elbows

i was almost done with work- filing a few more things when the only image that came into my mind was her elbows. i couldn't picture them. i couldn't even try to draw them in my mind.

this came out of no where- nothing happened prior to make me think of her-

let alone her elbows.
it was just one of those moments.
i sat there- drifted off to some place-
next thing i knew, someone was at my desk and the tears wouldn't stop coming.
i wish those moments would come more when I'm alone than at work.

hate crumbling in front of other people.
i still had to go to school.
thought about not going and going home to search through pictures

just so i could find an imagine of her elbows.
decided i would just go to class since its math and i need all the help i can get.
my brain didn't do much other than try to picture her elbows.

got home and found these.

i cant stop looking at them. i just stare at every inch of her body.

i don't want to forget.

i want to feel her when i close my eyes- feel her with my hands.

there have been a few times i get so lost in my head that i feel i can actually reach out and touch her. i can feel her arms in my hands. doesn't happen very often but sometimes.

i have to be looking at a picture where i clearly remember touching her.
while searching for elbow pictures i found back pictures. forgot i took those. i did that the day before she passed away. i remember thinking at the time- i just want to look at her back but the nurses had to turn her back over so i hurried and took pictures. taking this picture was a moment i remember hurting extra. i wanted so badly to just pick her up. reach under her arms, holding her in her arm pits- smiling and cooing at her little face. i wanted to just have her rest on my shoulder. i was missing that so much in that moment.

today- i miss it all.

i miss those elbows.