Wednesday, March 3, 2010

pain

its days like today i need to be strong but cant
because
i keep catching a smell that reminds me of her
her face wont leave my mind
i hurt extra on days like today.
its not fair.
she was to young.
why did she have to die?
why cant i have her?
why cant ryan have her?
why cant i stop these tears?
i am running around trying to keep my mind busy.
nothing helps
i need her
i miss her
oh how i miss her
i cant believe it today.
i cant believe this is our life.
its a nightmare.
how can she be gone.
i just want to scream.
i want to throw something.
im using all my energy to just sit still-
to not scream and put my fist through the wall.
im so angry.
im hurting so much.
i seriously cant do this.
that word keeps flashing through my mind - gone -


makenzie--
oh my god baby.
im hurting today.
a hurt that i havent felt in a while.
my arms physically hurt because your not in them.
my legs are weak and i have a hard time walking.
i have to keep reminding myself to breathe.
im doing everything i can just to make it to the next second.
i keep trying to reach out to hold ---nothing...
im just praying for you.
please please please be okay.
please be in heaven.
i need to believe i will see you again.
im so scared.
im so unbelievably terrified i wont hold you again.
makenzie, please oh please know how much i love you.
dont ever ever doubt how much i absolutely adore you.
i ache for you every minute.
i love you.

8 comments :

Anonymous said...

Kendra,
I just wanted you to know that I think about you all of the time and please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I am sorry that you are hurting so much and please know that you will be with Kenzie again. You are a perfect mother and she loves you very much. God has made a plan for us all to be together again. You are Ryan are very special people and your Heavenly Father knows how much you are hurting. Turn to him and he will comfort you. I love you.
Loretta

TMI Tara said...

{{HUGS}}

AJ and Cindy said...

sending hugs and prayers your way :)

Anonymous said...

Kendra,

I think about you all the time and pray that you have some times without so much pain and heartache.
I ache for you when I read your blog and see your beautiful baby's pictures. A mother's love is like no other.
I don't know if you read this blog or not but thought I would send the site info to you. This family lost their baby girl recently and has done some neat things to remember her. therowefam.blogspot.com
You are such a beautiful young woman inside and out.
Linda Miller Charlotte NC

Emma said...

Oh how I wish I could ease your pain, take some of it from you...I am so, so sorry you are going through this. Please remember your feelings are totally normal, you aren't going backwards although some days when the pain is worse again it feels that way. Grief comes in waves, and you never know when or how strong they will hit.

You are in my thoughts and I am sending you hugs and so much love, Em

Alerie said...

I wish I could do something. I feel helpless. My heart aches for you SO much. Just know that I am thinking and praying for you everyday.

SENDING BIG HUGS!!

JEssi said...

You dont know me. My sister told me to look at your blog. I am a young mom. I got pregnant when I was 16 years old. I went through a lot of heart ache when the dad decided to not care. It has been very hard for me. When I was having a hard day, I read your blog. I got so into it, i read for hours. I seriously fell on the floor sobbing, I cried all night I felt so horrible for you. It was then I realizied how lucky I am to have my daughter in my life. I learned to cherish every moment of life with Taylee. I have to thank you from the bottom of my heart. You inspire me, I couldn't ever imagine going through what you had to go through. You helped me become a better mother. I know Kenzie is so proud of you. Thanks for sharing all your emotions with me. I will forever keep you in my prayers.
YOU ARE INSPIRING
<3 JESSI

Anonymous said...

I want to thank you for inspiring me, I am a young mom. I got Pregnant when I was only 16 years old. It can be tough to me a young mom. when i was having a rough day my sister told me about your blog. that day I read your blog for hours. I cried all night long. It helped me realize i need to be grateful for my daughter and cherish all the moments. Thanks so much for sharing all your thoughts and emotions. I have learned writing a blog can help you from reading yours. Thanks for everything you have done for me. I am so horribly sorry for your loss. Nobody knows how you feel expect God. He can help you. I can't imagine loosing my princess. Thanks for being so inspiring to me! JESSI

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