Wednesday, February 10, 2010

this--that--the other

my mind is usually on nothing but makenzie- i have to remember we are still moving--time is still ticking--my body is still aging--and every day is another day.
I'm trying to live.
ryan and i talked for a few hours last night- we didn't get to bed until very late. we talked about our feelings. described how hard everyday is. described how we feel we do a half-ass job with everything- work, school, friends, family... its like we are floating through life- through our day- trying to make it look like everything is fine- that we are fine, when in fact we are not. when people ask how your doing, what are you suppose to say?
'I'm doing shitty-we are barley breathing' ????
no...
we say 'eh we are doing good- okay- fine'
we kept talking about our fears, we have so many now. more than we ever have before. now that we know we could lose anything and everything. we talked about how young we are- 22 and 25. life has just started yet for us it almost seems its over. we have so long to wait until we will see makenzie. we talked about future children. on one hand- we feel we are so there, we are already parents without a living child- but at the same time, we feel guilty even thinking about another child. Not because we think it would be replacing Kenzie- never ever would it. She is our first, our oldest- always... but... we both feel if we were to have another child somehow (whatever way that may be) we would be constantly looking for Makenzie in them. we would be trying to see her smile, her laugh, her movements, her spirit. So unfair for that child. We need to be ready to have a new child- new smile, new laugh, new movements and a new spirit. Right now- or anytime soon- definitely not ready. We talked about each other. We both are amazed with one another. I have no idea why ryan is with me... I'm a mess... but i know why with him. he is a rock. he is strong and even when he crumbles he pushes through like nothing i have never seen. He is working- everyday- to make life better for both of us. How does he do it?
I see now where Makenzie got her strength from. She got so much from her Dad!
just talking like this proves- we are still moving--time is still ticking--my body is still aging--and every day is another day...
life-goes-on.

--last night was wonderful. we went to this:

milo- the main man-wasn't up to going- had a bad day.
i was really looking forward to meeting him but cant imagine what he must be going through, hope he feels better soon and was able to raise a lot from the auction last night.
ry-my mom-and i went a little crazy on bidding. i couldn't help myself- there was some amazing things. i meet so many wonderful people. so many people who knew of me but now i got the pleasure of meeting them. meeting some of the many wonderful people behind all those prayers we receive on a daily basis! my favorite part- meeting my liz- a new friend i think will be around for a very long while. i was nervous/excited to meet her. she is amazing. her friends are amazing. i got lots of great advice and tips on an event i am planning coming up.
ill post pics of what we walked away with- will get most of my things later this week.

---i have been meaning to take pictures and promise i will tonight but we got one of the most amazing gifts the other day. it was from AL+D. they surprised us out of now where. ill keep it a surprise until i get pictures. all i can say is ryan and i have since spent every night freezing our butts off with this gift.

---dropped a class at school. yeah i know... i hate when i do that and i hate admitting it :( almost like i failed. i couldn't keep up on one class. i figured i better drop that one class or risk failing all 3. i just couldn't keep up on everything. maybe when my mind starts getting back on some sort of normal track i can dive into school a bit more.

---3 days--- until it will be 2 months

--- 10 days--- until we will be in sunny warm las vegas!

---18 days--- until this guy will be coming home. seriously. its been way way wayyyy to long.

--- 25 days--- until we will be on here

going here!

so ready to get away.

10 comments :

debbie said...

I'm excited to see what you got and hear about your plans to honor Kenzie! I also found a story I thought you MIGHT like on another blog. I'm nervous that you'll hate it, but I thought it was worth mentioning in case you love it. http://kamberlarsen.blogspot.com/2009/09/brave-little-soul-kamber.html

caitlin and brinton said...

You SO need those vacations! I bet you'll have a wonderful time - I hope you can relax and enjoy yourself.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad to see you are going out on vacation! You will LOVE Puerto Vallarta. I went there like 7 years ago, loved it! You and Ryan are still in my prayers.

Lots a Love
Katrina

Rachel said...

Good for you. So glad that you guys are getting out of the house and spending some away time. I hope you can find some happiness while still keeping those memories.

Tristan said...

What a wonderful idea to just get away for a while. I hope the days pass quickly for you. I don't know you so I really don't want to offend you and make an enemy before a new friend but I know of a lady who lost her baby at 2 years old (not to minimize what you are going through). She ended up having another baby eventually. Of course her son will never replace her daughter but she said it really helped her to heal. It gave her reason to get out of bed, to keep going, to live again and to realize what was good in her life. When you're ready to care for another child, maybe it will help you too. You are an excellent mom with so much love to offer. I hope this experience doesn't scare you away from finding peace and happiness in completing your cute, little family.

Emma said...

We are heading to Puerto Vallarta in 2 weeks, I wish we were going to be there at the same time...then I could meet you and give you that hug I so wish I could!

Ryan is with you because you are so loving, and with that comes crumbling at times like this...you lost your daughter, the light of your life...you struggling is just part of loving!! I am glad you are talking to one another, keep those lines open, even when it is hard and you don't want to hear what you each have to say.

As for a baby, my friend who lost her little girl last April is due again in May. No, this baby will NEVER replace their little one, nor would they want her to, but she will bring new joys. As for feeling guilty looking for Kenzie in a baby, even with my two, I still do that. Even if Kenzie were sitll here in your arms you would do that with another, but you will love a new baby in their own way because each is so different! You will know when you are ready. My friend said to me that one thing losing their daughter taught them was to not live in fear, that the worst had already happened and they were still going, one step at a time. they realized the only reason they wouldn't have another baby was out of fear, and they wanted to honor their baby in her teaching of not letting fear make their decisions for them. When they really felt that in their heart they decided it was time, and you will too, when the time is right.

As for school, you did the right decision, you did NOT fail. You have enough going on right now that you don't need to be overwhelmed by that too. You do what you can, it is enough.

Hugs, Em

The House that James Built said...

sweet kendra. i am so glad you have some fun things to look forward to. we need a vacation too. so i'll live vicariously through you at the moment. i love you and cant wait to see you tomorrow! thx for coming to milo's benefit and being such a great friend. wow, you are amazing.

Alerie said...

I am so happy that you guys are going to be able to get out and go on vacation and relax. Have fun!! I have never been on a cruise, let us know how it is.

Don't worry about school, just do as much as you can. Everything will work out....school will always be there.

Is your brother on a mission? He comes home in 18 days? That is so exciting!! I admire all those boys that go on missions, I think it would be so hard to be away for 2 years without family. They change people's lives though. Congrats to him!!

About ever having another child, I can't give any advice on that since I have truly can not understand how you feel, but I do know when my second was on her way I always thought I would never be able to love her as much as I did my first and that I would always compare her to my first. BUT when they come they are different and similar all at the same time and you love them just the same.

Always thinking of you. Much love!!

nancy said...

Do the 4 wheelers in Cabo. The longer the better. It is just beautiful. I am so very sorry for your loss.

Natalie. said...

OK. I just have to say. I KNOW!!!!!

"when people ask how your doing, what are you supposed to say?"

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW!!!

I talk about this with Richie all the time.

Suddenly, "how are you?" is like the most absurd question on earth.

it's a catch 22. If you say, fine, you're lying through your teeth if you say you're not doing too well, you seem like a whiner and if you tell the TRUTH??! You'll look like a complete and total lunatic.

Ok oh oh Kendra. I wish I couldn't relate. Oh.how.I.wish.

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