Tuesday, February 23, 2010

grief dance

when i started blogging- i started blog stalking. i loved reading about others lives. i would get ideas form the creative ones, i would laugh with the ones who talked about everyday life and i would get inspired by the ones that were inspiring. i started reading a blog about this sweet lady who lost her 1 yr old daughter. i was roughly 4 months pregnant when i found her blog. i was heart broken for her. as time when on and she wrote exclusively about her pain, her daughter, her heartache- i started to get a bit frustrated.
i kept thinking, life happens- why don't you start to move forward. of course its hard but life is still moving forward.
after i had makenzie i didn't have much time to read others blogs as much. i stopped reading hers. months have gone by. when kenzie was sick i started thinking back at those blogs i stalked- esp that particular one. just in the last week i found her blog again. i started reading back to when she lost her sweet little girl. i broke down. she is telling my story. she is saying everyone of my feelings. i almost punched myself in the face because of that thought i had almost a year ago- move forward?!.

ryan and i have had comments here and there from people saying in a nice way- its time to move forward.
i have heard remarks, comments or seen looks that make me feel guilty for feeling the way i feel, like i should be further along in this process.
for some people it takes going through a trial to actually open your mind about something.
i guess I'm learning the hard way. my daughter has opened my eyes in an unbelievable way.
her birth
her life
her death
I'm less judgemental, i don't assume i know what your going through, i don't assume i would do something different in your situation, i love more, i work harder, my priorities changed, my needs have lessened.
my makenzie changed my world. she changed the way i see everything.
i look back at those amazing months i had with her.
i am still in disbelief that in that short amount of time-
she changed
every
part
of
me.
i know so many others have changed because of makenzie. i hope more follow her amazing example. i will forever learn from her.

- to this amazing mother who lost her sweet girl-
I'm sorry. I am so sorry I even had the thought you should move forward- I should have seen that you were. You are. Everyday is another day you don't have your little girl. Everyday is another day she will not see. How can you do anything more than talk about her. She is everywhere. She is in that brown box in the corner, she is in that glass of milk, she is in everything that's good. I'm aching for you. i am walking in your shoes right now and seeing those dark places to. Its scary, its overwhelming, its exhausting. Trying to just live. All I have to say to myself a year ago and to anyone else who tells us to -MOVE FORWARD- screw you.

i will mourn for the rest of my life. i will for the rest of my life be without her.
i will not see her grow.
when your sending your child to school- ill be sending balloons.
when your child gets married- ill be imagining her dancing in a white dress.
when your child has their own children- ill day dream about the women she would have been.

***i read this on someone elses blog who lost their child and its everything i feel.***

Grief Dance
There is a lot of pressure that comes with grieving.
Every day, we get watched, observed, sized up.
People are constantly looking to us to set the tone. We can hear them holding their breath, waiting for us to smile, or laugh, or cry.
We are also holding our breath, waiting to see how people will react to us.
If we laugh, will people think we’re being disrespectful to our daughter?
Because sometimes we laugh.
If we cry, will we make people feel awkward? Because we cry, a lot.
If we smile, will people think we’re okay?
Because we’re not okay. We’re not better, or fixed, or over it.
It’s this constant up and down, like a thermometer…rising and falling.
But most of all, we put pressure on ourselves.
We get tired of crying, but we feel guilty if we don’t.
We miss hearing her voice, but just the sound of it can throw us into utter despair.
Our friends invite us to things. We want to be with them. But sometimes it’s just too much. We hope they keep inviting. We hope one day it won’t be too much.
Grief is a dance we don’t know the steps to, but we shuffle along, trying not to mess up.


***blog friends, for those of you that have sent me emails, links or letters- Thank You! Please dont think by sending me something to help me have strength or be inspired I will be upset. I love it. I love comments and I love knowing who is learning from Makenzie. So keep it up- Keep them coming. They make me smile.

21 comments :

Marti said...

You know, while reading your blog I have not once thought "move forward"...in fact I find myself kind of thinking the opposite. I think, "wow, she's taking classes..brave.", "she's going back to work..brave" I find that everything you do I think you are brave.

crissy said...

I've never thought, while reading you're blog, that you need to move on.
You lost your baby, and while I haven't experienced what you have, I know that in a similar situation I would likely crumble.
It is hard to move forward after something awful happens, but we're all forced to because time does not stop.
I think you are strong and brave and beautiful, and I am sure Makenzie is proud, everyday, that you are her mom. Let her be your strength.
Take your time to heal, and nevermind the people who say you need to get over it, because they don't know what they're talking about it.
You inspire me with every post.
I wish I could take away your hurt.

Marcia said...

I remember someone being shocked when 2 months after my niece's death I wasn't over it. Guess what ... 5 1/2 years later and I'm still not over it. It still makes me sad. I still miss her. I still wonder. And I wasn't her mama. I can't even imagine.

Stacy said...

