Monday, March 29, 2010

this post--- doesnt really make sense.

i just need to write.
no reason- no goal- no point.

oh life.
this crazy life we all lead.
do you ever sit back and just wonder
why oh why God?
what is the point?
why is it so hard?
why cant you stop some of this pain?
how do you choose?
why cant i see good?
why cant i get past myself and thank you for what you gave me?
some sweet ladies from the well known church came over to visit me yesterday.
**side note:
you know, after everything i don't do for them and through my cold shoulder, they still come around and give me hugs. they are tooo good & i love them.
anyway-
they asked me a question that i have thought about briefly before but never gave much thought to. they asked something along the lines of do i feel i have grown through this experience.
hmmm....
i told them I'm grateful for the friends i have meet,
for feeling a bit stronger
but to be honest, i just cant admit something good or positive has come from the death of my daughter. at least not yet.
i feel guilty even thinking that- something positive coming from her not being here.
when i was the person on the outside looking in at others in similar situations i used to say,
"be happy, they would want that"
I'm on the other side now and i don't like when people tell me that. i don't feel its okay to be happy.
should i?
i guess- i cant cry my life away but i feel that if I'm happy its like I'm not remembering that makenzie is gone and that life is okay without her. which its not.
through the rest of yesterday, last night and today i kept thinking about this.
im trying to grow- even if i dont want to-
im trying to become a better person-
i realized some things that i never realized until now-

i realized when i pray i don't thank God for anything because i feel if i tell him I'm grateful for anything in life i have to be grateful for everything- even him taking makenzie.
i thought about how i want to pray but every time i pray i get confused, i start out praying to god- then talking and crying to kenzie- then asking other angels for help in taking care of kenzie- then yelling at god- then back to talking to kenzie- then to god- then kenzie- then god- then kenzie- then i just stop.

i think about the mother i was to makenzie, i think about being a mother to someone else and feel extreme guilt. not only because of kenzie but for that child. i worry i could never love them even half as much as i love makenzie. i worry god doesn't intend for me to be a earthly mother so if i have another child he will take them away to.

you would think after losing the absolute worst thing anything could lose i wouldn't be so scared to lose anything else- I'm the opposite. I'm so incredibly afraid of everything because now i fully know i CAN lose it all and how fast it can all be gone.

oh my mind has been racing the past 24 hours.
I'm trying to make sense of this all. I'm trying to understand more.
I'm learning to pray better.
I'm learning to listen better.
one thing i feel now, more than i have before, but not with absolute certainty-
God is real.
Makenzie is in heaven.
Her wings are beautiful.
She is glowing.
She is being loved.
She is happy.
I hate feelings she is in a dark place. I cant feel that anymore.
I need to keep those thoughts out.
I need to keep her smiling face alive.
Oh how beautiful she is.

14 comments :

Teri said...

I blog hopped to your blog today for the second time. I am pretty sure it was from different places both times. The last time I saw your blog I balled my eyes out. I promised myself I would stop blog hopping because I was finding too much sadness. I have thought about you and your husband, and baby girl atleast 100 times, and even though I don't even know you, I have prayed for you and your family ateast 100 times. I didn't feel the need to comment until I read a post a couple down about someone commenting on your blog and you were clearing things up.
I hate it when people come across something and they feel the need to comment, if it isn't in line with the authors thinking. Maybe they should just not blog hop and remember that not everyone cares what they think.
You are beautiful! Your family is beautiful and that little girl waiting up in heaven for you is the most beautiful little baby I have ever seen. I am so sorry for your loss, I hope that as you grieve and keep breathing every day, you know that there are sooo many people out there that are praying for all of you. You are strong and courageous and I am so sorry you have had to suffer this kind of hardship, and I pray that you can feel the warmth of your little baby girl smiling down on you, proud that you are her mommy. Your family will forever be in my thoughts and prayers

Emma said...

