Friday, February 12, 2010

our dance

tomorrow is 2 months.
2.months
why the hell is tomorrow coming?
i need her.
i hate memory.
why does it go away?
i feel her memory slipping away- the details. im forgetting them.
im trying to not have her on my mind every second because i cry, i crumble, but if i dont-
those beautiful memories go away.
the only thing im asking for tomorrow- that no one tells me:
she is in a better place.
i wont say the words im actually thinking when i hear that statement but
being with her daddy and momi is the best place.
i want to lay next to her.
i want to smell her.
i want to feel her.
i want to change her dirty diaper!
i wish she would have multiple blow outs tomorrow, throw up all over me, yell and shout, not sleep through the night because she just wants to be up and playing,
scream when i put her down...
*just to have her*
i woke up and was fine today.
but people keep talking about tomorrow.
now im thinking about tomorrow. well no.
im thinking about 2 months ago.
im thinking about 3 months ago.
im thinking about 4 months ago.
im thinking about 5 months ago.
im thinking about 6 months ago.
im thinking about 7 months ago.
how does God expect me to do this? how can he expect any parent to do this? why didnt he stop it? where is our miracle? where is their miracle? no one should know this. this tsunami.
starts out slow-comes fast-big-your overwhelmed and nothing-NOTHING-can stop it from taking you. from consuming you. we hold on but it ripes us away one finger at a time. its so overwhelming and its not okay. i refuse to ever say its okay my daughter died.
i hate hearing- it was Gods will, she wasnt meant to be here long. that doesnt help me. i dont feel better knowing i wasnt suppose to raise my daughter- that God never planned for me to have more than a short time with her and that he knew she would suffer and that he didnt stop it.
-im suppose to learn right?-
learn from the death of my daughter.
im learning.
everyday- every second
would i change my life....
if she could still be here yes- i would. im a minute. give it all up- everything for her.
i cant change it though.
i still have to move forward-without her physically being here.
have you ever heard of 'the dance' by garth brooks?
we played it on the video we made for her funeral.
its on my play list below if you want to hear the music.

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance


right now.
please.
help me remember.
only comment on her - about her.
please tell me stories.
please tell me about what you thought about her, how she looked and what happened.
do you have a favorite memory of her.
i asked ryan that last night-
whats his favorite memory of her.
we both had to many to narrow down.
im so thankful to have had her.
i wish it was longer. i wish she was still here.
i love her- every second i had with her.

18 comments :

derek, allie, emma , & bradyn said...

I too have so many wonderful memories with Makenzie.

But the one I would have to mention would be when I would just watch her perfectly -and I mean perfectly- snuggled in her moms arms. She fit so perfectly and it made me smile so big just watching her so comforted by her mom and her mom just so perfect in making her daughter happy and knowing just what she needed.

I love you Makenzie, and I love your mom. You two hold such a special place in my heart and will forever be there.

XOXO, Allie

Anonymous said...

Kendra,

I wish I could have met your sweet Makenzie. I do want to tell you one of my fav. things about her, those big amazing eyes. She tells you so much through her eyes the stories she has, the love for her parents you can see so many wonderful things through her big beautiful eyes.

Lots a love
Katrina

Anonymous said...

I love that picture of her staring at her balloon that you posted awhile back! Her eyes are so beautiful!

Emma said...

Although I didn't know Kenzie, I feel like I do, I love her without having met her. I wish I did. My favorite thing about her is how her smile was so constant. So many of your pics have her smiling her beautiful smile, with her big, wise eyes shining along with it! I love that you share those with us, it helps us to know her more.

I know it doesn't 'help' but I too am so sorry she isn't there in your arms, Hugs, Em

Brian and Rebecca Nate said...

I didn't know her, but she looks like a very happy, loving little girl. A truly beautiful child, inside and out.

Linds said...

i think my favorite memory of her is when we first met in the hospital. you were beaming. ryan was such a sweetheart. she was beautiful-from the get-go. we laughed about how becky and randy had gone out to a movie the night before :) we took pictures and loved her. i remember opening up her little swaddle and just oogling over her little legs.

i just asked randy and he said his favorite was when we came down to your house for a bbq sometime and he got to hold her. he said, you were always so nice to let him hold your precious little girl.

we love her. we love you.

Olga said...

It wasn't a very long meeting, but McKenzie was so patient with the Dr. and our cold stretcher and me fussing over her toes with my pulse ox; what a good girl for being so young (not typical!) Her eyes were so big and I loved her tiny little body with her long little feet :)

TMI Tara said...

The only time I met Makenzie was the day after you got the initial SMA diagnosis and not long after she got the feeding tube placed. She was sleeping peacefully and so beautiful snuggled up in her polka dot blankie. She just filled the room up with peace and love. Nurses were caring for her, bustling around, but her peace was bigger than all the noise and commotion. Ryan and I stood over her and talked about how special she is. She was sucking on her binky even though she also had the breathing tube in her mouth. We talked about how talented she was to be able to do that!

Even though that was the only time I actually met her, I have many memories of her... Excited to hear when you were pregnant. Picking out some little summer outfits for her to wear. Watching your tummy grow in pictures on your blog. Seeing you glowing when we went to dinner while you were pregnant. You were such a special mother, Kendra. I think Makenzie's peace and love were already filling you up the moment she was inside of you!

One of my most fond memories of Makenzie was when I made the scrapbook for her viewing. I prayed for strength to know which photos to use, which words to use, how to give a proper memorial to such a beautiful girl.... I truly believe Makenzie was with me several times while I was working on that book. The first few pages I made, I was just crying and crying, but she brought peace to me. She let me know that she was with Heavenly Father in a beautiful place. I wish I had half of her amazing spirit.

