Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Love

Its funny when I was pregnant with Makenzie I was so certain I was having a Boy. I wouldn't even hear any talk about a girl. I honestly wanted only boys. I was so scared to have a mini me. Seriously I will die. My thoughts were I would have 4 adorable healthy boys. The day we found out our sweet Kenzie was in fact a GIRL and not a boy. I was a little disappointed. That only lasted until we got into the car and then all the thoughts of how fun a girl will be started flooding my mind. It only took a few moments to know this little girl was suppose to be in our family and the disappointment of a boy flew out the window. I couldn't imagine anything but her coming into our family.
I had the fears of how will I love this baby. How will I care for this baby. How will our life change. How will Ryan do. I remember crying for hours a couple weeks before I had her telling Ryan that I worried if I could love her as much as I love Harley. I think its so funny yet so normal to look back on. Until you experience it. Until the moment you actually become a parent. You could never understand the amount of love you will have. Its simply out of this world. A feeling you will never get anywhere else. The day Makenzie was born was the day that little miss started teaching me what life was all about. I never expected to learn as much as I did in 5 months but that girl had a big lesson for me to learn and she was going to teach it quick.

Love is simple.
Love is unique.
Love is endless.
Love is patience.
Love is learning.
Love is growing.
Love is fear.
Love is hope.
Love is dreams.
Love is small.
Love is big.
Love is a boggy nose.
Love is spending hours holding that crying baby doing everything to help them feel better.
Love is sickness.
Love is health.
Love is helping your baby poop because she cant get it out herself.
Love is spit up down your shirt.
Love is late night steam baths when someone gets a cold.
Love is sitting next to you in a hospital bed.
Love is never leaving even when I'm a blubbery mess because I know you need me.
Love is selfless.
Love is letting go.
Love is your future.
Love is forever.

If I learned nothing from being Makenzie's mother I learned what love is.
I cant think about this little boy without extreme emotion for how much I love I have for him already.
I have no doubt I will love him with all my heart.
I have no doubt that I will do absolutely anything for him.
I know how lucky I am to have him in my life. For however long God will give him to me.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for giving me this chance. To be a mom again. To love in that way again. There is no doubt in my mind that he is a miracle.

Because of Makenzie I am able to love him more than I could have ever loved without her and what she taught me. I cant believe how much it hurts to think I will have 2 children but only 1 here with me. I would do anything to have that big sister. To have them both. but if we didn't go through what we did and if Makenzie was still here. I would never know this kind of love. I would never understand how precious his life is. I wouldn't know how to love this much.

and as much as I think I love this little man today, I know its nothing compared to the amount of love ill feel for him the day he is born. and then everyday after.

9 comments :

The Bowler Five said...

I love your blog...thank you for sharing so much. I saw on the news here in Texas about another little girl and thought I would share the link with you. She has SMA Type 1 http://www.averycan.blogspot.com/

blessed2012 said...

Your blog always makes me emotional. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry...but I'm always inspired by you. Makenzie & Baby Boy are lucky to have such a wonderful mother.

Lea and her Mustangs said...

Kendra, what an awesome post. You are daily in my prayers.

Lea

Britnie said...

Beautiful post Kendra. You are completely right about not knowing how much you could love a child until they are born. I know that's how it was for me - once your child is born, you know a different kind of love you can't find anywhere else. I am so excited for you and your family!

Alissa said...

When I had our baby at 23.5 weeks along and he was still-born, I wanted to die. I never wanted to try to have another, I didn't want to love that much ever again. A few years later we adopted a newborn baby girl. She taught me how to love so completely all over again. She's been my reminder that love never dies, and that I had to have the horrible experience to appreciate the perfect experiences! Heavenly Father does have infinite wisdom!

Alissa
ripleyadoption.blogspot.com

Kennedy Klan said...

Beautiful post... You left me in tears

glenda said...

That's a beautiful post. Beautiful words. So very true...until you are a mother you don't know about true unconditional love.

Wishing you and your little man many years of true unconditional love. You so deserve it!

BrittRegan said...

I found a really great blog following a little girl with SMA. You may have seen it already. While I understand that Makenzie's diagnosis of SMARD is not exactly the same, I thought you might want to check it out. She and her parents are bringing a lot of attention to SMA through their blog.

http://averycan.blogspot.com/

Ashley Sullenger said...

Perfectly written. Its like you took the words right out of my mouth. :)

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