Kendra,
I am so, so glad you have found peace knowing Kenzie is in Heaven, in good hands...she is, she is the most beautiful angel!

As for feeling guilty feeling happy....I wish all of 'us' telling you it is okay would make it easier, and I know it doesn't but we can try! :-) You having happy times, laughing and feeling good has NOTHING to do with not missing your sweet girl, wanting her with you etc. The two, missing Kenzie and still feeling happy are seperate feelings...you can still have happy time, even while still wanting nothing more than her to be with you. Please don't feel guilty, I know, easier said than done, but I have no doubt that one of the things Kenzie loves the most is seeing her Mommy and Daddy smile!

As for thinking of other children, even without losing a child I think every mother worries she won't have enough love for another child, but it is crazy how false that is. Your love for Kenzie, your love of being a Mom, and knowing what that love means will only make you love even stronger-for Kenzie and a new child. One doesn't take place of another, they both grow even more....but that will come when you are ready, and noone will ever know when that is other than you and Ryan.

I think the way you are praying is perfect. God knows your heart, He hears what you say and what you can't put into words....so don't ever doubt youself!

As for not seeing the 'good', of course you don't see the good in not having your daughter here with you...but I do know you see the she has brought, even in her death. The love in others, the love she brought out in so many, the way she has brought out the good in so many people....although you would trade any of that for her, you still see it-so I think you do see the good, it just doesn't outweigh you wanting her in your arms-but I don't think that will ever change, again, seperate thoughts-you can see the good but still want to trade that in for her to be here....very normal feelings!

I think maybe the key in answering about feeling happy and seeing the good that has come, is you being able to distinguish that seeing/feeling those things doesn't mean you don't miss Kenzie or wouldn't trade them to have her back-of course you would, she is your precious baby girl.

Anyway, I have babbled long enough, but thinking of you and sending you hugs and love today and always, Em

Marti said...

I think wondering if you have enough love in your heart for another child is a feeling most mothers experience. We absolutely cannot imagine being able to love another like the one(s) we have. But somehow it happens. :-)

The Pachuilo Family said...

Kendra,
Thank you for sharing your feelings. You always know how to say things just right. There hasn't been a post that I don't think about you and pray for you.
I am very proud of you, your amazing. You are learning and becoming strong. Even though it doesn't feel like you are.
You inspire me every day and I want to THANK YOU! You make me realize things I use to take for granted. You make me want to be a better person.
Prayer is such a powerful thing, and even if you go back and forth, your still talking with God, and that's great. He is there Kendra with open arms, he wants to hold and embrace you. His heart aches for you too. He loves you!
Your feelings are your feelings! I am so glad that you share them with us, you teach us more than you know. THANK YOU!!!!!!!

Stacey said...

Kendra,

My heart goes out to you. I know a bit of how you're feeling. I haven't lost my child and can't imagine losing him, but I did lose my brother in a very tragic manner and had a lot of the feelings you described. I remember not feeling like I could go on after someone who was so beautiful left the earth. I remember going back and forth about believing in any kind of higher power, let alone a God. I struggled with how a God could let his children suffer so much when I would never let my own child suffer the way he let me suffer, if it was in my power. Even still when people ask me what I've learned from my brother's death I feel guilty when I respond with what I have learned because I would trade ALL of it if I could have him back on this earth with us.

I think the only thing that helps your heart not ache and feel like it's being stabbed is time. It's been almost 2.5 years since that tragic day for me and I still feel an ache in my heart when I hear his name or when I wish I could call him to say hi. I'll always wonder what I could've done differently to change anything; but sometimes there just isn't anything anyone can do. Sometimes life just sucks and we just have to pick up the pieces and somehow move on.

I'm praying for you and hope that you can find peace consistently in whatever way that is. It comes and goes and I so know how that feels. But somehow the times of complete heartache start to not feel as sharp.

{hugs}
Stacey

Tristan said...

