to be with you. bouncing back and forth, there is no way out. there is no where to run. its everywhere around us.

what would you look like now.
how long would your hair be. im sure you would be walking. would you be running to. how fast would you run. what toys would you like. what food would you enjoy. what would drive me crazy. what would melt my heart. what would we do. what would you say. what would our plans be. what would this last year have been like. who would you be like.

i think about you in everything i do. every choice i make. from what i want to be in life to what i get upset with (ie: milo) i am trying to be a good person. im trying to always do what is right. i want to live to make you proud makenzie. im trying. everyday. im trying to be more like you so i can be with you again. i just cant think of how long its going to take me. i have so much work to do.

i miss you. every inch of me. my whole body aches. i just want to hold you. see you. make sure you are okay. make sure you are happy.

you are mine. 

forever.

makenzie rye.

you are my daughter.

please come hold me tonight. i need you. please oh please, just let me see you in my dreams.
just for a second.