Tuesday, April 13, 2010

4 months

4 months without that smile.
4 months without those eyes.
4 months without her.
missing is not a sufficient word.
there are no words.
since i woke today, life is foggy.
my eyes haven't been able to focus,
my mind isn't clear,
i feel my heart is just a puddle of mush,
I keep telling myself- breathe kendra, breathe.
makenzie turned 4 months old
...in a hospital bed
...at primary childrens medical center
...on oxygen.
she was the question mark baby of the 3rd floor.
she wasn't in the picu yet.
she couldn't breath on her 4 month birthday.
oxygen didn't really help.
tests were being done all day.
blood was being drawn all day.
she wouldn't eat.
she was losing weight.
she was hurting.
her 4 month birthday was uneventful.
i wish i would have known that was her last birthday.
i would have done something special.
i wish i would have bought her a balloon.
i cant believe its been 4 months.
I'm replaying the same song over and over in my head,
sometimes it gives me comfort,
not so much today.
i changed it a little...
Little girl, hospital bed
The room is filled with people she loves
And she whispers don't cry for me
I'll see you all someday
She looks up and says "I can see God's face."
This is my temporary Home
It's not where I belong Windows and rooms
that I'm passin' through
This was just a stop,
on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know this was
My temporary home.
This is our temporary home

7 comments :

The Call's said...

Kendra.. I am sure today is going to be so hard. Please know you and Kenzie are helping so many people you are such inspirations. I will be thinking of you and praying for you today!

Lexi

Alerie said...

Kendra I am sorry you have to go through this. I wish no one had to go through this. I hope you don't regret anything that you didn't do on Kenzie's 4 month birthday (even though that is human), because even though she LOVED balloons, she LOVED you more and you were there with her ALL day long right by her side while she had to go through all those test. I am sure that is ALL she WANTED. You and Ryan were her WHOLE life her WHOLE world, she LOVED you both MORE than ANYTHING in this world and so I am sure that day was EVERYTHING she wanted it to be. I will be thinking and praying for you and Ryan all day. I wish I could just give you a BIG hug today!! Much love!!

brigette said...

Im sorry Kendra!! Days like today are so hard!! Wishing you didnt have to go through this. I thought of you guys often yesteday at Kaels celebration. We let 75 balloons go. I tried to picture Kael and Kenzie catching them and playing with them in heaven. Sending lots of hugs today!!

Jessica and Reecey said...

Thinking of you today

FROGGITY! said...

saying prayers for you and thinking of you. i know it must be hard... but you're not alone!

Jenni said...

My thoughts are with you today. I love that song. I will forever think of Kenzie now when I hear it on the radio. *Hugs*

Emma said...

Kendra,
Don't ever question what you 'didn't do', remember what you did do-everything you could possibly do to make her comfortable, to be with her, to show her how special and loved she is!!
I am so sorry you are having to live this, to live this time here without her in your arms...I wish that could be different, but I hope tomorrow is more of a peaceful day, a clearer day and one you feel Kenzie's love as much as she always feels yours! Hugs, Em

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