Thursday, July 8, 2010

pitty party

Do you ever have those days where you just want to play a hand full of sad songs, grab a drink and wollow away in your own misery?!  I'm there. The past few days. Its really annoying. I hate being here. In this place where I'm just mad. Not at anyone in particular, not at anything other than the obvious. I'm just sad, depressed and feeling so very alone. I hate waking up because everyday I have to keep reminding myself I am real, this life is real, these trials are real and I need to live today.  I need to take a deep breath and move. Its annoying. I want to curl up in bed, cry and never get out.
NO... What I really want- is to wake up to a screaming little girl down the hall.
Oh how I miss her. Its so physical. So deep. So hard.

This event. Is so good yet so not good. Its distracting me from facing reality. It helps me live in a world where I get to pretend- I focus on other things. I am so dedicated, so motivated, so annal about everything. Its consumed my life. Everyday. If I'm not doing something for it, writing emails, making crafts, writing lists, calling people- I lose my mind. I am forgetting about other things in life- which is now feeling the effects and suffering. My husband.
If I stop and "smell the roses" Ill break. I feel I cant breathe, I feel I want to give up, I just want to hide. So I keep going- at 100 MPH. Never resting. I cant. My mind races all day until my body is to physically exhausted and I collapse into that soft polka dot blanket and pretend its something else touching me.
I'm feeling the effects of summer. Reminded what I was doing this time last year.
Preparing for her. The countdown was on. I was huge, uncomfortable and so ready for her. So ready for a life time with my daughter. I was hot, I was wanting to swim, I was ready to go on walks, camp, and play with this new person who would be soon entering and changing our lives. Now where am I? Planning an event- an event that is 10x bigger than my wedding. An event to honor the person who should be here. To help raise awareness and money for a stupid disease that I hate with a passion. I hate that it took her. I hate that I carry this dumb mutation in my genes. I hate that Ryan does to. I hate that it took her life. It made her suffer. I hate it. All of it.

For the first time-
the last few days I have had to slap myself when I start thinking this thought- it keeps coming back, everyday, it keeps creeping in my mind.
---i killed my daughter---
(don't comment on that, i know what you will say)
is that a totally irrational thing to think? yes.. i know that... but it doesn't stop me from thinking it.
it doesn't stop me from knowing i have carried this dumb gene around my whole life, that i carried my beautiful daughter around for 9 months with her poor little body infected and brought her into this world to face that reality. to have those challenges. to endure those struggles. i did do that. i didn't knowingly do it but i did it. and. I'm mad at myself. why??  because.

I'm still here. she isn't. why didn't it effect me instead of her? how did Ryan and i wind up together
1 in 50,000 are carriers... how did we fall into those odds? how did Makenzie then fall into the 1 in 4 chance of her even having the disease? we hit every odd that was thrown at us. I'm sorry but i just don't believe everything is suppose to happen. i just don't think there was a purpose for my daughter to lose her life. i know many believe that. i used to. i just cant with this. i just cant believe it.

am i being selfish- yes, do i see how irrational I'm being- yes. but today i don't care.
i miss her so much.

i want to make a difference in her name. i don't care if anyone knows me, i want them to know her. she is the reason I'm doing anything. i don't believe her journey was suppose to end so soon. i think she was suppose to do so much more in life. so now- what other choice do i have but to do it for her. and.
I'm doing it with honor.
to carry her name, to show people a different way to look at life, to tell people about these amazing children who have to live through this pain and that they do it with a smile.
they are hero's. my daughter is a hero.

this pitty party I'm having- i hope will go away soon. i don't like it. i don't like feeling like this. but i think i need it. i need to feel this hurt, this raw pain. to remember my daughter. to then sit back and realize its nothing compared to what she went through. i then love her more. and more. and more. every time it happens. i don't know how she did it. i don't understand why she held on so long- for me?! for her dad?! for her family?! she did so much, more than i could have ever asked her to do.
i wish i could show you all how amazing she is. i wish i could show you what she did everyday. you had to have been there. seen her breathing, seen her strength, seen her smile.
oh how she would warm up a room.

i just love her. more than i ever thought i could love.

i am glad I'm doing this event. i cant begin to express how much gratitude i do have towards everyone who is helping. i know many are praying for us, many are thinking of us and many many many of you know of makenzie. thank you for that. it does help. i do see it. i read every email, every comment and i feel every hug. thank you for knowing her name- that's what matters more than anything. thank you for letting her help your life. thank you for allowing us into your world.
I'm sorry I'm having a pitty party. if you want to hear happy upbeat news- go to livingformrw.blogspot.com
i only write fun happy things there. because... its a fun happy event that will benefit a lot of deserving people.

