today is one of those days.
that big lump is even bigger than usual.
that lump in my throat.
that feeling of almost crying every second.
that feeling of needing her.
i keep going in a circle today.
starting out with NO. Please. Makenzie. I Love You. Can't be. Miss. It hurts. I can't do it.
then it eventually gives way to wailing in the bathroom.
today should be a great day.
its been 2 years - 1 month - 1 day since i have seen my little brother.
he comes home today.
the last few days i have had this lump.
it grows bigger everyday.
all i can remember is before he left-
he thought i would have a baby while he was gone and i said no way, ill wait until he gets back because i couldn't imagine my baby not having uncle jonathan from the second they were born.
after i found out i was pregnant i was so sad she would be 7 months before he got home
but so excited that he would still see her as a baby.
i emailed weekly about my progress.
he was pretty excited.
kenzie and i talked about uncle jonathan a lot.
i imagined waiting at the airport, holding her.
i imagined jumping up and down because i couldn't wait for him to meet her.
now she isn't here.
he doesn't get to meet her.
he never saw her face.
he never saw how beautiful she really is.
--really, pictures don't do justice--
now ill be standing there at the airport, with nothing.
i wont be able to hand over this mini me.
*just a little background on this boy coming home. his name is jonathan. he is 21. he served an LDS mission. he is my little brother age wise but mentally he is much older than me. he is my best friend. he has been the one who has been through it ALL with me. he know everything about me. he is amazing. he is a hero. he is the best person you will ever meet. i promise. i hated when he left. i need him. i knew this was what he wanted to do and what he felt was right so i supported it. he is so smart. he knows me. he knows my heart. he knows the darkest areas of our life. he loves unconditionally. he-is-just-incredible.
2 years - 1 month - 1 day later.
oh how different life is.
I'm scared to see him.
I'm not sure why.