Thursday, April 1, 2010

elbows

i was almost done with work- filing a few more things when the only image that came into my mind was her elbows. i couldn't picture them. i couldn't even try to draw them in my mind.
this came out of no where- nothing happened prior to make me think of her-
let alone her elbows.
it was just one of those moments.
i sat there- drifted off to some place-
next thing i knew, someone was at my desk and the tears wouldn't stop coming.
i wish those moments would come more when I'm alone than at work.
hate crumbling in front of other people.
i still had to go to school.
thought about not going and going home to search through pictures
just so i could find an imagine of her elbows.
decided i would just go to class since its math and i need all the help i can get.
my brain didn't do much other than try to picture her elbows.
got home and found these.


i cant stop looking at them. i just stare at every inch of her body.
i don't want to forget.
i want to feel her when i close my eyes- feel her with my hands.
there have been a few times i get so lost in my head that i feel i can actually reach out and touch her. i can feel her arms in my hands. doesn't happen very often but sometimes.
i have to be looking at a picture where i clearly remember touching her.
while searching for elbow pictures i found back pictures. forgot i took those. i did that the day before she passed away. i remember thinking at the time- i just want to look at her back but the nurses had to turn her back over so i hurried and took pictures. taking this picture was a moment i remember hurting extra. i wanted so badly to just pick her up. reach under her arms, holding her in her arm pits- smiling and cooing at her little face. i wanted to just have her rest on my shoulder. i was missing that so much in that moment.
today- i miss it all.
i miss those elbows.

11 comments :

TMI Tara said...

I wish you didn't have to experience those waves of grief when you were alone too. I wish you didn't have to experience at all. My heart has been aching for you more than usual the past few days. I guess it was seeing you with Chloe and how much happiness you brought each other. You have a very special way about you and are such an amazing mother, Kendra. Makenzie is SO lucky to get to be with you forever.

{{HUGS}}

TroskeFamily said...

Kendra, Part of me just wants to yell "Its not fair dammit!" But I know it doesn't help you. I can't even imagine your pain.You and Ryan are the bravest people I've never met.I'm sure Makenzie is so proud of her momma. Love, Genevieve

brigette said...

Oh how this hurts... I know how you are feeling it sucks and its not fair. I feel so guilty that I didnt take pics of the simple things like you thought to do. You are so smart!! You really are amazing. We are having Kaels birthday party on April 12th from 6-9 thats his real birthday. It is at 6030 prarie view drive, Taylorsville ut, 84118... If you can make it thatd be great and if not its to hard I completely understand. Thinking of you especially today... Im so sorry! Email me if you have any questions or write on my blog you have the blog address my email is brigey66@hotmail.com

debbie said...

What a gorgeous back! And beautiful elbows! Kenzie has helped me feel so much love through you sharing her on your blog. Praying for you every day.

Alerie said...

I am so sorry that you have to go through this Kendra and that you have these moments that hit you out of nowhere. My heart aches for you. I really wish more than anything that there was something I could do and some way I could take all of your pain away. Just know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

I love that you took all of these pics of her. You are an AMAZING mommy!! Makenzie was so blessed to be sent to such amazing parents.

Makenzie is SO beautiful....EVERY inch of her!!!!

Much love!!

Cox Family said...

Kendra,

Today I will send a few extra prayers your way! I am sure many others are doing the same thing.

♥ Alyse

Emma said...

I'm so sorry you have to feel this way, ever. I am so glad you thought to take so many pictures, especially of things most of us wouldn't even think of. You are such a great Mom and I hope while you were looking at the pics you felt Kenzie wrap you in her arms and fill you with her love. Hugs, Em

Tisha and Mark said...

I have been reading your blog for months, I still have never met you or your family and I thought, one day, I would forget your blog address or stop reading. Nope. Still here, almost daily. I recently moved back to Utah from AZ and was entrusted with the "stay @ home mom" duty that I have never had. Because of your blog, I appreciate little things in my almost two year old daughter, that I think would go unnoticed otherwise. Thanks for blogging.

Jenni said...

My thoughts are with you. Love you!

Candace said...

Beautiful baby!

The House that James Built said...

love her elbows friend. they are utterly perfect. love you. see you soon. :)

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