unlike any- old- regular- kind of love

needed our mommy daughter time.

hate that its here.

i laid there.

my head on her head stone.

i talked to her.

had her listen to some new songs that i found.

i love them.

they speak to me and they have perfect meaning.

funny how music can do that.

put things into better words and feelings than you could ever express.

it was the first time in days that i felt okay.

all i want is to be okay.

i am not asking to be where i once was- that will never happen.

i just want to feel i can still live.

i want to continue breathing.

its so hard.

i have asked myself lately-

how is it possible that after 4 months 3 weeks and 4 days I'm this much effected by someone.

i have always been so stand off-ish. i don't let everyone in. not until i know they are staying.

with her. it was so different. during my pregnancy i wasn't one of those mommy's that was over the moon about this little person inside them. don't get me wrong, i was so excited and happy but i was always so worried because i never really felt a "connection" with her. i didn't know her face or her hands. i didn't know what she would look like or smell like. she was this little alien rolling around in me and i was just ready for her to be out so i could have a new little toy to play with.

funny how the moment i saw her she stole my heart. my life. my everything.

it didn't take but a second.

i had a counseling appointment last night, we were talking about things and i said

i could have helped how much i loved Makenzie if i knew our time would be so short. i said i wouldn't have let myself fall that in love. i would have loved her but not to the extent i do now.

on my way home i broke down because i realized how stupid that statement was.

it was totally out of my hands.

i never ever for one second had control over my love for her.

she completely owned me.

she captured every love string i had. she made me love, a whole new love that i never knew excised.

how silly of me.

to think i could have controlled how deeply in love i am with her.

the love is so deep. so powerful. i felt like anything was possible. there was no limits with her. i would have done anything and everything to give her the world. to give her all the love in the world.

i hope i gave her enough love in her lifetime.

i know i have never loved like that. and. i don't think ill ever love like that again. it was precious. it was rare. even if more children come into the picture they will never have her love.

theirs will still be great and powerful but it wont be like hers.

i don't think many know this level of love. I'm blessed to have felt it. to have loved someone this much.

in 4 months 3 weeks and 4 days my life was given a whole new meaning. a whole new purpose. and in that time i was given a lifetime. so i have asked how this could have effected me so much. and the answer- because it wasn't like any other kind of love. it wasn't like any other kind of gift. it was one in a billion.

it is one in a lifetime.

so that's why its so hard. that's why it still feels like yesterday. that's why i still cant breathe, i still cant live. because to have that level in your arms. to experience it everyday, then all the sudden its gone- there are no words. there is nothing to say because most will never understand. you have to have felt it to know.

love is not a big enough word for what i fell for my daughter.