Monday, February 8, 2010

ramblings on feelings

Dear John...
Have you read this book or seen this movie yet?
I went on Saturday with AL, We had a wonderful day just the 2 of us. We have been dieing to see this movie so of course we went opening weekend- boys left at home with the kiddos+beer+movies... It was kind of an eye opener to me to see how I reacted to this movie now, compared to how I would have acted to it a year ago.
OH how Times change!
This time last year- I would have cried and sobbed at the love sense. I would have thought all about Ryan and put myself in that situation and balled my eyes out for days later. I am a sucker for love stories and this was one I would have loved for a very long time...
Now- This movie kind of annoyed me. I was angry through the movie more than enjoying it. WHY? Because of his relationship with his Dad... When did I cry? When he was talking to his Dad at the end.
Sorry Ry but I didn't so much think of you in this movie (still love you though)- I thought of being a parent. I thought of the love you have for your child as a parent. I kept imagining myself in his Dads shoes. That's what made me cry.

How different life becomes after you have a child. You have this new love you could never imagine unless you were a parent. I have thought many times since I had Makenzie and since she had passed away about this. I have thought- no my love is something no one understands. How could anyone else love someone like I love Makenzie, Its just to great.
Just recently have I really felt that every parent feels this.
So you can relate.
Even though are feeling this love- it indescribable. Its something you still cant imagine even when you're in the middle of it. Its so great and powerful- You feel you can do anything and sometimes you really do. You are amazed seeing what that love will make you do. How everything else in this world is a blur- and you wouldn't want it any other way- who cares about money, your job, your house, any of the things you treasure so much- when it comes to that love you have for your child, It takes over.
Right?!
I never guessed I would know this feeling. I remember days before Makenzie was born- I cried to Ryan telling him I didn't know if I could love my baby as much as I love Harley (our DOG) HELLOOOO.....
yeah, dumbest thing I could have ever said but I really had that fear. I thought I loved her so much. Seriously- I could never have guessed my world- my heart- my soul would have been taken over in a second. The moment I saw her- she owned me. I was all about her. Every breath she took, every move she made (okay let me break out in song) Every inch she grew, everything was about her. Ryan and I were obsessed. We couldn't imagine anyone else really knowing this kind of love.

Anyway- I could ramble about this for hours but just watching this movie, I couldn't help but really see how much love most every parent has for their child. When I have heard about a child getting sick or even a child dieing I cant help but want to cry- just because I KNOW that pain. I have ached many times since Makenzie passed because I KNOW that pain another parent is experiencing when they lose a child. You couldn't imagine it. You think you would feel one way- do one thing and you really have no idea.
In my life I have always prepared for the worst case scenario. That way if it doesn't happen- its like icing on a cake but if it does happen- I'm ready and prepared. You can never prepare yourself for losing a child. Everything I did for her in the hospital and our final decision is not one I ever thought I would make, the feelings I have felt since she passed are nothing I ever imagined. Everything is different. Ryan and I have said numerous times- we will never ever say to someone- oh I would have done this or that because until your in that situation, you never know. I could never judge someone now- I have no idea their feeling and thoughts, how could I even begin to say what I would do.

Last night was one of those nights...
I just had a whole weekend full of fun- friends- food- and football :)
We came home and were getting ready for bed when out of the blue I asked Ryan to get me the video camera. I had a weird feeling to make sure the memory card was still in there.
(Other than to look at a FEW videos to get her slide show put together for her funeral, I have yet to look at those videos.)
He got the camera and there was no memory card. We looked in the computer, around the front room and started to panic. We both turned into crazy monsters. Yelling at each other, ripping our house to pieces in search of this. I kept thinking- seriously this cant be happening... Our life is on that thing. The only sounds we have left of our daughter are on there, I have seriously 20+ videos just of her breathing. I kept thinking I have to remember what she looked like when she breathed. Ryan stopped right in his tracks- grabbed the camera and plugged it into the wall- turned it on and everything was on there..
GUESS WHAT.
we don't have a memory card. Its all internal memory.
So after we both caught our breath- apologised for going crazy on each other we started glancing over the videos. I couldn't watch but a few seconds. I couldn't breath watching them. I was so scared in those few minutes before of losing this. I almost felt like I lost her again. Just the thought of never watching her blink her eyes, kick her feet or listen to her cry made me go insane. LITERALLY. You should have seen me!
I know Ryan felt the same. We were both so scared to lose that- we couldn't filter anything through our mind and just let it all go on each other.
The few seconds of watching our daughter I lost it.
We went upstairs and I couldn't breath.
It was another night I cried myself to sleep.
Ryan held me.
I felt like he wanted to let it out as well but couldn't because his wife was out of control.
I hate being out of control.
I layed there yelling that I cant do this.
How am I suppose to life the rest of my life without her.
What kind of sick trick is God paying on us.
He has to give her back soon because we just are falling apart. We are not getting better so he better just give her back before we really go insane and lose control.
I felt like I did a few days after she died- That feeling of it just starting. How will I wake up tomorrow without her. How will I be able to go on another day-week-month-year-lifetime without her.
That love I was talking about earlier- that love you have for your child. Its unbelievable- its an unbelievable feeling to know you will not hold your child again for a lifetime.
I still don't know how I have made 55 days without her.
55 days! That's it. That's all I have made it- I'm sinking in quick sand more and more everyday. HOW will I make it another 55 days? How will I make it a lifetime.
I think about her and how everyday was a struggle to breath, she used all her energy to just breath. That's it! She couldn't eat towards the end because she used every last anything she had
.just
.to
.BREATH.
How the HELL did she do it? I feel I'm in a similar place- I am using every energy I have to just breath. To just move. To just go on with life like nothing is happening (at times), Like I'm not thinking about her every second. I have to talk to people like I'm not picturing her instead of listening to them.
"Time Heals all wounds..." Whatever!
I'm sure this numb- this sharp stabbing pain- this feeling like someone is whacking me with a sledge hammer every minute, wont be so constant but how will your wounds heal? You no longer have your heart? How do you live without your heart? Grow a new one? NO-- its irreplaceable.
Right now- I'm still on survival mode. Surviving a moment.

