Friday, December 30, 2011

Makenzie's Christmas

I hope Christmas in Heaven was the most perfect Christmas ever.
I can only imagine how Beautiful it was. 
I wonder what in the world a celebration for Jesus would be like. Do they serve food? Do you even eat in Heaven? I hope so.. I cant imagine not being able to eat a steak :) 
Do they decorate? What games do they play? Do they sing and dance? 
I know whatever it is.
Its nothing any of us could imagine. Its bigger.
I wish I could peak in on her. I wish I could check to make sure she was to bed on time. That she was eating enough. That she was enjoying her nightly baths. Wondering how she would look. What would she love? Would she have a favorite toy. I wish I could just make sure she really is doing as amazing as I dream she is doing. I can only imagine. I just pray. 

We did the decorating, presents and hugs and kisses.


























Merry Merry Christmas my little Love.
I pray you had a wonderful day and gave Jesus extra kisses. Thank him for everything he has done and for giving us this day. For everyone to remember him. To realize he life we live and will continue to live is because of him. Kenzie please tell Jesus I am not mad at him anymore. It has taken me a long time. Too long. Tell him I am sorry for blaming him. I know this life was chosen. He did all he did to save her. To make it so she wouldn't have to suffer any more. 
I miss you Makenzie. More than anyone could ever be missed. What I have learned is what I miss most is the love we had together. I miss you physically- so so much. But I miss what my heart would feel when you were here. I miss loving you that much. My love has not gone away. But with every bit of love, there is a little bit of hurt. Because this love I feel, is never ending. But its a love I have to send. Its a love I have to give to my daughter that I will not ever see again in this lifetime. I will never feel. I will never kiss. I am so thankful for what you gave me. As hard as any day ever is, I would never give up that life because that life- was the best life. and that Love. Is a love I will never feel for anyone else. 
Merry Christmas Muffin.
I love you to the moon.

8 comments :

Mary said...

It is okay when you were angry with God. He gave us that emotion. He cries along with you and He hears you. My wish and prayer for you and Ryan is that you will have a baby to hold in your arms by Christmas next year. I can not take away your pain, but I can pray for you everyday that you soon will be carrying Mackenzie's little sister or brother. Your sweet little girl was right there with you as you brought her all the precious Christmas gifts. You and Ryan are such loving, wonderful parents. Your courage is an inspiration to more people that you could imagine. I pray for peace and comfort for you in the coming year dear one. Lots of love to you in the coming New Year.

Toni ~ Mom to 8 heavenly Angels and 1 earthly Angel. said...

You are an amazing Mom! The other day my Princess asked if we could go to the Jakob, Jeneh, Lynli and Deke’s graves and open the presents that Santa left for them. She was sooo excited to see what He had left for them, how do you explain to a 5 year old that Santa doesn’t visit cemeteries? (((Hugs))

Mindee & Austin said...

Kendra you guys did such a beautiful job decorating Makenzies site, its lovely and the tree is really cute. Im sure she had an amazing Christmas up there, better than anyone could ever imagine! I bet she was looking down on you guys and smiling..your a stong person, and reading your blog for a while now, youve grown even stronger! Keep hanging in there, The Lord and Makenzie are with you always!

Amanda said...

You and Ryan just amaze me with your strength and the love you have. Makenzie's Christmas looked beautiful! ((hugs))

mrslill said...

My dad told me about a story he saw on the new on Christmas day. When he told me it gave me chills and almost brought a tear to my eye! It's about a little boy who went to heaven and at the age of four he told his family about it.
http://www.whnt.com/news/whnt-whnt-news-19-special-report-heaven-is-real-20110223,0,3849308.story
After reading this blog post it made me think of this. Maybe it will bring some comfort to know what it was like for this little guy.
Hope 2012 brings you the little one waiting for you in heaven!!

mrslill said...

My dad told me about a story he saw on the new on Christmas day. When he told me it gave me chills and almost brought a tear to my eye! It's about a little boy who went to heaven and at the age of four he told his family about it.
http://www.whnt.com/news/whnt-whnt-news-19-special-report-heaven-is-real-20110223,0,3849308.story
After reading this blog post it made me think of this. Maybe it will bring some comfort to know what it was like for this little guy.
Hope 2012 brings you the little one waiting for you in heaven!!

blessed2012 said...

I don't know you, but I pray for you. You are a great mommy. <3

Robin said...

Kendra, Makenzie is celebrating in style! You're right, we can not even begin to imagine the beauty that Heaven holds. All I know is Makenzie gets to live it every single day. She is on the Almighty's lap and I can't think of anything more amazing. You will be together again, I know you know it. You will dance with her, and rock with her, walk hand in hand, and laugh like it will never end...and it won't! Eternity is forever, and you and Ryan and Kenz will spend forever, together. Her special spot is beautiful as always. She is so loved! I wish nothing but the best for you and Ryan in the year 2012. May God shower you both with glorious blessings from above! Praying for you always!

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