Monday, March 15, 2010

reality

did you know babies usually grow up?
they usually see 5 months, 6 months, a year?
they learn to hold their head up, sit up, roll over, stand, walk...
why am i still surprised when i see this?
i know its not common to lose your child
its not common to bury your baby
its not common to cry this much- missing your baby
don't ask my why- but i just realized this.
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this blog has been my therapy in many ways but i noticed this past week (being blog-less) this blog has done some bad to. WHAT- i know blog=bad.. unheard of.
but its true.
this past week i had a hard hit of reality.
this blog has kind of made me feel this life I'm living was almost someone else's story
I'm reading their life even though I'm writing the chapters.
after I'm done writing- life becomes foggy-I'm floating through life. until. reality starts to become real again-then i bury myself back into this blog. i never admit this is my life.
this past week made me have to be in this hurt-this pain and not be able to write.
this reality was clear and real-
i screamed to ryan that i wouldn't admit she is really gone. i told him i couldn't and wouldn't continue living life without her.
it was the first time i couldn't do anything else but cry and yell.
there was no blog to bury myself into.
i spent quite a bit of time pleading with God.
everything made me think of her.
i couldn't get away from our reality-our life-our loss.
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i consistently have to remind myself this is real
i keep thinking ill look in the mirror and see someone else because this cant be my life
makenzie cant really be gone
she is just at the babysitters for a really long time and i really need to go pick her up.
maybe I'm on vacation and i just need to get home so i can finally hold her
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i hate the feeling i feel when i realize i have a lifetime to live without her
full blown anxiety punches me in the face
i cant think about it
i cant imagine makenzies boyfriend brady graduating high school,
i cant imagine makenzies cousins getting married and having kids,
i cant imagine the days\months\years that still need to go by before I'm old enough to die myself, hopefully in my sleep and hopefully with ryan passing away right at the same moment with me, and i can finally get to hold her again.
i will never get to hold her again in this life.
you keep hearing-life is to short
i can only think- life is way to long
...
during this trip i kept having these flash backs-
these flashbacks of the day makenzie passed.
march 13 was a day full of looking at the clock and remembering what i was doing 3 months before. that day was peaceful, full of love and totally unknowing of this pain.
all i could think about was getting my daughter out of that pain- i was so tired of seeing that pain in her eyes. it was killing me- i couldn't do anything. i did everything i could but it wasn't enough. 3 months ago i didn't think about anything or anyone other than Makenzie Rye.
i just couldn't ever EVER ever imagine this feeling today.
at the time, i never thought about her really really not being here. in theory i knew but i didn't realize it. i didn't ever admit that, that day was the last day in this life i will hold her, kiss her, hug her, look in her eyes. today- all i hope is that i loved that little girl enough. i have prayed for hours to make sure Makenzie knows how much i love and adore her. i pray she knows i didn't- not for one second- think about me in her pain. i would never have let her go if she wasn't ready. i would have given up anything and everything for her.
i just pray she knows how much i love her.
i just pray she knows how much i need her.
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i love writing in this blog- i will keep writing because it does help me. I'm starting to get help because when i get that realization that this is my life and makenzie is not coming back- my thoughts are not okay. my feelings are to extreme. and i hit some dangerous lows.
i just try to keep praying-
i have to get up and keep going-
whether i want to or not.

19 comments :

TMI Tara said...

Sadly, Kendra, your words make so much sense. As an outsider looking in, I hadn't considered that it could hurt more today than it did three months ago, but your words help me understand. I hurt for you. I wish there were something I could do to help that hurt. I will pray with you and for you.

I'm glad you have the blog. I think it helps more than it hurts, but I'm not an expert.

OF COURSE you loved Kenzie enough and of course she knows it. She loves YOU too! I hope you can feel her and be comforted.

Love you.

The Pachuilo Family said...

Kendra,
Your an amazing woman, and I really appreciate you sharing all this with us. I know that Makenzie KNOWS you love her and always will. You are an amazing Mom to her and always will be.
My prayers go out to you and your family. {{HUGS}}

crissy said...