7 comments :

derek, allie, emma , & bradyn said...

My heart is aching even more for you today.

After a 'good' weekend for you... you had to go home and feel that pain. I'm so sorry. I wish I could hug you!

You know I'm always here. Love you.

TMI Tara said...

I know what you mean about how perspective changes movies and shows. We got the text from Ryan about Kenzie having SMA while we were in the Twilight movie. Until the moment we got the text, I was SO into the movie and their romance, then after the text I was like, "Who cares? This is SO dumb! Children are sick! People are suffering! Why are all these people in this movie wasting their time instead of with their families at home or helping people who need help?" I couldn't even watch the movie. I just wanted to RUN home to Chloe and give her a kiss, then run to you guys and hug you and cry with you.... which we did the next day.

I do not believe that time heals all wounds. I believe you are given peace, comfort and strength through miraculous means, but I don't think the wound heals, not completely.

I pray you will be given a miracle to help you breathe and survive without Makenzie. I pray for you every single day and love you! xo

AJ and Cindy said...

thinking of you today...that you are even able to keep on living day to day shows how strong you are, I admire you

chelsieaw said...

Kendra,

I don't think time heals "all" wounds but I think time helps us to deal with them easier. Time will give you a new normal what once was will never be again. So before Kenzie your normal was one thing and after her will be another. I think we just need to learn to live in our "new" normal. I hope that makes sense but that is kind of how I deal with the loss of my daughter and husband. I don't think I will ever fall in love again because there just is no one like him or at least my new normal wont let me see that.

My prayers go to you and I hope you can find the strength to find your new normal.

Emma said...

Again, I read through tears. I wish I could ease your pain. You and Ryan are going through something you shouldn't have to, no parent should have to and I wish with all my heart I could take it away. You are right, the love for a child is something you can never can explain to someone in words, it just takes over and I know the pain you are going through is something no one can understand either. We all experience things differently and I learned long ago never to say "I know how you feel" because even in the same situation no one grieves, no one loves, no one feels in the same way you do.
I can't even imagine what you and Ryan went through last night, the fear of "losing Kenzie" again...I am so sorry that happened. What I am glad about is that you two could be angry, could even lash out at one another and still come together in the end and know it was out of your grief and love for her and let that pull you back together.

I am sure Ryan needs to get it out too, and he is 'being strong' for you, but I have no doubt when he needs it you will be there and be strong for him...and even have moments of weakness together.

As for "time heals all wounds" I think that is totally false. I think time changes wounds, time eases wounds, but it will never take away the pain, especially with the loss of a child. You will eventually lose the 'take your breath away' pain, but you will never lose all the pain...becuase of what you mentioned earlier, the love being the greatest love you could ever imagine. With great love comes great pain at the loss, and I know your love for Kenzie was amazingly great!!

Thinking of you both and hoping today you found some moments of peace in your day. Love Em

debbie said...

Kendra, just wanted to let you know I'm still thinking about you and praying for you every day. You and Kenzie are helping so many people!

Molly said...

Agreed... I was not a huge fan of Dear John and I was REALLY excited to see it because I loved The Notebook. And... the only time I cried was when he was reading his dad his letter in the hospital.. other than that I was super annoyed and bored.

I hope you don't mind that I referred people to your story and your blog on my blog... A TON of my friends have been touched by your family and your story. You are a great writer and I think you are inspiring MANY people.

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