Sunday, April 11, 2010

sleep

sleep = its a love hate relationship.
i'm so exhausted everyday/all day that i wish i could just sleep, however sleep also means my mind wonders and dreams are not controlled.
it also means another day to wake up without her.
its another day closer to that day.

i remember nights on the couch sleeping with her.
she was brand new. she wouldn't sleep between 9 pm and 2 am. she wanted to cry.
i tried to lay on her floor- that was not very comfy for me.
i tried to rock her in the chair but again- not so comfy for me.
so onto the couch we went.
noses together.
arms around each other.
it was bliss.
opening my eyes to see her was amazing.
i loved every second of that.
i imagine her face, i imagine her eyes slowly waking up.
her fingers in her face, her binkie in her mouth, slowly breathing in and out.
i would trace her face with my finger.
i tried to soak in every inch of her.
i tried to memorize how she breathed.
perfection.

in the mornings after ryan went to work- those mornings where i just needed a little extra sleep- i would pull her out of her crib and bring her in my bed.
the best mornings were the ones we wouldn't fully wake up until the sun starting shinning on us through the window. it would warm us up and get us going.
we seemed to always wake up together.

wishing today that i could curl up behind her.

sleeping with her: I miss waking up with my little girl sleeping next to me. I want to roll over and pull her into me, spooning her growing body. I yearn to cup her feet in my hand, feeling her toes wiggle at her dreams.

night time dreams are maddening. she isn't in them.
day time dreams are full of her. only her. sometimes ryan or harley or family or friends but usually just her. usually its just her face. imagining what she is doing. imagining past days.

confession: i curled up in her crib the other night. no i never did that when she was here. i guess i just wanted to feel close to something that was just hers- that no one else touched.
i miss going in there, i miss seeing her little body in that bed, i miss good sleep.
i haven't had good sleep in months- since at lease December 13th.

8 comments :

AJ and Cindy said...

thinking of you...I hope you can get some peace, I wish there was something I could do...I hope you know I look up to you

starnes family said...

Always praying......hang in there.

The Call's said...

You guys are in my prayers and I think of you everyday!

chelsieaw said...

Kendra,

I understand the comment nighttime dreams are maddening she isn't in them. I feel that way so often myself and when I do get a dream of him and I usually find myself waking up through the night mad because I just want to go back, back to the dream where I can see him and touch him.
Prayers coming your way.
Hang in there sweetie.

Much Love, Chels

Emma said...

I will be sending you peaceful sleep vibes every night! I hope you know that Kenzie is lying with you every night, her head is beside yours on your pillow, she is snuggled up to you....I wish you could physically feel her, I wish that more than anything, but know she is with you! Hugs, Em

~ Blissfully Livin' on Love ~ said...

You make me appreciate my daughter so much more then I think I ever would have if I had not been introduced to your inspirational blog. I want you to know that your daughter has touched so many of our lives and you have made so many of us woman better mothers. I wish so badly you didn't have to experience this loss. You are truly an amazing woman! I will continue to pray for you, ryan and my children and I will send her a balloon full of kisses and hugs! We love you all.

Alerie said...

Kendra I am so sorry. I wish you were getting more peaceful, restful sleep and I wish there was something I could do. Just know she is always with you, wherever you go....she is ALWAYS there. She is probably sitting right with you when you are at your desk at work and school and she is in your car with you and sleeping right there with you and ryan. She is your little guardian angel. I know this is not as good as having her here and I know that it does not take away your pain, but I pray that it gives you some comfort knowing you have the most beautiful, special little guardian angel. She loves you and Ryan so much!! I will pray that you are able to start sleeping a little better and that you are able to feel her and dream about her at night. Much love!!

Tara Hickman said...

call me a blog stalker! I guess that's what I am. I came across your blog one day and had to read through everything. I was a mess, but just kept reading on. My son was born on July 23, 2009. I cannot even imagine or begin to relate what you are going through, but I am so sorry. You and your family have been in my prayers everyday since, and I just hope they help. You are an amazing mother and your sweet little girl is so thankful for that. She is with you in spirit all the time. I just wish there was something I could say that would help... all I can say is that you have completely inspired me to be a better mom and to be thankful for my blessings. I hope the days get easier for you.

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