Makenzie knows you loved her. She knows you will always love her. Keep being strong. My heart breaks to think anyone should have to go through this. But you are still here, and that shows incredible strength. I wish you didn't have to hurt.

Emma said...

I am glad you have this blog, to get those 'dark' feelings out, so you don't have to live with them in the forefront of your mind all the time-you need somewhere to express them, to express the pain because you can't shout it out all the time, when you really need to. I can't imagine how this week was not having somewhere to vent, but I am glad you do again and I hope you find it helps to get through those toughest of days, moments etc.

As for you commenting that you hope she knows how much you love her and that "i would have given up anything and everything for her"...you did, you let her be free from her pain even though it led you to this, such extreme pain. You did that because of your love for her, because you wanted to let her be free of pain, and you were only thinking of her. You are right, you couldn't have imagined the pain, but I know because of your love for her you wouldn't have done it differently. You loved her enough to let her go, the hardest thing in the world any parent can do.

I am so sorry you have to look at your life as such an expanse of time without Kenzie...I wish you didn't have to live without her, and I am so, so sorry. I know you will find joys again, although that is very hard to see right now, but until then I hope you find moments of peace and overwhelming of feelings of love from your sweet baby girl.

Thinking and praying and sending you love and hugs, Em

malory said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry. I wish you didn't have to have this be your reality. You are such a strong, amazing woman. Even when you don't want to, you get up put one foot in front of the other with a big pretty smile on your face. I think getting help will be good for you, I know its helped me through a ton of things in my life. I wish there was something I could do to help ease the pain. Keep on keeping on, Kendra.

Devon said...

I KNOW you loved her enough, Kendra. I know you still do. I can't say how much I admire you and your willingness to go on. I am thinking of you and sending love from here.

Jenni said...

Oh Kendra, this is so hard. No, I couldn't imagine that life could be anywhere near okay when you have to live without your baby in it. I can't imagine how you must feel. I am so glad you are getting some help to cope with all of this. I can't imagine being in your situation and not getting help. I hope and pray that it will help you through this horrible pain you feel daily. You are in my prayers. ***hugs***

Candace said...

Kendra,
You don't know me but a friend showed me your blog. I just wanted to tell you how much I really do admire you. I have found myself in an unplanned pregnancy and have not been as excited as I should be at times. But by reading your blog and others in similar situation I realize how lucky and how I need to enjoy every second I have with my baby boy, because I never know how much time I will get. Thank you for helping me realize this. I pray for you and hope that even as you grieve you can find peace in knowing your gorgeous little girl loves you and I know someday you will get to be with her again... what an exciting day that will be.
With Love, Candace
candace2010.blogspot.com

Andrea said...

Kendra,
I am glad that you are getting some help because I know that Makenzie doesn't want to see you so sad. She is close to you even when you think that she isn't. I can't imagine what you are going through but each time my son wants to give me a kiss or just cuddle my heart aches to see that he is slowly suffering and there is nothing that I can do for him. You are always in my prayers! HUGS!!

Alexis said...

I can't imagine that Makenzie doesn't know how much you love her. She was yours she received that love everyday while she was with you. It is so clear to myself and anyone else reading this blog. I hope you are able to find some help that brings you peace something that works for you. You are such an amazing person. I think you have come a long way in 3 months. I am sure these 3 months have seemed like a life time, but from the outside looking in I don't think it is really long enough at all to be able to deal with your world being gone. I guess I am trying to say your feeling never seem misplaced. It seems nothing but normal that you would have days where you need to remind yourself to breath, days you cry all day. As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Marti said...

