Monday, April 19, 2010

9 months

dear makenzie.
sorry this is a day late. the past few days have been foggy.
i haven't been any type of normal. yesterday was hard.
a very very low day.
i cant express how much i miss you.
i cant stop thinking about you.
the same images over and over.
i want you to know how much i love you...
with everything i am- i miss you.
there is no word to describe this feeling.
its so overwhelming.
consuming.
taking over everything.
more than that is the love i have for you.
everyday.
every minute.
i want you more and more.
i miss holding those hands, those toes, that body.
i pray over and over that your happy.
i pray your in a place full of balloons, warm pools, leggings and tall trees.







i see you in everything.
y0u are my everything.
i have written this before, i have told you this before but the minute i saw you-
you took over me.
you have completely owned me.
you forever will.
i imagine what you would be doing as a 9 month little girl.
i imagine the hair you would have, i imagine the fat rolls you might have grown.
i think about you crawling, sitting, laughing.
these imagines are in my mind every second.
i dream of you.
i dream of your freedom now.
i can only imagine you- smiling and breathing.
free from tubes, free from machines, free from support.
this is the only thing giving me relief.
to know your free.
i cant say it enough-
thank you for giving me your life makenzie rye.
thank you for being my daughter.
thank you for being everything you are.
you have taught me more than i could ever have been taught in a lifetime.
i held you the moment you were born and i held you the moment you left this earth.
your lifetime is my life.
thank you for being every dream i have ever dreamed.
i love you to infinity.
to the moon and back i love you.
smile big.
laugh a lot.
dance everywhere.
you are free now.
missing you more and more.
loving you more and more.
dreaming of you more and more.
happy 9 month birthday!
love- your mom.

11 comments :

The Call's said...

That is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. As always you are in my prayers. I am sorry the past few days have been so low. I will be thinking of you.

Alerie said...

Beautiful!! I could not get through this without tears, like many of your post. Your little girl loves you so much. I am sure that as much as you are thankful for her giving you her life, she is thankful that you gave your life to her. You gave her every inch of your being and you continue to. She has amazing parents!! I am so sorry that it has been so hard lately. You are always in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be. Much love!!

Emma said...

So beautiful! Kendra, your words always bring tears to my eyes, your love so sweet and strong. I hope you know, deep in your core, that Kenzie knows your love for her. She knows you did everything for her every moment of her life here on Earth and still to this day. I know that knowing she is free, healthy and so happy isn't consolation for wanting your girl in your arms, but know she is all those things.

I am so sorry these past days have been so hard, I wish I could take away the pain...but know there are so many of us sharing it with you, praying for you, loving you and Kenzie.

Kenzie in her time here, and still, is teaching so much. She has taught so many people the gift of life, to appreciate life, to appreciate those around us and to cherish every second....she has taught more in 9 months than many learn in so much longer.

Hugs to you and Ryan and I hope you feel her love and comfort to ease the days....love Em

Norman & Trynitee Peat said...

Kendra you don't know me but I follow up on your blog often to see how you are doing. I thought about you all day Sunday and prayed for you and Ryan. I pray to Jesus all the time to take special care of your little Makenzie and to make sure she knows how much her mommy and daddy love her.

You and Makenzie have made me a better mother to my little girl just shy of 9 months old. You both have taught me so much and I thank you.

I will continue to keep your family in my prayers and I know that Makenzie is a happy, healthy little girl smiling down on her mommy for everything she has done for her and continues to do for her.

Much love

Jessica and Reecey said...

Happy 9 months Kenzie! You have touched so many lives little girl. Kendra, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You are amazingly strong, and I admire you so much.

brigette said...

Kendra... I'm so sorry your having such a hard time!! Just remember its normal and you'll have many ups and downs!! Todays also a down day for me. You ever heard that song "sunny days seem to hurt the most, wear the pain like a heavy coat the only thing that brings me hope is ill see u again someday." I cried thinking of kael and kenzie up in heaven together. Having to bury a baby really sucks!! I'm sorry u have to go through this. Sending hugs and prayers to u and ryan! Happy 9th month kenzie!

debbie said...

Thinking of you and Kenzie and praying for you every day. Kenzie is so beautiful!

Shanna said...

Kendra,

Thinking of you. i am so sorry you are having a rough time. i too can relate. If you need anything let me know. i am serious!

Shanna

chelsieaw said...

Kendra,

Beautifuuly said. You say the things I think so often but not brave enough to say let alone write. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. Happy 9 month Birthday sweet angel. You are so lucky to have such a wonderful mother who truly knows what true love means.

Much love, Chels

kmk said...

What an amazing person you are. You dont know me, I have been reading your blog for hours now and can not describe the pain I feel for you, even though we have never met. I have not stopped sobbing for 3 hours since I started reading your amazing blog and just wanted to comment. Your baby girl is the most beautiful baby ever, I can tell through your words what an amazing mama you were and still are. Even though I dont know you I know what it feels like to be a mom and really I wish I could take even a little bit of the pain away for you. You will forever be blessed for this horrible trial you are enduring and I know your baby girl is so thankful for a mama that loves her so very much. Stay strong!

-ana o. said...

Thinking of you. Came across your blog and it brought me to tears. I am praying for the best for you and your husband. I don't know if you know of this blog, but this mom went through something similar. You both have such amazing stories and your both so strong. Keep your chin up and your head out of the water, because God has a plan. There is nothing He doesn't give us we can't handle. Just lean on him.
This is the blog I was referring too. http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
-ana

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