my plan

oh friends. you know how life is ever changing and you should just accept that.
well in my 24 years of life I have yet to really embrace that.
i am a planner.
every part of my day. my week. my month. my year. and onto the next 10 years.
i have it mapped out.
like on a spreadsheet and everything.
and about 15 notebooks that I use daily.

i am learning to enjoy the journey more and take time to smell the roses -literally- but no matter what happens or doesn't happen in my life i continue to plan.

now for some fellow planners like me. this works great. you have a few set backs but for the most part your life is what you planned it would be. sometimes the detailed portions are not accurate. but the main parts of your story have stayed true.
then there are the rest of us that took some weird turns on the road of life and our plans seem to never work out how we envisioned them in our head. (or how they were perfectly planned on that spreadsheet)
sometimes you might look back at some of the plans you made and thank God those plans didn't work. other times you wonder if you had just stuck with the original plan would your life be better than it is now?

i have had those days. i have thought many times what if i would have just done this or that, how would life be different.
ryan and i talked about this when we had been married just over 2 years and wondered if we made the right decision marring each other. things were different then. we were still getting used to each other. we were still trying to merge 2 different worlds into one home. we were trying to make choices and we didn't always see eye to eye.
after makenzie was born the wondering if we should have got married kind of just flew out the window. our life was all about this new little person in our life and if it wasn't for both of us she wouldn't be here. and that was just something no one could deny.
then the next couple years happened. that's when pretty much every single plan we ever planned completely crumbled. that's when our test of marriage was really tested. that's when life just never seemed to slow down. we were going through a lot. we were surviving barley. and we were consistently trying to make a new plan for our future so we could have some stability to hold onto. every plan we would make kept failing. i couldn't understand why it seemed we could do nothing right. we could never have things just be okay. there were many things i never shared on this blog that happened in those couple years after Makenzie passed that shook our life.

it was a few months back. when i was in some very dark places that i found this silly quote.
(don't you ever wish you could come up with some profound saying that would change the world)
anyway i posted the quote on here and then printed it off and put it on my fridge.
it says...
YOU MUST BE WILLING TO LET GO OF THE LIFE YOU HAVE PLANNED IN ORDER TO HAVE THE LIFE THAT IS WAITING.
it was that simple little quote that pretty much changed everything about me.
my whole life i have been so focused on being in control of what is to come that i have missed out. who knows how many opportunities i have passed because it just wasn't on my spreadsheet.
there was a couple things that happened in life that i honestly am thankful i didn't listen to my spreadsheet.
the main one was marring Ryan.
would you believe he is absolutely the person i was not suppose to be with? well that was according to my spreadsheet. he didn't fit the profile. the job. the future. the same likes and dislikes. he just didn't fit.
somehow. even though our dating world was no fairy tale. we kept coming back to each other.
and with this life we have had to lead. i couldn't imagine doing it with anyone else.
he helps my crazy controlling/planing issues. He reminds me that just because i have something all mapped out and planned doesn't mean that's the path our life will take us down.
we balance each other. when we have talked about us as a team- we both cant imagine doing it with anyone else. as crazy as we are individually- we come together and make a pretty good team that can survive anything.

lately we have been struggling so much with figuring out all the decisions in life.
selling our home, renting our home, renting our basement, college, new jobs, selling cars, buying cars. baby.
all those big consuming decisions.
i have been so worried about trying to do what is best for our plan. the plan that is waiting for us and the plan on my spreadsheet. i have been so concerned about listening to God and doing what he wants. after seriously almost 2 years now. I'm beginning to realize something.
God isn't going to give me an answer for everything.
he isn't going to help us with every single decision in life. he is there for us. but some choices in life are not so life altering that he needs to help us get down a certain path.
i think there have been some big decisions that he has helped guide us to. one being a sperm donor. i think it was important for us to go down this path and get this little man here in this way.
i have had a few big 'ah ha' moments lately that have helped my views and planning in many ways.
maybe i am wrong and if i am. oh well. but i believe God is there. he has a plan waiting for us and it most likely isn't the plan i have all worked out on my spreadsheet. I'm sure there will be many other twists and turns and ill get angry and feel defeated when my plans don't work out but i also know its just because a much better plan is waiting for me. maybe its totally different than what i ever imagine. but just like my plan with who i will marry. if i didn't steer away from what i thought was right, i never would have got what was actually very right and that's my ryan.

I have no idea what is currently going on in our life. I have no idea what our plan is. I have no idea what tomorrow will be like. I don't know where we will be living. I don't know where we will be working.
I kinda want to freak out. and I kind of am. but I am really just trying to live.
today.
in this moment.
I may have no idea what is happening tomorrow
but for right now I know that I am married to my best friend
we have a little girl who is waiting for us in heaven
and we have a little boy who is going to be making his grand entrance into this world in less than 22 weeks.
and if that's the only thing I am certain about today- I guess I have the whole world.
I have everything that matters and everything else can just happen.