Oh Kendra - I am so sorry people are implying you need to move forward. You are right - no one has walked in your shoes! Some people will walk beside you, but NO ONE will walk in your shoes. Your feelings are justified - you can feel however you need to feel, and you can move forward at your own pace. Only you get to determine these things... I follow your blog, and others just do I can remember how lucky I am... My heart hurts for you - daily, hourly. Hold Kenzie close, and you keep doing what you are! {{hugs}} ~ Stacy

The Elliotts said...

Everyone grieves in different ways.I've always looked up to your strength. I think you're one amazing person. I don't know you all that well but because of your blog I feel as if I do and am really impressed by you. KUDOS!

TMI Tara said...

My grandma lost a baby, and guess what, on her death bed, she said that she was so excited to see her Brad. She said it was almost all she could think about every day between the time he died until it was almost time she died. She NEVER got over it after 40 years. It was something she always carried with her and frequently talked about. She of course laughed and enjoyed life, but her thoughts of Brad were always with her. I would never judge you for any feelings you feel in losing Makenzie. I just hope to be here for you on the good days and the bad. I hope you never feel judged by me. I hope you allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling. I think being honest with those emotions is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself, for your relationship with Ryan and your relationship with God. You are entitled to all of those emotions. You are amazing, Kendra. Don't EVER let anyone make you feel anything less. {{HUGS}}

Trevor and Hilary said...

You will never get over something like that. No one should ever tell you to either. It has been almost 2 years since we lost our boys and I think about them everyday. I will never get over what would have been. I had one person tell me shortly after I lost them that "life goes on" I wanted to punch her! Don't let anyone tell you how to feel.

Bekah, Cameron, and Cayden said...

You own your feelings and your thoughts. No one has the right to tell you how to feel, or how to grieve. You are the only one who knows what's in your heart, and you have the right to miss your daughter and grieve for her no matter how long that might be. Though I have never met you, I think you are an amazing mother, wife, friend, human being. You inspire me, and give me strenghth. No wonder Kenzie was so strong. She had two amazing parents.

Anonymous said...

you know kendra one does not ever get over the things which happen in their lives you do move on but you still remember that part never goes away. Moving on should get easier remembering will always be there it is what you will do with it that will make it hard or easy or somewhat manageable. It really doesn't matter if it is death, divorce, a wayward child, a cheating husband or wife you manage to move on but you still remember and sometimes that is good. All those things hurt ones soul in some way but with the help of the good Lord one can make a difference in how they will handle life. Your little one was amazing and she wants you and her dad to be amazing too. She knows all about you and she will wait for you with great patiences you now have to decide what to do and how to go about doing it. You will always remember and that is good but remember to she does want you to move on. One day you will get to see all the things you have wished for her not now but one day, you remember that and be ready for the days ahead with her. You are special along with your husband and your blogs have been heart warming, it does sound like your little one touched many lifes, I know she touched mine and when I read about you you are amazing too. Remember the joy, the peace and the goodness of this child and know she wants you to move forward without the despise in your heart for those who tell you to do so, it will come with time and peace will enter your heart again. Your daughter was special she still is and will always be. Don't be afraid of what others think, they will always think things you go forward with a steadfastness in your soul of knowing you where a good mother to a child of God and one day the joy will continue as it did here on earth, move forward for your child so that you will be ready for her again. You are special, she knew that and remembering her is no crime. You find the peace you need and keep right on blogging so all of us out here in blog land can see how you have moved on and so we can contiue to enjoy life with knowing a little part of you and your life. Don't be afraid to go forward, don't ever go backwards, I tell you it is not worth the time and energy it takes. Thank you for you and your good life and for sharing your daughter with all of us out here.

AJ and Cindy said...

always in my thoughts... no one can judge you or tell you what to think or how to feel. grief is such a hard thing and so different for everybody. I think you are honoring your daughters life by talking about her so much. You are continuing to be in my prayers! I hope we can meet up someday!

The Cade Family said...

"...Year one-stunned, numb, disbelief. You don't want to be here going through this. Year two - worse. Years three, four, and five - you still don't want to be here, but you keep waking up alive. Five through ten-gradually getting better each day. You've learned that you can live with a hole in your heart & missing your child so much you think you'll explode. You're on the mend. Besides, someday you'll see your child again. After everything you've been through, you can wait..."
"People are kind, but they don't get it. They tire of waiting for me to return to myself...it takes time to understand. You don't eat an elephant all at once, you eat it bite by bite." -Melodie Beattie, The Grief Club

Devon said...

I understand what you mean by understanding more of others...though I have not been in your shoes. Kendra, above all you must take your time to grieve in YOUR way, not in any way that anyone else who has or hasn't been through what you have thinks that you should. I defy anyone to do it better than you are, or with more grace. I admire you so much, and am grateful that you are standing up to those who think you 'need to get over it.' I can't believe anyone would ever dictate to you how to grieve...do it your way.

Hugs.

Tristan said...

Just by curious, after you found that lady's blog after a year or so later, where is she right now in her life? What is she up too? How has she dealt with this pain over time? Just wondering...

I hope I never offend you by commenting. Words on a computer screen can be so one sided especially if you have never met the person. I love to read your blog! My trials are slightly different than yours and reading your blog gives me strength to make it through another day of what I am facing. One day when I meet you, I will tell you, okay? :)

I have never lost a child before but I can imagine the emptiness you would feel. You will probably never stop missing your sweet Kenzie but you will learn coping strategies as time moves on to help you through this life.