You are so hard on yourself. Even a mom who has lost her child in this life deserves a little happiness!

Also, not that my 2 cents really matters but coming from a mom who has two kids, I even wondered if having a second child was fair to my first. I wondered if there really was enough room in my heart for more love. I couldn't imagine it because I loved my first so much but it is amazing how the Lord blesses a mother with more love for both kids when the time is right.

I am so glad that we had our second child. My son adores his little sister and they are the cutest little friends. Kenzie is probably in heaven playing with her future siblings right now and adoring them too. She's probably telling them about how great their mom and dad is. She would never want to deny your other kids the opportunity to experience earth life just because she is not here right now.

After this life you can all be together again forever: you, Ryan, Kenzie and whoever else the Lord blesses your family with. Don't you think Kenzie would have wanted a brother or sister eventually if she was still here? You can still give her that, a family with brothers and sisters in the life to come. It will be a blessing to her in the eternities as well as to you and your husband.

This is maybe just a different way of looking at it. That continuing your family would be a gift to Kenzie instead of something that is negative moving you forward in your life without her. Not that you have to try for a another baby any time soon but just something to think about. I hope I didn't offend you in giving you my opinion. After all, I know I am an outsider looking in. I just think you are too great of a mother and to young to give up on your family now! :)

When that day finally does come for you to have more kids, you will have a special appreciation for that baby beyond love that the average mother will never get to experience in this life because of all you have been through. You will see your growth for sure by then if you haven't already and you will recognize the hand of God in your life. Blessing you with your own tender mercies along the way!

Tina said...

I have commented on a previous post before and I again am going to say that I am not in the same situation as you, but what you are typing, takes me back to the time when I was grieving after my sweet boyfriend was taken from this earth. All those feelings, the way you pray, your thoughts... you put them into words so perfectly. I felt the way you do. I feel like it is all the grief. Just keep feeling, even though the sadness sucks, you should feel it. No need to force yourself to be happy, but when you do feel happy and want to laugh and smile, it is ok to. You are loved, I know I do not know you, but when I read your blog I have a love for you! keep writing, keep feeling, and you are allowed to feel whatever you are feeling... don't let anyone tell you other wise.

Barry and Jeanni said...

I just read your post- I haven't read the posts above and surely hope I am not repeating anything. But I want to make sure you are certain about a few things:
1. One thing I KNOW you learned from Kenz is how to love- unconditionally!!! Do yo remember worrying that you wouldn't be able to love your baby as much as you loved your dog? Well- look at you! You love Kenz with every inch of your being! I also want you to know that your being will be able and willing to fully love another child. I worried about this same thing when my second came along and quite frankly for the first few weeks my second was alive felt guilty for loving my second as much as I loved my first. But we can and we do. Heavenly Father created us in His own image! Just imagine the amount of love you have to give when you think of it that way.
I want you to know you have a loving Heavenly Father- who knows you personally- he knows and feels your heartache, and he can take that away from you. Ask him- in perfect faith and I know he will help you! He hears your prayers- wether they are spoken directly to him or to Kenz.
I wish I could step into your shoes- if for but a short time- to take away the pain and hurt you feel.
Don't give up- as Gladys would say- keep on- keeping on! Know that you have many shoulders to cry on and bodies to lean on :)

brigette said...

You are amazing!! I totally understand the fear of another child after loosing a child... My whole pregnancy with landon was full of fear and wonder of him also being sick like kael and having to go through alll that hell again... I still have that fear even though he's here and healthy so far I do know though that having him has been good and bad but the good far out wieghs the bad the hardest part is I compare where landon is now vs. Where kael never got to. It puts me back some days but the best part is that when landon smiles and laughs I also see kael and it helps me remember. I swear he looks up to the ceiling and smiles and I can't help but wonder if he's seeing his brother. You are an amazing mom and wife and I know that you and ryan will make the right decision for u guys when your ready. I often find myslef asking god the same questions. Why did he take our babies, why us? How is this fair... I'm still trying to figure it out and some days are easier then others but I find hope in you and your amazing words. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Sending hugs!

