Thursday, April 8, 2010

his pain to


i wish she was here.
i wish you could still hold her.
i wish you still had your hunting buddy.
she loves you more than you could ever understand.
she adored everything about you,
even the smelly parts,
even your scratchy face.
remember the first time she laughed-
it was at you,
when you tripped on the ottoman.
I'm sorry.
i wish i could take this pain from you.
i wish i could be the one holding you more than you having to hold me.
i cant ever express how much love i have for you.
you gave her to me.
thank you for letting me hold her so much in the hospital,
thank you for making sure everything was taken care of at home
so i could be there all the time,
thank you for letting me take control over her every need or want,
thank you for letting me be her mom,
thank you for being her dad,
the best dad- you did everything for that little girl.
thank you for putting your everything into our family.
i wish i could put my thoughts into better words.
babe- I'm just sorry.
i ache for your empty arms.
i ache for your tears.
i ache for your broken heart.
we held each other last night,
a hard night.
one of the hardest nights.
i think we get to a point where there is a little peace.
we are not so mad or so sad all the time
and we find moments where we are "okay"
those times come in waves
the last week. we have had trouble finding those times.
this big ugly thing called jealousy has now come into the picture.
the anger is still there and is growing.
its become overwhelming.
its exhausting.
its draining.
we are trying to turn away and fight it off but
somehow it finds its way back.
we see someone laughing,
we see a little girl,
we see the sun,
we see anything that reminds us of her
which is everything.
i feel guilty.
we feel guilty.
never in a million years would we wish someone else had this pain instead.
we just wish she was here. in our arms. with us again.
we would do anything.
the missing is so great.

13 comments :

brigette said...

Im so sorry. I know I say it alot but I truely am... Its not fair I agree. I wish there was something I could do but knowing your situation I know there is nothing. Nothing takes that raw pain away... If you need to talk, vent.. you know where. I know were strangers but we have somthing in common most people dont. Sending hugs and praying for you guys!!

derek, allie, emma , & bradyn said...

here you are being my rock right now.
and i need to always keep trying to be yours.

oh how much my heart aches for yours.
oh how lucky i feel to call you my best friend.
and oh how much I love you kendra!

you are an amazing women. wife. mother. person. friend. daughter.

Alerie said...

Ryan and Kendra I am so sorry. I can't imagine the pain and emotions you are having. My heart aches for you. I really wish there was something I could do. Just know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I care so much about your sweet family even though we have never met. Sending lots of love and hugs your way!!

Alerie said...

p.s. - i am always here for you if you need anything!! ANYTHING!! i really do mean that. much love!!

TMI Tara said...

I am so sorry for you, but glad you have each other and are really there for each other. {{HUGS}}

Amie said...

Kendra...you are so awesome! There are not many couples that would be able to get through the pain of losing a child. How amazing you are to stop and think of Ryan's feelings-so many times I think everyone is so concerned with how us women are-they don't stop to think about the men. I pray that BOTH of you will remain strong and comtinue to put each other first--You both must be wonderful people-thanks so much for sharing this blog with all of us-

Mike and Jenna said...

Kendra you are amazing! This breaks my heart for you and Ryan. You can just tell my looking at what a great daddy he is!!! And of course you are an outstanding mommy.. Its so not fair,not fair at all.. And nobody could ever blame you for being angry or jealous. I feel those emotions for you,so I can only imagine how hard they are for you to try and overcome. Like others said, you two are one amazing couple! TRUE LOVE is what you two share. There are no other words but im sorry and i pray for you constantly and we LOVE YOU GUYS!! Thankyou for being you! xoxoxo

Emma said...

Kendra,
You are an amazing Mother and Wife. In the midst of our own pain it is often hard to remember that others have their own as well. I know you wish you could be Ryan's rock more often, but you are, even when you don't know it. He sees you putting one foot in front of the other, still smiling and laughing in the middle of the pain and that helps I'm sure. Let him wrap you in his arms, as that helps him too-to know you will always love him, that you thank him for the incredible gift of Kenzie will mean the world to him. Losing a child is obviously the worst pain ever,but worrying about losing your marriage on top would be horrible...and you showing him your love and letting him know even though you might have tough days with pain, with anger (even at him sometimes) allows him to know your love runs deep and will continue to be there.

Ryan, I am so, so sorry. As a Daddy's girl myself I know the bond is special, but I also know it transcends this life. Kenzie will always be "your little girl" and I know that is no consolation to wanting to have her with you, to hold her and see her grow but she IS with you, always. She lays with you when you go to bed, she goes with you to work and those times you feel a sense of peace, that is her wrapping you in her love. I may not know you but I see the love for your daughter, and it is awesome! I also know you love Kendra so much, and I thank you for being such a wonderful, loving husband. I can't imagine how hard it is to see your wife in so much pain and not be able to 'fix it' as men want to...while also dealing with the pain yourself. Please know you are NOT forgotten. I often think of you, pray for you and send you strength....you are such a special man in a situation no man should have to be in-but your love for your family shines through!

THe best gift you can give Kenzie, and eachother, is to be there for one another (just as you are). To allow one another to have those hard days, to yell, to cry, to be angry, sad but also happy-to remember Kenzie, to remember how much she loved you both, loved life, smiled when you smiled and loved your laugh. She is with you, although not in your arms as we all wish, but she is with you...always.

I may not know you, but I love you...and I am so glad you have one another and family and such amazing friends by your side.
Love and hugs and strength, Em

Melanie Parker said...

I am so sorry you both have so much pain. I cannot imagine. I am glad you and Ryan have each other. And that you are both there for each other. You write so well, I love to read your posts. I think I have said it before, but you guys are amazingly wonderful. Sending hugs and prayers.

Lisa F said...

This is beautiful!
I hadn't read it yet when you talked about it.
Thank you Kendra.

Jenni said...

Hugs for you and Ryan. This has been so hard. I'm so glad you have each other. If any good could possibly come from all of this, it might be knowing that in life, the two of you can conquer any obstacle that comes your way...together. Not a lot of couples can say that these days. I'm so glad you and Ryan are a rock for one another. You two are the only ones who can possibly know exactly how each other are thinking and feeling. I'm very happy for you for that. You two are amazing people!!!

wanda said...

What an inspiration you are. An outstanding example of strength, love, passion...just living life, even in your grief. Thank you for being so transparent to people you don't even know. I don't know you, but you have helped me to truly realize just how blessed I am. I wish I could do that for someone. Thank you! I hope that you can heal, someday. One day at a time, I'm sure. What a comfort, knowing that this isn't the end. I pray for peace and comfort for all of you. Take care!

crissy said...

As I read this post I thought about my little girl and my husband. I imagined us going through what you are, and the tears started flowing.
I'm sorry for your loss. I wish I could give you a hug, take your pain away.

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