i just need to write.
no reason- no goal- no point.
this crazy life we all lead.
do you ever sit back and just wonder
why oh why God?
what is the point?
why is it so hard?
why cant you stop some of this pain?
how do you choose?
why cant i see good?
why cant i get past myself and thank you for what you gave me?
some sweet ladies from the well known church came over to visit me yesterday.
you know, after everything i don't do for them and through my cold shoulder, they still come around and give me hugs. they are tooo good & i love them.
they asked me a question that i have thought about briefly before but never gave much thought to. they asked something along the lines of do i feel i have grown through this experience.
i told them I'm grateful for the friends i have meet,
for feeling a bit stronger
but to be honest, i just cant admit something good or positive has come from the death of my daughter. at least not yet.
i feel guilty even thinking that- something positive coming from her not being here.
when i was the person on the outside looking in at others in similar situations i used to say,
"be happy, they would want that"
I'm on the other side now and i don't like when people tell me that. i don't feel its okay to be happy.
i guess- i cant cry my life away but i feel that if I'm happy its like I'm not remembering that makenzie is gone and that life is okay without her. which its not.
through the rest of yesterday, last night and today i kept thinking about this.
im trying to grow- even if i dont want to-
im trying to become a better person-
i realized some things that i never realized until now-
i realized when i pray i don't thank God for anything because i feel if i tell him I'm grateful for anything in life i have to be grateful for everything- even him taking makenzie.
i thought about how i want to pray but every time i pray i get confused, i start out praying to god- then talking and crying to kenzie- then asking other angels for help in taking care of kenzie- then yelling at god- then back to talking to kenzie- then to god- then kenzie- then god- then kenzie- then i just stop.
i think about the mother i was to makenzie, i think about being a mother to someone else and feel extreme guilt. not only because of kenzie but for that child. i worry i could never love them even half as much as i love makenzie. i worry god doesn't intend for me to be a earthly mother so if i have another child he will take them away to.
you would think after losing the absolute worst thing anything could lose i wouldn't be so scared to lose anything else- I'm the opposite. I'm so incredibly afraid of everything because now i fully know i CAN lose it all and how fast it can all be gone.
oh my mind has been racing the past 24 hours.
I'm trying to make sense of this all. I'm trying to understand more.
I'm learning to pray better.
I'm learning to listen better.
one thing i feel now, more than i have before, but not with absolute certainty-
God is real.
Makenzie is in heaven.
Her wings are beautiful.
She is glowing.
She is being loved.
She is happy.
I hate feelings she is in a dark place. I cant feel that anymore.
I need to keep those thoughts out.
I need to keep her smiling face alive.
Oh how beautiful she is.