BRIAN~KANDICE~ALI~ALYSSA said...

You dont know me but I read your blog every now and then. You remind me what is important in life. I have never thought to love forward, in fact I can't belive you are trying so hard. YOur working and going to school. I dont think I could get myself out of bed. Even months later. I think your doing a great job. I wish I oculd give her back to you. Im sur eyou think it's not fair. I could only imangine that is how you feel. I pray fo ryou everynight. I hope you find peace.

Alerie said...

Kendra I am so sorry that people are telling you to move on. I personally feel that they have NO right to be saying that to you. I am also not one to judge, because I too feel that you never really know how you would react in a situation. You may think you do, but you really and truly don't until you are handed that situation. You and Ryan do what you need to do. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone does it differently. The thought of you needing to move on has never crossed my mind since the day I started reading your blog. I think you are amazing and are doing amazing. I also know that Makenzie would be very proud of her parents. You keep doing what you are doing and don't let others tell you different. I thought that Grief Dance poem was perfectly said. Always thinking of you and praying for you!! Much love!!

Jenni said...

You have every right to grieve. My goodness, I'm still grieving for the loss of Kenzie and I didn't even know her! I hope you don't feel like I have ever written something to make you feel like I think it's time for you to move on. Cause I don't. You need to have time. I just pray for you that someday you'll be able to look back on your time with Kenzie without hurt and pain. The loss will never go away, I just don't want it to be so painful for you. It breaks my heart to imagine what you must be going through. You just let us know where you stand and we'll be praying for what you need, in your time. It's all about you Kendra. She was your little girl. Love ya!

Jake and Leslie Garbanati Family said...

I lost my baby 2 years ago...she left behind a twin which seems so unfair, yet so just at the same time. I am lucky to have him, but every little move he makes, sound, or triumph I see my girl. I cry almost everyday...still...two years later. I get mad about it. I go to her grave. I hold a blanket that was made for her, that she never got to be wrapped in. It never ends...somedays it gets easier, and other days it gets harder. I promise, I have been in a spot like yours. Not in your exact place...only you are there. Only you knew Makenzie the way you do, only you think the thoughts you do. While we both have something in common-we are different. Don't guage yourself on what ohters think, say or expect. Guage your self on you. One step at a time is all you can do...sometimes it is a step back, but forward steps will come. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Sometimes I read your words and it echoes my thoughts so clearly. Be mad, be angry, be happy, be sad. Smile, cry, frown, yell. Just never, ever, ever forget that beautiful piece of Heaven that was sent to you.
From on broken heart to another...hope and peace.

Barry and Jeanni said...

My heart aches for you! Noone can tell you how or when or where to grieve- it is personal and happens differently with each individual. With each step of the grieving process comes different challenges, and they suck- all of them!
I left a comment on a previous post letting you know I had made you something I wanted you to see- don't know if you saw that post or not. Here is a link to what I made- http://www.heritagemakers.com/projectBrowserStandAlone.cfm?projectId=1236464&productId=62&projectSponsor=387940

If you like it and want a copy- email me and I will print one for you- jeannij@att.net
hope you hve a great week and that you can feel Kenzies presence whereever you go!

Andrea said...

It is good to know that I haven't offended you since you have been through so much and I am amazed at how well you have held up. I know I don't know what you have been through but I don know that the dreams you have of your daughter are dreams that I have too. I have had the rug pulled out from under my dreams so many times that I don't think about them and I just go from day to day. I know that might sound weird but with life as unpredictable as it is that is all I can do to keep my footing. Sending thoughts and prayers your way! HUGS!!

Danielle Luc said...

Kendra,

You should never have to, nor should you, "move on" - there will be a point in your life when this pain you feel will become a PART of your life instead of enveloping it every second, but that is for YOU to decide, not anyone else. There will come a day when maybe you will be able to function easier with daily life, but when that time comes is not of anyone elses opinion or for them to say.

You are just perfect in how you grieve because you are doing what your heart says to do. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. It's your heart, and she is your daughter. Not theirs.

I know you don't know me but I read almost every day and I pray for you and Ryan and Kenzie.

Wishing you so much peace inside,
dani

Joni and John said...

You do not know me, but I check your blog frequently. I just want to say what a darling mother I think you were. I admire how brave you are and how wonderfully you have handled this. I cannot imagine going through this with one of my little girls. I always cry when I read your blog and I frequently think of you and your little girl. It has helped me be a better mother and be more patient and loving with my girls. You are included in my prayers. I have no doubt that your beautiful Makenzie is smiling down on you and that your sweet little family will be reunited one day. I also wanted to say- if anyone is judging you and acting like you should move on, they are insensitive and simply have NO clue what it is like to lose a loved one. You don't ever "get over" losing a child. I also thought I would mention that there is a local group for mothers called "SHARE" who have lost their babies. Sometimes it is nice to know someone else who has gone through a similar ordeal and can understand the heartache. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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