Monday, March 1, 2010

lump

today is one of those days.
that big lump is even bigger than usual.
that lump in my throat.
that feeling of almost crying every second.
that feeling of needing her.
i keep going in a circle today.
starting out with NO. Please. Makenzie. I Love You. Can't be. Miss. It hurts. I can't do it.
then it eventually gives way to wailing in the bathroom.

today should be a great day.
its been 2 years - 1 month - 1 day since i have seen my little brother.
he comes home today.

instead.....
the last few days i have had this lump.
it grows bigger everyday.
all i can remember is before he left-
he thought i would have a baby while he was gone and i said no way, ill wait until he gets back because i couldn't imagine my baby not having uncle jonathan from the second they were born.
after i found out i was pregnant i was so sad she would be 7 months before he got home
but so excited that he would still see her as a baby.
i emailed weekly about my progress.
he was pretty excited.
kenzie and i talked about uncle jonathan a lot.
i imagined waiting at the airport, holding her.
i imagined jumping up and down because i couldn't wait for him to meet her.

now she isn't here.
he doesn't get to meet her.
he never saw her face.
he never saw how beautiful she really is.
--really, pictures don't do justice--
now ill be standing there at the airport, with nothing.
i wont be able to hand over this mini me.

*just a little background on this boy coming home. his name is jonathan. he is 21. he served an LDS mission. he is my little brother age wise but mentally he is much older than me. he is my best friend. he has been the one who has been through it ALL with me. he know everything about me. he is amazing. he is a hero. he is the best person you will ever meet. i promise. i hated when he left. i need him. i knew this was what he wanted to do and what he felt was right so i supported it. he is so smart. he knows me. he knows my heart. he knows the darkest areas of our life. he loves unconditionally. he-is-just-incredible.

2 years - 1 month - 1 day later.
oh how different life is.
I'm scared to see him.
I'm not sure why.

12 comments :

Alerie said...

Kendra I am so sorry that this should be such a happy day for you to see your brother/best friend after 2 years and that it is nothing like you thought it would be. My heart aches for you so much. I will say a lot of extra prayers for you today and I will think of you all day like always. I hope that you are at least able to feel Makenzie with you during this special time for you and your family. Much love!!

TMI Tara said...

I'm so glad your brother who you are so close with is going to be home. I think he will help you so much, just being around him and getting big hugs from him. I'm happy for you. I know he will soothe your lump, just a little, even if just for a moment. {{HUGS}}

Stacy said...

I agree with TMI Tara. I think he will be able to help you, hug you and just be there for you. You two sound very close, and hopefully Uncle Jonathan will help you cry and eliminate the lump in your throat. {{hugs}}

C said...

Jonathan spent the better part of his mission teaching the Plan of Salvation. Not only will he mourn with you but he will rejoice in being back home with you. I wish you happy times together.

Jenni said...

Wow, I bet today was an icredibly hard day for you. How did it go? I can't imagine what it was like to see him at the airport and not have Kenzie there to meet him. He will meet her, one day, but that doesn't help right now. It's wonderful you two are so close so he can be a rock for you. Love you!

Emma said...

I am so sorry this happy day is clouded over with sadness. I can't imagine the feeling of wanting Kenzie to meet your brother and not having that but I have no doubt this amazing guy will help you through this. He also wanted nothing more than to meet your sweet girl, to be there with you through this and I know he will be now. I hope you see your sweet girl in his smile, in his arms and feel her in his love. I wish he could hold her, see her and cherish her in person, but I know he is doing that anyway. I know sharing with him Kenzie's life, looking at pictures/video etc will be so, so hard, but I hope with his strength there you will be able to find some joy in those things. I am so glad you have such a special bond with him and I know he will be so glad to hold you in his arms and give you a much needed hug. Take care, hugs, Emma

Summer said...

Kendra if only you knew how strong you really are. You amaze me everyday. When I look at the photos of Makenzie she is looking at the camera in almost every single one, even when she was a newborn. It's almost as if she knew that you would need to see how beautiful and bright her eyes were. She was amazing, your amazing. I hope that Kenzie visits you in your dreams tonight.

debbie said...

Thinking about you and praying you will feel comfort in your brother's arms.

Mike and Jenna said...

I love you Kendra, I will be praying extra hard for you.. I know the day you posted this has already past, and hopefully today the lump has gotten maybe a little bit smaller.. I bet your little brother was so excited to see you as you were him, and hopefully that helped. I love you! xoxoxo

Jessica and Reecey said...

My brother and sister were both serving missions when Lola was born, and I was so excited for them to meet my girl. I can't even imagine how painful this experience must be for you. I'll be shooting an extra prayer or two into the sky for you, your brother and Kenzie :)

{owens} said...

i'm a blog stalker...and i can't visit your blog without sobbing. you are such a strong woman...and i'm inspired by your blog. hope the time with your brother has been better than you imagined. our prayers are with you still. ashley.

Emma said...

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and have been hoping the last few days that your time with your brother has been very special. I know it will be so hard in so many ways but I also hope you find some comfort and soothing in sharing your sweet girl with him and feeling his love. Hugs, Em

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