Thursday, December 15, 2011

Argh!!!!

I need to blog about life lately. But I can't find the energy to do so. Makenzies angel day turned out very nice. We are so blessed to have the family and friends that we do. I have pictures I'll put up sometime. Right now. I just can't even think. I wrote a letter to God yesterday. I wish I knew his address to ensure he gets the message. Do you ever feel like he didn't hear you? I try to keep telling myself that the answers don't come when I want. They come when the time is right. But right now. I don't want to wait. I don't want to wonder any longer. Even if what I'm wanting doesn't come today. I want to know it will come. That God really does hear me and knows of my family. I am always going back and forth. Feeling guilty for being upset. Feeling selfish for wanting. I go back and forth with positive thoughts to really pissed and I don't give a shit thoughts. Tell me why this year was harder than last year? Missing my daughter. Wondering why all of this is in our plan. Last year the days leading up to the 13th were hard but the actual day wasn't as bad as I thought. This year. The days leading up were hell. And that day- well lets just say Ryan almost left me. Okay maybe not but I bet he thought about it. I was mad. Woke up mad. Spent the day mad. Tried not to take it out on everyone. I thought I hid it well. I dunno. But I was furiOus. I hated that there was even a day. I was so angry that the 13th is even a thought I'm my head.

Tell me this. Who is pissed off at the world especially people that have children. Healthy children. Several children. Who wants to literally dig a hole and fall in it and never breathe again?? Oh that's me. And who has to work? Oh and at a baby boutique. And is consistently surrounded by people with babies? Oh me again!
Yeah I'm totally irrational and not a very nice person right now but I promise I hide it. I won't be rude to your face. Especially my customers. I'll ooh and ahh over your adorable little one then when you leave I'll shoot you a dirty look and ask God why your so special and have 15 babies and I don't even have 1. Don't judge me. I see how ridiculous I'm being and how I can't realistically feel this way for long but I'm going to today. Because today marks 2 years and 2 days since my only daughter died. And today is when that discussing red "disease" decided to pop up. And 5 days early. And at a time I was actually certain I was pregnant and expecting a positive test anyday now. But nah. Not this time. So we will use our last vial of sperm and pray those little swimmers swim the next round!

Ok so I see that writing this, life could be so much worse so please don't think I'm acting like I am the saddest life ever. I know I'm not. I am just feeling sorry for myself and wanting to throw a real big, dramatic, 24 year old sized temper tantrum because life isn't going the way I want. That I am being forced to learn patience and that no matter what I have to just trust and have faith all my prayers are being heard. Good Lord. Life isn't fair. I wish I could get Gods cell number so I could just text him. Then he could respond that way. Wouldn't that be nice. Sometimes I hate trying to figure everything out. Trying to guess if "that" was my answer or if it's still coming. Trying to make sure he really heard your wish. I mean I have prayed A LOT. But maybe all my prayers went to his junk mail. I don't know. Im probably being wayyy to literal about this and thinking far to worldly but man alive I need answers! I need help and by golly I need a baby!

So God. Please answer my letter, text, blog post, scream, sweet chat or endless prayer for guidance. I'll follow your path just please help me know that you do infact have one for me and that life will continue. That you know of my little family. That my makenzie is by your side and that someday I'll be able to be a Mom again. That is all I wish for. Nothing more. Nothing else matters to me. My happiness and wishes are simple. I promise I'll do everything in my power to be an amazing mum to whoever you send me. And have you seen Ryan?? He really has grown to be the most amazing dad without a child even here. I have no doubts about him :)
Thanks for food and shelter and jobs and shoes.
Love you!
Amen.

How was that blog post? I'm sure all you annonymous-rs wish you could tell me off about being an ungrateful beast! Don't worry. I know it :)
But we are all entitled to be that way for a few hours right?! I think so.
So for the rest of the day I'll be secretly giving dirty looks and whispering evil comments to God for not giving me what I want. Then I'll start over tomorrow. In a better mood. And if by chance I'm still like this- I'll smack myself and sit in timeout until I change my attitude.

44 comments :

Heather said...

I agree EVERYONE is pregnant! And why do those that hurt kids get pregnant so easy!!! Love sent your way

The Dean's said...

You have every right to every single feeling that you are feeling. I had a very difficult pregnancy and to top it off one of my best friends was pregnant too(our due dates were 2 days apart). She had the easiest, worry free pregnancy and at times I found myself pissed off that she had it so easy and I was literally struggling to keep my kid alive. It sounds awful when you say it out loud, but believe me anyone who has gone through the hell you have been through would (and rightfully so) feel the same angry thoughts and extreme moments of pure sadness. I pray for you daily and I too hope God will bless you with another beautiful baby, you have so much love to give!

Rafahi Family said...

I am so sorry. I am one of those women who has 3 kids. I am sure I would be one of those who you would like to slap when I am not appreciating my kids as much as I should. But I want to say how much I truly love you as a person! I love your brutal honesty. I love that you are willing to share your thoughts, your heartchache. I can honestly say that you have softened my heart and I am so grateful I found your blog. I pray for you everyday. I ask God to please bless you and Ryan with at least 1 more child. I can read that you have so much love to give and it hurts me to know that you have not had luck getting pregnant again! If I could be a surrogate for you I would gladly do it! I will keep praying for you Kendra! I wish you so much happiness and love this season. And you are not an evil person! You are only human, overcoming the worst thing that could ever happen to a parent.

thepagefamily said...

Kendra,

I know these feelings all too w3ell. My 2 year old daughter, Olivia, suffered a seizure while sleeping and passed away in January. I work in labor and delivery where she was born. I cant tell you how many times I feel like people do not deserve to be having the greatest day of their lives well i have to suffer the loss of my daughter every day. There are moms on drugs that have healthy babies and I just want to scream. We have every right to feel like that. Life isnt fair and it sucks. Not a day goes by that I do not want to join Olivia. I am thinking of you and knowing that I am not alone.

Julie said...

Usually I cry reading your posts because I can't imagine the pain you feel. Today I'm crying because I can STILL feel that pain as if it were yesterday. The longing, the quiet, the missing, the not knowing. Having a 15 year old tell you she's pregnant, going to abort, and you're the only one she's told. Really? Me? The person who wants it so badly she can't breathe? It would be so much easier to be patient if the outcome weren't so uncertain!

Four years for my first, one for my second. Hang in there and allow yourself to feel your emotions without beating yourself up for them!

Jen said...

Boy do I understand your many emotions...well some of them. It is so hard to have no control. To want something so bad that you ache for, and have no control over it. To understand why having a child happens for some, and not for others. To understand the Lord's plan. To put all the emotions at bay and live your life. To try to be happy when everything feels like such a train wreck. To be happy for others pregnancies and babies when you just can't understand why you don't deserve it just as much. You are not ungrateful or selfish. You are going through an incredibly difficult trial. You are human and you feel emotions. Just let yourself feel them. I'm so sorry for your heartache. I know and understand parts of it. Just try to remember there is a plan for you and you will get your family. You are not forgotten about no matter how much it may seem. Can't wait to see pics of Kenzie's angel day. She's so beautiful. Xoxo

Dean and Rachel said...

SO SORRY GIRL! You so deserve to feel the way you feel. It's good that you express it and get it out. Still praying for you!!!

Rose said...

Oh hon, yes you do have a right to be angry and you do have a right to ask questions, and you do have a right to post ANYTHING you want! I sure hope that tomorrow you feel a little better. I wish to high heaven that I could take away all of your pain and hurt and anger and give you the baby you so desperately want and need, but I can't. I can only cry right along with you. There is only one person special enough to actually take away your hurt, your anger, your pain and make you feel loved. The Savior whose birth we celebrate this month is the ONLY one our Heavenly Father trusted enough to actually do that. I assure you he cries right along with you. BUT he WILL comfort you, THAT I know for sure! But you have to let him. It's hard, and it hurts, but man it feels GREAT after he takes it from you! Please don't give up, HE is there for you...I promise you that...thank you for being honest and thank you being human. You have every right to be who you are and I like who you are! Much love hon!

Janeen said...

He hears you. He knows what you need; the trouble is that He knows what we need even more than we do and that can be really hard. I'm sorry you feel this way but it's completely understandable. I will pray for you. :)

Matt and Chelsea said...

You're allowed to be mad. I can't imagine...I think I would hate the whole entire world. So, you get to be mad and you get to want a baby so badly. And thats why blogging is the best, you get to write it all out and then hopefully feel a little bit better. Even if its just a little tiny bit. I hope you find something to feel happy about. Give Ryan the biggest hug ever today and remember to be so happy about him. :) I'll pray for you too. I don't even know you and it makes me so sad for you. So don't feel like people will think you're a "beast" for being mad...you get to be. Hope you have a better day!! --Chelsea.

Katie said...

All of your feelings, your anger all of it, are all valid! Bless your heart, Kendra. Fingers crossed for the next IUI!

Kim Sheely said...

Kendra, your allowed, let it out, scream, cry, swear, what ever, you need to! For crying out loud you of all people have earned that right. Bummer about "red" my only Christmas wish was for you to see 2 pink lines. It makes me mad too! Hang in there, tomorrow has to be better than today.
Many, Many, Many Hugs your way!
P.S. Got my cookbooks yesterday and I LOVE them!

Alex and Sarah said...

Waiting to have the baby when it is incredible difficult to get pregnant is the worst. I've done several IUI's and I'm going to recommend doing your temperature, OPK, and ultrasounds to pinpoint when you ovulate exactly. I always had a positive OPK 2 days before and frozen sperm is very fragile and doesn't live as long as fresh. Have you thought of doing 2 IUIs a cycle? Maybe 12 hours apart from each other to increase your chances? I would google it because other centers have higher pregnancy rates because they do that. Good luck and continue prayers to you guys.

NoraB said...

That was an awesome post! I truly mean that. How good did it feel to get it all out? It feels good to say/type what you really feel instead of what people think you should say. Even if you know you may sound whiny. We are all entitled to have those moments. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. I pray for you every day Kendra and will continue to do so. I know you don't know me, but I do genuinely care about you and want you to be a mommy to a baby here on earth because you are such a great person.

Carolina said...

Everyone is entitled to have days like these... especially when you have been having a hard time and have been trying to stay positive. Hang in there, the day when all your prayers will be answered is coming and you will just know when your answer comes. Stay prayerful, because He listens. Much love and tons of hugs!

Kennedy Klan said...

Kendra, can I just say thanks... Ya Thanks :o) thanks for being "real" I think its healthy to vent, let it out, scream and shout what ever you need to do but gosh darn it does make ya feel a bit better after you do! So Girl I don't think bad of you at all :o) I wish I had answers for you but I don't :( All I can do is say I pray for you as well. And God can't send all of our prayers to junk mail now can he?? Hang in there ok, you need to remember that you have went through a lot and that it really is ok to vent. And you will get to have a baby in your arms again, to love, I know it.

caseyp said...

Sadly I laughed at the end!!!!! Your time is coming to be a mum again.. When who the Hell knows, only Jesus does babe!!!! He has his time for you!!! I wish I could do it for you! Keep fighting!! YOU CAN DO HARD
THINGS

Elizabeth said...

Kendra,
Like many of your readers, I don't know you, however I follow your blog and my heart breaks for you. You have every reason to feel the way you do and absolutely NO ONE can tell you any differently. I don't know you, but I feel deep down in my heart that you and your husband are amazing parents and whether you want to hear it now or not, God does have a plan. That plan can drive us insane and tick us off but it will make sense one of these days.

You might not be carrying a baby in your womb this month but you are always carrying an angel on your shoulder. Your angel wants you to do something this month...go somewhere special...try and figure out what it is that Makenzie wants you to do before you carry your next child.

If I offended you in anyway with my post, I apologize. I wish you nothing but the best :)

-Elizabeth Bergman

crystal said...

I wish I knew what to tell you but I don't. We never know what God's plan is and we will never understand why He does things or why He doesn't do them. I do know that He will answer our prayers, maybe not in our time but in His. I know that doesn't make you feel any better and I wish I could take the hurt away for you because I would. Praying for you!!!

Kristen's mom said...

This second year has been so much more difficult for me too. I didn't think that was even possible, because the first year hurt so much. I sat in Kristen's room and cried my eyes out today. I too am hoping for a better day tomorrow. Hopefully for you the third time will be the charm and baby will be on the way.

Melissa said...

DANG IT! I'm so sorry :( I know nothing will help until you find that positive test, it sure doesn't seem fair. I think you are perfectly entitled to your rants every now and then. Hang in there, (that positive test is just around the corner) fingers crossed for next time!

jill said...

Its ok everyone can have there days... love you kendra

Kerri said...

Oh Kendra, the last part of this blog entry makes me laugh. I've never lost a child but I can only imagine that all the emotions you are feeling are completely normal. I hope and pray that your hopes and dreams of having a little one in your arms again come true. I don't even know you but I know you deserve to have that baby you long for. Thanks for posting about your journey through all this. You seem like an amazing person.

Sara said...

Just a suggestion, but have you tried fertilityfriend.com and taking your temp at the same time every morning before standing up out of bed? I know its only been 2 cycles so far, but I'm praying for you! If you are still having trouble getting a positive after next month, you might want to consider "temping"--the ovulation tests are not as accurate as the other fertility signs and you only have a 24 hr window for success, so you might be missing your window. stay strong and dont feel guilty for feeling the way you do! :)

Robin said...

The biggest part of trusting God is to do it blindly. Not knowing what is in store for your future, and still choosing to follow and trust Him. He does hear you Kendra, He does.
You are entitled to feel the way you do today, and any day you want. You have been through a lot, and no one expects you to be all sugar and spice all of the time. Bitterness and anger are part of being human. You have feelings and thoughts and expressing them in your own way is what will help you heal.
We are here for you. You and Ryan are in my prayers!

Casey and Melissa said...

If it gives you any peace at all, I've felt this way EVERY single month since we began trying, and I don't have the same stresses to deal with! Trying to get pregnant... SUCKS!!! Those snotty-faced jerks who only have to share passionate eye contact to get knocked up? I HATE them! Completely irrationally, but with deep loathing, I despise them. It's a little like being a manic depressive, this whole situation. One month, I was three days late. I kept trying not to tell my husband, but he came home and offered me a glass of wine and I grinned and told him I maybe couldn't 'cause I was three days late. Walked into the bathroom literally three minutes later and guess what? NOT pregnant. Please, oh please, take solice in the fact that you're in good company in the very BEST of times, and you're every bit entitled not to be in the best of times. HANG IN THERE!

Karen said...

I am so sorry for all you have and are continuing to go through, I have been following your blog for a few years and your growth is amazing. I don't think you have any idea how many people you are reaching and helping by sharing your story. You are a beautiful soul. The Psalms are full of King David crying out to the Lord, both in joy and pain. Psalm 142:1-2 I cry out to the Lord with my voice; with my voice to the Lord I make my supplication. I pour out my complaint before Him; I declare before him my trouble.

Tiffany Ann said...

We have been trying for a baby for a year and i was so certain this month was it-and same as you i had a visitor 5 days early wtf?! I was so angry-my youngest is 4 and i have wanted another baby for what feels like forever! I am far less deserving than you and i want more than anything for you to be pregnant! I tried for 4 years for my first and i know the pain and anguish of everyone around you having baby showers and being pregnant and then having their second and third babies while i still had none...it hurts more than anyone will ever know! I wish you luck and pray for you! Stay strong! -Tiffany

kentklan.blogspot.com said...

You be mad and pissed off as much as you need to...even a little more than you need if thats what makes you feel better. Hard thing is is that you are a great person, you reak of goodness....so you feel silly for having "mean" days...you be as mean as you want...even if it is weeks....no one, not even people that have lost a child, feels exactly as you do...no one completely understands EVERYTHING that you are going through. You are doing awesome. You are in my continuous prayers, I wish I could ship Miss SoPhee (my naughty 3 year old) to you some times :) I think that she might take your need away from exhaustion for atleast 60 seconds :) You are an inspiration....be mad as hell sweetie! And the fact that you are still so thankful for your shoes.....made me smile. Good Luck Hon...heres to next month!

Brittney said...

You truly are amazing, I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose a child, but I am pretty sure if I did I would think and feel a lot like you do. Even though we have never met I think we would get along great. If I could have one wish for you...well obviously it would be a baby so the second wish would be that you could step out of yourself so that you could get an honest look at yourself, because then you would be able to see how amazing and strong and incredible you truly are. Hang in there I know you will be blessed with a baby, but I will keep praying for you.

Brittney said...

You are incredible, if I had one wish for you...well it would be for you to have a baby, but my second wish for you would be for you to be able to step outside of yourself so then you would be able to truly and honestly see yourself and see how strong and amazing you really are. Hang in there, I know you will be blessed with a baby, when Makenzie and her sibling have had their fill of fun your baby will come to you.

VALIE said...

Hey look, Kendra, everybody understands you. The pain, the frustration, the anger, the taking it out on the people closest to you - nobody is going to tell you off. I believe that we are all miserable that we cannot help.
You'll make it. One way or the other. Keep shouting on your blog, if it makes you feel better.

Ronja said...

Don't apologize for feeling that way, you do have every right to do so!! It is just so unfair that you lost your precious baby and that you aren't pregnant yet. But you will be soon, I am sure! You don't know me and I live half the World away, but I actually dreamed about your blog the other night, and read that you had two more children, a boy and then a girl. Weird, but I thought I'd still share that dream. I admire you for your strength! Keep celebrating Kenzie day. I will pray for your family. Greetings from Germany, Ronja

Kristy said...

After reading this last night I cried and cried and prayed so hard for you. I was hoping for good news when I checked your blog yesterday. Dang it! I'm so so sorry! I hope you feel a little better today and I hope you feel peace and comfort from our Heavenly Father. Please keep having faith and the answers will come. You are amazing!

brigette said...

Oh Kendra you have every right to have these thoughts and feelings. Grief is such a hard thing and then to add in the struggles of having another baby it just isnt fair. What I would do to get you and Ryan a baby. You guys are so deserving. Im sorry that seeing others children hurts... it just isnt fair. So pout and through a tantrum! You deserve it sometimes. Its better to work through the pain rather than trying to cover it up. Im still praying, wishing and hoping for you guys! Much love!!

Ryan*Kendra*Kenz said...

I really do have the best friends here! Thank you all for understanding my --- at times--- irrational rants. I think it's healthy for all of us to let it out. No matter how big or small something is. When it's in your life and happening to you- it's always huge! I know it's only round 2 and I can't expect to be fertile myrtle here. I just wanted the "perfect" senario. Ha. Yeah right. Well thank you all again for your support and sweet comments. Love y'all!

glenda said...

You have every right to your feelings. Praying that God hears you and gives you the little one you so deserve to have.
Peace and strength during this holiday season.

Heidi Manwell said...

Hi Kendra. I sort of blog-stalk you. Sorry! I am a single mom of four boys. Blessed, I am. I had a little talk with God this week, too. I asked him why it's okay that my boys don't have a father... at least one that gives a care in the world about them. I asked him why it's okay that I'm alone, doing this, trying and failing. I don't know much. I get angry, pretty much daily, at God. I ask Him "why" all the time, I think. I do know this, though, Kendra. He DOES know you, by name. He DOES hear you, every time. He DOES surround you with unseen angels every second of the day. He DOES love you. You ARE His daughter. And, I guess I am too. Life is not fair, I know. But, I can tell you that you are in the prayers of people you DO know, and SO MANY that you might never meet... It's never too late for happily ever after. Love, Heidi

Ryan & Amanda said...

You don't know me at all, but I love reading your blog about your beautiful daughter. I am mad for you. I don't think any parent should have to go through what you and others have had to do :(. It truly breaks my heart so you definitely don't need to apologize or justify your behavior. You are allowed to be mad, it isn't fair and knowing there is a reason behind everything and that Heavenly Father does hear you and does answer your prayers even if the timing is not what you want helps, but it still is not easy. I know it won't take MaKenzie's place, not even a little bit, but I hope you have another baby soon!!

Kelsi said...

Kendra I honestly ache for you! I can't imagine what you must be feeling! It's NOT FAIR! I wish this stupid life were fair! I will continue to pray and think of you and Ryan. I got my cook book this week and I cried when I tried to tell my husband what it was, And who you, Ryan, and Makenzie were. I really hope and pray that next month will be the one! Don't give up hope! Makenzie would not want you to give up! You are a beautiful deserving mother who deserves to hold a beautiful healthy baby in your arms again soon! Best wishes! Lots of love and prayers! Kelsi

Ashley Sullenger said...

Girl, let it out. It really does help. So sorry about not getting a positive on the test. Still praying for that. And way to tell them in the last paragraph. It made me laugh. Love ya.

Mindee & Austin said...

All I know is that Hevenly Father hears your prayers, thoughts, words, everything! He knows you and your needs, wants, desires of your hearts. Sometimes he waits to give you what your longing for till the last minute...till there is almost nothing left in your self, till your hanging on by a string. Then, a miracle happens. And somehow, it works out to be the most amazing, perfect timing. Hang in there girl, he knows you, he loves you..and I belive he is and always be there to listen, even if it doesnt seem like it.

Ashley said...

First - I'm so sorry that you have to live this life you've been given. Second - you are not alone in feeling the way that you do. My son's 2nd angelversary was ten times as hard as the 1st. I'm at the point where I hate the world and question God in just about every single way possible.

You'll continue to be in my prayers and I hope that me and you both can find the peace we're so desperately seeking.

Brianne said...

I can't even imagine your loss and have no experience to compare it to, but I think that you have absolutely every right in the world to feel that way.

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