5 comments :

Stacey said...

Hang in there. My heart breaks for you. Everything you're feeling makes sense because you're human and hurting over a loss no one should ever have to feel. And her birthday is coming up so I totally get why you're having a tougher time today.
Anyway, just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and praying for you.
{hugs}

Anonymous said...

I'll bet everyone who knows and loves you would give a part of themselves to take away the sadness, pain, and hurt from you. There are so many why's in life so all we can do at this point is hope for a better day, new memories to sustain us, relish the joys that come our way and hope for a cure for SMARD..... Kenzie was (and still is) an amazing little person - her eyes were so wise and knowing. She knows you love her Kendra and she knows she will NOT be forgotten because you and Ryan won't let that happen. None us will let that happen. I love you and hope the love will give you some comfort today. Your Auntie M

Emma said...

As a parent, and I think especially as a mother, we have a protective instinct over our children that is indescribable. We will do anything in our power to heal their hurts, protect them from hurt, pain, injury, illness etc and it is an overwhelming, innate feeling that comes with motherhood. When we can't 'fix' them, take away their pain, etc we feel another indescribable feeling-guilt....rational or not, we do. Even in situations where we have no control, we did all we could do to help them, make things better, happier, more comfortable, etc we have an overwhelming guilt complex in us-so what you are feeling is totally understandable. It doesn't make it any less painful, frustrating etc but you are an amazing Mom, a loving Mom, Kenzie's perfect Mom...so I can understand even though you know 'rationally' there was nothing more you could do than you did that you feel this way-because you just love her and miss her so much. You did do all you could do, loved her and continue to just as she needs and were there for her, you were her voice, every step of the way.

These days are needed, to feel the pain, work through some new thoughts, questions and feelings etc.. I know you will do that in your time.
I can only imagine how all-consuming this event is, and how it would be easy to let it overtake some of the pain. Kenzie knows you are doing it for her, in her honor and I know it will be amazing-just try to remember and take care of you (I know, doesn't seem important and if you can't do it for yourself then do it for Kenzie and Ryan, they love you so much).
Kenzie will never be forgotten. I didn't even get the privilege of meeting her and I will still never forget her and think of her, and her wonderful parents, every day.
Hugs on these tough days, Em

Alerie said...

Again I am writing this through many many tears. Kendra I am so sorry you are in this trial. I wish this was not yours, really I wish this was not anyone's trial. All of your feelings are totally normal no matter if they are irrational or not. You feel everything you need to feel, question everything you need to, it is ok. No one can tell you otherwise. Oh how I wish I could just sit there and give you a BIG hug in person. I would let you have your pitty party and we could watch girl movies and each eat our own 1/2 gallon of ice cream. I know that would not take any of your pain away, but I would hope that it would give you a little bit of fun. Just know that I am thinking of you and Ryan always and you are always in my prayers. Hold each other a little tighter these next days. Much love!!

p.s. - your whole family is amazing!! You, Ryan and Makenzie!! The 3 of you together are doing amazing things!!

brigette said...

Kendra im so sorry!! I hate that you have to go through this pain and suffering. Its so not fair. You say it all so well though.I have days like this that I wonder the same thing about Kael. I feel the same way just wanna lay in bed and cry listening to songs that remind me of him and then kick myself for not being able to make him better. Its a crappy crappy place to be. Reach out to people we are here to help!! You are doing an amazing job with this event. Im sure Kenzie is so proud of you and beaming with joy in heaven!! You truly are amazing!!

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