Brian and Rebecca Nate said...

I can promise you that if you have another child that you will love them just as much as you loved Kenzie, it will just be different. Your children are so different even though they're kind of the same. We waited 5 years after the death of our son to have our daughter. It wasn't really by choice, it's just how it happened. I know now that I needed all 5 of those years to heal from losing him. I wanted another baby so badly to fill my empty arms, but it just didn't happen. I'm glad for that time I had to heal and learn. Then another 5 years later we were blessed with our other son.
The difference is that my little man that died didn't have any genetic disease. He just wasn't meant to live on this earth. Who knows why?
You will know what you should do. Keep praying. God knows your angry and want answers. He also loves you and will comfort you when you need Him the most. God is real and Makenzie IS in heaven and she is happy. She is a beautiful, perfect being. Keep going, one foot in front of the other.

Gaspegirl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gaspegirl said...

Dear sweet Kendra,

I am compelled to respond to this post ... I read every day but never quite know what to say to you. I am in no better position today and yet here I am ... a blubbering idiot trying to reach out to a fellow Mom.

Kendra, I wanted you to know a couple of things. First and foremost I wanted to share my experience with you. I wanted to let you know that those feelings of doubt regarding having another child happens to most of us. You will question if you could possibly love another child the way you love your first. The truth is that I was scared about sharing my heart with more than one precious angel... but I learned that your don't have to share you heart because your heart magically grows when you are blessed with more than one baby. Your heart grows to make room for the love that you can only feel for a child... a love like no other!

The last thing that I wanted to share with you today was something that happened to me after the loss of my sweet baby girl. I know that it is not the same as your situation ... I never got to hold my baby, never got to name her, never got to see her smile at me and never got to show the world and my sweet baby girl how much I loved her ... but I can assure you that I felt many of the emotions that I read about in your posts. What I wanted to share was that I realized that with time comes clarity. I know that I am so blessed to have loved and lost because it made me a better Mom, Wife and daughter. It made me realize what a true blessing it is to be a Mom. This realization did not happen overnight... time is your friend. I know how dark the world seems right now and I know that eventually you will have moments of joy and with those moments may come guilt but things will get better. Stay open to those who are here to help you... reach out when you can and let God in to help with the rest. Kenzie will always know how much you cared and loved her... you are a great Mom!

(((hugs)))

Marge

Jenni said...

I'm not even quite sure how to respond to that right now Kendra. My heart is so broken for you. All I know is that you are a child of God, and He wants to see you get past this tragedy in your life and find happiness again. He loves you as much (or more) than you love Kenzie. His heart breaks for you with the hurt you are experiencing, but these trials are what perfect us and make us more faithful, stronger people. I believe that we knew the different trials that we were called to experience in this life and that we chose to come anyway. I live every day of my life taking care of my family, with a paralyzed arm and partially paralyzed leg. I had to have a serious brain surgery 8 years ago, which left me paralyzed. As hard as that trial was to go through, especially at 19 years old when I thought no guy would ever want to date me or ever consider marrying me, I have grown so much from it and can now say that I am grateful and better for going through it. I could go on and on, but I won't right now.
I know that my trial is nothing like the loss of a trial, but just as sure as I did find a wonderful man who loves me for everything that I am (he's super cute too! Just a side note ;)), you will someday, I pray, have another sweet baby that you will love with the same great love that you have for Makenzie. I know it's so hard to see that now, but I have faith that it will happen for you someday. You're such an amazing woman. Don't ever forget just how loved you are, not only by God and your baby girl, but your family and friends (even those you haven't met) who are hurting and praying for you. *Loves!*

Jenni said...

I meant to say "the loss of a child", not "trial". I should have proof read BEFORE posting, not after. Sorry. :o)

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails