Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Waiting.

I need to get to bed. I'm so tired. I haven't been sleeping well. But again I sit here, with the dog on my lap. Unable to get my mind to rest long enough to close my eyes and drift off to dreamland.
No dreamland here. Not lately. Last night I literally slept an hour total. I went to bed praying. I continued praying through the night. I would doze off then jerk away and keep praying. It was a night I kept staring at the clock waiting for morning. I didn't get up because I was hoping I would finally fall asleep and get a little rest. No luck. My mind is bouncing. Thinking about Makenzie. Hoping to get pregnant. Remembering how life was as a mom. Praying to be one again. Crying over what was. Crying over what is. Its exhausting. 2 years ago we had just been told our daughter's life was ending. We were trying to understand. Trying to make sense. Trying to know what to do next. 2 years later I sit here and feel those same things but for different reasons. For the child I pray to have soon. Its all so confusing. I don't understand it. What I know.

I miss my Makenzie. I cant begin to truly explain how big the gaping hole in my life is without her. I cant find the words to adequately describe the love I have for my daughter. I crumble. I want to be a Mom. Her mom. But knowing that will not happen for a very long time. I want her little brother or sister. I never understood the incredible hurt so many women feel who are trying to have a child. When you want it this bad--- Its everywhere. Every freaking person and their dog is pregnant. and there you are. Trying to pretend you're happy for them. Holding that new baby with a little resentment wondering why you don't get this. Everyone is fertile myrtle and popping out kids one after another. Then there you sit. Begging for one. Pleading for God to just let you be a parent. That you will do anything if you just get this simple request. You wait. Your life turns into a 28 day cycle. All you see is 1 or 2 lines on a gross pee stick. You think about it. You dream about it. That damn pee stick.
In just 7 days it will mark the day I lost my daughter. It was the day I lost the title Mom- here on earth. In heaven I will forever be her Mum. But here on earth. I have no child. My 2 1/2 year old never learned to sit up, crawl or walk. She never knew how to spell her name or what her colors are. I didn't show her everything I wanted to show her. I didn't read her all the books on her shelf. It was a life that was full. She did what she was suppose to do. and it was complete for her. But it was not complete for me. I was ready for forever. I was ready to raise that girl through the good and bad. I was holding onto every second I got with her unaware it was going to end so soon. How did it end? How is the most beautiful part of my life a memory. Something in my past. Something I will not get back. No matter what I do. How do I move forward? How do I learn to live again? Really live...
Where I am today is waiting. Waiting to be a Mum to a child here on earth and waiting to be a Mum to Makenize in heaven.
I guess I'm just tired of waiting. How do find the patience to wait a lifetime?




20 comments :

crystal said...

Kendra,
My heart is breaking for you. As I read your post and looked at Kenzie's pictures, tears began to fall down my face. I see how bad you want to be a mommy again and I am praying with you for God to bless you and Ryan with another little blessing. The greatest thing of all is knowing that you will always be a mommy to the sweetest Angel ever. MaKenzie is beautiful and the love that you have for her is amazing. I am keeping my faith that God is going to bless you with a baby. My status today was this: What is Faith? "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 ...So many times when we are praying, we lack faith. When we start putting all of our faith in God, then we will see miracles happen and people saved and prayers answered. I'm not giving up on Faith. "And Jesus answering saith unto them, Have faith in God. For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith." Mark 11:22-23... These scriptures are a promise from God about having faith. They give me peace and comfort!!! I fall so short in having faith, I always have that little bit of doubt but I am trying my hardest to learn to keep Faith. I know it's easier said than done. Thinking of you and sending up lots of prayers!!!

brigette said...

Finger,arms and toes crossed for you guys this time! ! Praying for you and ryan you so deserve this baby. You are amazing parents. The longing hurts and is so hard. Hugs mama!!

VALIE said...

Oh Kendra, how you are hurting. How can we help make it better, alleviate the pain ? You are a Mom, definitely. Only not able currently to put it into action. It will come, but I fully understand why the waiting is so bad, unbearable.
We think of you.

Laura said...

This has to be so difficult. I truly love reading your blog and appreciate your honesty.

The pictures of your sweet Makenzie are beautiful.

You will get the chance to be another baby's mother. The waiting must be awful. I cant even say that I understand, I cant try to understand, I've never been through what you've been through and what you're going through now. I've been praying for you and your family. I hope that you get your wish to be a mom again soon!

Sending love.

~Laura

Auntie EM said...

The waiting is so tough. I thought it would teach me patience but alas.......All these years later, I am still impatient about a lot of things. The missing is REALLY tough. I was told to "move on" "move forward" "get on with your life." At first, my problem was I wanted to move on but for some reason, I didn't know where to go!! Now, 3 years later, I have a plan and I know where I want the plan takes me. It is a hard road to travel [[alone]], but I know God is watching over me and He is watching over you and Ryan, too. I am a firm believer that things happen just the way they are supposed to. That does not make it easier for any of us that have to deal with loss or playing the waiting game. But, it helps me to know that God is mindful of us and loves us. He will see that we go through life experiencing those things that will make us grow, stretch ourselves, change us for the better, and in the end He will see that if we do all we can in this life, we will experience "unspeakable joy" in the next. You are making Makenzie proud each and every day. You have already accomplished many wonderful things and you will continue to do great things because of her life. She was and is an incredibly sweet and beautiful little girl and continues to love her parents more every day. I...miss...her. Love Aunt Mary

Emma said...

I don't understand and won't say I can even imagine what your pain, your loss, is like but I am so sorry. I am sorry Kenzie isn't in your arms, I am sorry her time here on Earth with you was so short, and I am sorry this process can't be an easy one. There is so much going on, so much on your plate, but you are doing it and doing it well! You are doing things for your sweet girl and don't ever, ever doubt that she feels your love-we can all feel it and I know she does too, always!
I know we can't take away the pain but I hope knowing so many people love you, love Kenzie and are praying for you and sending you love helps to ease even a tiny bit of it.
You are an incredible Mom and I can't wait until the day you can fully feel like one again-what a blessing a baby will be to hold again and what a blessing you and Ryan will be to them! Hugs, Em

Chantel said...

I'm so sorry. Having been through years and years of infertility treatmentts, I can understand that part of it. I know this doesn't mean anything now because the waiting and unknowing is so hard but someday it will be worth it. I hated when people used to tell me that but as I sit here with my 5 day old sweet little boy, I can tell you, he was worth the wait!!! I will keep you and Ryan in my prayers.

Presley & Charlotte Gleason said...

These pictures are so incredibly precious. So sweet. Her big expressive eyes. They must have talked to you though she was intubated. Her painted nails. The bottom one of her laying with her hands by her mouth. These are so real for me for all kinds of reasons-I cry looking at them, imagining what you must have been thinking and feeling. Kenzie will send you the most precious of angels down for you to raise. She will Kendra! I believe when we are done on earth and are back with Him, it will be yet a blink of an eye that we were here. This is the freaking longest blink ever. But reuniting with Kenzie will be glorious!!! Until then you get to raise her siblings. I hope that part can start soon....like in exactly 9 months from now?! ;)

Ryan,Erika,Kaylee and Khloe Pettersson said...

It kills me to see these pictures of Makenzie... I'm a mom of two and can't imagine what It was like to see her like this in the hospital every day.... I also went through a miscarriage after my first daughter was born and it was very painful emotionally. I still had a baby to hold and kiss though. And got pregnant the second try after that so I can not begin to imagine what you are going throug right now. I can feel your pain and pray my hardest for you so you can finally get what your heart is crying for. I want so badly for you to get that positive pregnancy test, to hold a brand new baby in your arms, your baby, to change a stinky diaper and to wake up and 3 am to feed a crying baby, because I know you would cherish every single second of it all. You wouldn't mind having circles under your eyes because you didn't get enough sleep, or being in your jamies until 4 pm because you didn't have time to shower. That's what being a mom is all about and there is nothing better than that. I really hope this time works for you two, because you'll be the best mom and dad to this beautiful baby that is waiting up there for you :). Good luck Kendra. Hugs!! ( I wish I could give you a big one )

Alex and Sarah said...

Kendra- I'm so sorry. I know that waiting game all too well. It took us almost 8 years before we were placed with our miracle boy. All that waiting takes a toll on you. You see pregnancy all around you and those not appreciating the biggest blessings that can ever be asked for. It is hard to hold on to your faith.

I remember one particular night that I prayed for the burden to be lifted from me. I prayed earnestly for the desire of having children be taken from me because it was so painful. It was a low point in my life. I remember thinking of Jesus in the Garden asking Heavenly Father for the great burden to be lifted from him. I saw that story in a completely different light. Here was a perfect being with perfect faith who could hardly bare what he had to do. Then the realization that His burden wasn't lifted from Him either. He prayed and His request wasn't given. This wasn't because he didn't have faith. This is the story I go back to when I have hard days and unanswered prayers.

I'll keep praying for you guys and that you get to be a mommy soon.

Melissa said...

I am sitting here with tears running down my face and CONSTANT prayers for you, Ryan and Makenzie! Though I have not been through the loss, I have been through the infertility, Miracles happened for me three times over, I am SURE they will happen for you as well. You have such a good heart! Please do not let the world convince you that you are not a mom. YOU are the mom of an ANGEL! YOU are a MOM. I know we are strangers, but I am PLEADING with my Heavenly Father to let your mommy dreams come true. If not right now, hopefully soon. There is nothing like waiting with empty arms for a baby you want so badly. Like I said, I have been down that road and came out of it with three beautiful children, I have to believe the same will happen for you, and you have a sweet little helper! Please keep your chin up mama!

The Clingo Family said...

Praying for you!! I truly hope you see those double lines soon :-)

Your little Makenzie is beautiful.

The Clingo Family said...

Praying for you!! Hope you see those double lines soon :-)

Your little Makenzie is beautiful.

Jennie said...

My heart breaks for you. I lost my daughter in August, because of complications from the pregnancy/delivery I almost lost my uterus in the process. My heart breaks for you and the huge trials you are facing right now. It definitely compounds the grief that is already there. I will be praying for you. Your story touches me.

Ryan*Kendra*Kenz said...

Thank you SO much for the mass amounts of prayers and support. It's better today. I have to remember what many of you say. God is aware and knows me. He has a plan and I need to trust him. Love you all!

The Akers said...

I am in tears reading your post. Praying for you!!

Rafahi Family said...

You are still a mom on earth! Your baby girl is with you in spirit Kendra. I know she is happy that you remember her and love her more than ever. I am keeping you and your husband in our prayers. I really hope that things work out for you in the best way.

Shawna said...

Prayers for you!

Alesha said...

I so feel that same way. That is my constant question. A lifetime is so long. I want to be with my baby now. I sound like a little kid. :) I hope and pray things work out for you. And soon. You already have enough to wait for, hopefully you wont have to wait too long for this. :)

Robin said...

Kendra, I hope and pray you are doing ok while you wait. God has a plan for you and Ryan. Everything will happen in His time. I am praying for you to feel God's love and comfort in this hard time between knowing what is going to happen with your life. He hears your prayers and He knows your heart. Hang in there, be strong, and patient. Your little one's birth date is already planned out. The days just need to match up now.
Do you think our babies are in Heaven before they come to us on Earth? Maybe your little one is just spending some time with Kenzie before coming to you and Ryan. Praying for you always!

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