Makenzie KNOWS you love her. She knows your heart and your thoughts. I believe she is watching over you every day. The most beautiful angel. I think she also knows how many lives you are touching. Just know that you have SO many people thinking and praying for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

None of us can possibly know or feel just how painful and hurtful the loss of your beautiful little girl is for you. People tell me that years from now it will still hurt. Believe me when I say the missing them never goes away. But I hope the hot, burning, pain will subside a bit someday. You will someday look back and say "I am an awesome mom!!" You will see what a wonderful mother you are to Kenzie (you are still her mother - don't let anyone try to tell you different), what a wonderful father Ryan is, and what a darling little girl you have - she is still your baby girl!! You will marvel at the love you have for Kenzie - it will NEVER end. You DID love her enough and still do. It is that love that will sustain you and help you find your way in life. Keep going honey - don't give up please. Remember, we all love Kenzie and we love you and Ryan, too. Hugs to you { }
Love, Aunt Mary

brigette said...

wow how powerful and brave of you to post your feelings!!! You are an amazing mom I can tell by how happy Kenzi was in her pics and how great you speak of her and your love for her!! Dont give up. You are an amazing person!! Please let me know if I can help even to talk!

Mike and Jenna said...

There are no words, this breaks my heart for you.... We all LOVE you and your little family so so so much.. I am also so proud of you for gettin a litte extra boost in the right direction.. I really hope it helps. I love you so much!! you are always in my prayers. xoxoxoxo

Molly said...

Don't think for a second that she doesn't know how much you love her. Do what you can to work out those low/negative emotions. That is great that you are getting help. Your little girl wants you to be as happy as you can be. She is looking down on you everyday... and I am positive that she wants you to continue to try... continue to heal, and to live your life to the fullest. You are loved lady. Find things that buoy up and cling to them.

Anonymous said...

You know Kendra we all pray for you and wish more good days for you and it is good to have the blog to write to but somewhere along the road of life you have to move forward instead of staying in the same place. It's good you talk to God He is there for you you just have to Listen and heard Him and to let Him comfort you. Makenzie is doing wonderful thins and she knows you love her and will always love her just don't let it be for nothing. Don't blame Ryan he loves is daughter too and he loves you, don't you dare let him go because them you will certainly be lost. Love what you have and in time it will all pass the hurt and the feeling of loneiness. Your trip sounds like you had a moment of peace, let that come more often and feel the peace from your daughter. I like reading what you have to say but sometimes you make me mad, you fail to see the greatness of your daughter and feel only for you, look beyond you and see what she accomplished while here and know she is PATIENCLY waiting for you and knows of your hurt but she loves you and wants you to be happy. The feelings you have will always be around for as long as you live but you learn to go on and enjoy the moments of life here because one day you will be with her and will you be able to tell her you accomplished all you needed to do???? It is hard Kendra but like others like you we move forward with the steadfastness of knowing of God and His great plan, spend time learning of it and you will find the peace you are seeking. I have and it makes things so much easier and knowing the Lord loves me makes it easier to live for the future with my child. Know people pray for you, have learned to love you through your blog and will continue to pray for the peace you need.

Alerie said...

Kendra I am so sorry you have to live this. I wish there was a way for me to make this disappear for you and take away all of your pain. Just know that I pray for you everyday and I think of you often. I am glad you are getting some help, don't be ashamed of it either, you do whatever you have to do to get through this. I think you are doing wonderful and you are still here and waking up each morning....that shows A LOT!! I know it is probably natural to worry about if she knows how much you love her and what not, but I know that she knows she is one of the most loved little girls!! You and Ryan are the best parents she could ask for with so much love to give her. Much love!!

malory said...

I don't understand how someone could post that you fail to see the greatness of your daughter And feel only for you. Sorry to be so blunt but what a dumb thing to say!!! It is SO clear to me that everything you do is for her, you are the most selfless, strongest person I know. Whoever wrote that must not really know you and your heart.

TMI Tara said...

Oh my goodness, Kendra, I just read that comment and I am blown away that someone could think that or say it. What a sad and ignorant thing for someone to think that their experiences and reactions give them the right to tell anyone else how to feel. You lost your daughter, your precious Kenzie. You go ahead and grieve however you do it for however long you need. You are strong and amazing.

I'm glad she said she will no longer comment because who cares what such an ignorant person has to say anyway? I'm disgusted that there are people like this in the world.

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