What a special girl. What a beautiful dance. You're still dancing with her and you will dance in her arms again. Until then, we are here for you. Love you so much.

Robin + Annie said...

Just like everyone else I have many memories of kenzie. Although I only got to see her and spend with her but 4 times, there was so much to take in during that time. My fondest memory of Kenzie is when we met with you guys at starbucks and Annie and I had spent so much time picking out that little outfit that we had gotten her. The cordory overals with the pink and brown polka dots. Right when we saw it, we thought of her and had to buy it. I never did get to see in her it. But She was so cute when she was opening the present and looking into the box.

We love you guys

Denise Larsen said...

I didn't get to know her but here eyes say so many things. I have never seen blue eyes like that. BEAUTIFUL!!!

AJ and Cindy said...

I am thinking of you all today.

although, I have never met Kenzie, I do remember the first time I came to your blog. It was months ago, and I think you had just left me a comment on my blog so I clicked on you to check yours out :) I remember looking at those adorable family pictures, the ones where you are all wearing red, and she is wearing that beautiful headband. I remember thinking what a beautiful you had, and what a great mom you were

Emma said...

Just thinking of you today and wanted to 'stop in' and send you my love.
Thanks again for sharing your amazing pics of your sweet girl, they are just incredible and she has a way of captivating everyone with her brilliant eyes and sweet smile.
Hugs, Em

malory said...

I only got to meet kenzie in your belly. But I know the glow you had was radiating from her because she knew she was getting the BEST mom, dad, and doggie in the world. She lit you up then and she still does now. I'm thinking about ya today

Anonymous said...

I remember the day the you and Ry told us you were going to be parents. We were sitting the the kitchen at our house. I was so happy--my baby was having a baby!!! Randy and I were so happy for you and for us. Another grandbaby, how exciting. I remember seeing her the first time at fetal photo's. When I saw her move in your belly, my heart jumped. My children were going to be parents, what an incredible journey for them. I remember the early morning hours that she was born--I was so excited to see her and hold her in my arms. I remember that she had her eyes wide open and she just looked around. Even then she was taking in the world. What a precious gift we were given that day.
I remember her at Bear Lake and I have the most funny picture of her in her pink bonnet and her face all scrunched up--oh sooo cute. I remember Addi always wanting to hold her. She misses her too you know. She is always telling us baby ZZ is night, night. We were in the car the other day and she said baby Z is in a big house with Jesus. I met S.D.'s baby a couple of weeks ago and Addi wanted to hold her--she kept asking if it was baby ZZ. I will always help Addi remember her cousin.
I have some beautiful pictures of Kenzie smiling, always smiling and I remember her trying to talk, I know then that she had a lot to say and if she could of spoke she would of told us so much.
I remember her watching the balloons in her hospital room, they seemed to calm her and would always catch her attention.
I remember the moment in this picture--how you climbed into her crib with her and held her close. In that moment you could see peace on her face, having you close to her was a special gift that day.
Kendra, I will always remember MaKenzie and my love for her grows a little more every day. I too, wish that I could of had more time with her. I think about her every day. She is my grand daughter forever and always.
One thing for certain and something that no one can ever take away from us is our memories and our love for a very special, beautiful angel.
Having her in our lives, even for a short time was a blessing. We can never feel cheated, sad for what we can not have in this life, but never cheated.
All my love, Becky

Anonymous said...

Hi. I've been reading your blog and i wanted to share a song w/you, but have been holding back a little--it's a song i heard not long after i started reading, and i immediately thought of you. It's going to be a song to listen to when you want to cry.. when you want to remember sweet Makenzie. With you sharing the Garth Brooks song (great one, btw), it seems like the right time to post this.

Before i link it, i just want you say how very sorry i am for your loss. Your entries often bring me to tears :( I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, and like you have sometimes posted, it just makes me wonder "why?". Why is this happening to you, and why did this have to happen to Makenzie. I hope the blog can be an outlet for you, to get your feelings out and get support. I will continue to read and think of you guys.

If you ever want to email me, you can reach me at thebarts roadrunner._com
~Cheryl

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RLFfiBghio

Anonymous said...

I never had the opportunity to actually meet Kenzie, but through your blog you have helped me to know her, Feel her even smell her lol. I know the smell of hospital tape all and too well. unlike many others I have the opportunity to see you often I know your strength I see it in you each time I walk past your desk here at work. you inspire me to be a better person and enjoy every moment. You have helped me become a better person I thank you for that. THANK YOU for helping me!!!!

I love the pictures in this blog, they show just how much you looooved that Girlie. My favorite is the one on the bottom, because I see a Tear, it just about made me CRY. the tear is not actually the reason I love it. I love the pic because it shows stregnth and Love, I can see the love you have for her, yet my ABSOLUTE fav. Pic is one you posted on 12/26 the one of just her eyes. looking at that pic makes me melt, That girls eyes tell stories, they are so beautiful. They Sparkle like nothing I have ever seen before.
Sarah.Richman@comcast.net

Anonymous said...

Sarah loved coming and holding "baby" makenzie (she thinks that is her given name) she talks about her tiny toes. I think I love her cute baby smell. We love you!
Lisa

Anonymous said...

I remember several things about Kenzie. I remember the day you brought her to the scrap at the hotel in October. I have pictures of all of us holding her and loving her. She was smiling and happy. We all adored her. I remember Grandma Becky's party. I have cute pictures of that day, too. I remember the day she was blessed and I will always remember how beautiful she was (still is) in her pretty white dress. I love her!! Still!!Always!! Aunt Mary:)

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