Monday, July 12, 2010

still

We are in a routine.
Keeping busy, not stopping to breathe, not stopping to think.
The day is creeping up. The day she blessed our lives.
The most amazing day.
I wonder what life would be if things were different.
Would we have taken her on a trip this summer?
Would she be walking yet?
What would her first word be?
What would her smile look like?
What would be now?
I'm overjoyed at the life she gave me.
I just miss her
I forever will.
I'm trying to keep positive. I'm trying to find the joy and happiness instead of dwelling on the sad and missing.
I had to get out of the house yesterday. I found myself without thinking- going into Makenize's room to change her diaper. I have no idea where that came from. Why is that still my first instinct?
Her.
The mothers instinct? I haven't been a "MOM" for 7 months.
Does this "mothers instinct" ever go away?
Maybe never, because I will always be her mother. Even if she isn't here.
Strange.
Soo very complicated.
The questions never get easier,
the awkward tripping over my words when someone asks about children is only getting more intense.
Sometimes I say she is almost 1 but then I get more questions like,
oh isn't that a fun age, what kinds of things is she doing now?
So I then stick to her being 4.5 months but then people ask when she was born. I'm not good with math so I never know what day she was born in those instances.
I still cant, and don't want to, and don't think its any ones business to tell every person who asks that my daughter is not with me, but in heaven.
Mainly because- its weird, they don't know what to say or they say something really dumb and hurtful.
It takes time.
Its fresh- new- so very raw.
But I'm impatient.
I want to enjoy my memories, I want to melt into her pictures and videos, I want to smile at the thought of her. I don't want to cry, start losing my breath, feeling anger, getting hot and wanting to run every time the thought, image, or name resembling her comes up.
I'm still achy, still numb, still feel I'm living in a nightmare.
I still go to bed with tears in my eyes,
I still turn to Ryan and say how I missed her today.
I still beg God every night to let me dream of her.
I plead with everyone I know that is in Heaven with her to please hold her.
I still whisper my unconditional love to her.
Every night. Everyday.


I wanted to post these pictures just because. This was Thanksgiving 09.
The first day the reality really hit me. I couldn't dress her in that Thanksgiving outfit I bought.

11 comments :

Alerie said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers as her birthday is approaching and the Live, Laugh, Breathe Event is coming up. You are amazing!! BIG hugs and much love!!

Satterlees said...

Look at those beautiful eyes. I love her! You're doing awesome mama, you are stronger than you know. You have done so much for her, as she has done for you. I'm sure she's got a gang of girls rockin those leg warmers, and I'm sure she's telling everyone "My moms cooler than yours" You are beautiful, your words are beautiful and although I don't know you to well, I'm so proud of you too. Hang in there xoxoxo

Emma said...

Those eyes, those incredible, deep, beautiful eyes.....they say so much and they show the love she feels, completely.

I have no words to ease the pain, but know you are in my thoughts everyday but especially as Kenzie's birthday approaches and Live,Laugh,Breathe is almost here. You are doing incredible, and I know Kenzie will help you when you need more strength.
Hugs,Em

Andrea said...

You are so amazing to be doing all that you are doing. You are doing a great job!! Those are gorgeous pictures of her. Having reality hit really sucks but you as the day approaches you will feel her close by and know that you mean so much to her.
HUGS!!!

Our Little Family said...

I found your blog through a blog of a blog of a blog... I can't remember where it started! But, it's now 2:20am and I have been reading it for hours. I'm sitting here crying and just aching for you. I know that I don't personally know you, but please know that I'm praying for you. Makenzie is beautiful, you are amazing and I thank you for sharing your story.
Jill

Jessica and Reecey said...

I know I'm like the 4th person to say this, but I LOVE Kenzie's eyes. She is such a beautiful girl. Thanks again for being such a wonderful mother and inspiring woman.

brigette said...

Once again reading through tears! So much of what you say I can relate to but you say it better!! You are perfectly normal. Some days will get easier other days are harder than hell. Your sweet Kenzie is so precious. We sent balloons to out Kael the other day and sent a pink one for Kenzie. Dont pressure yourself you need to go through every emotion you are. You are amazing dont forget that!! Sending much love

Jenni said...

Thinking of you!!!

TMI Tara said...

Oh, Kendra, those eyes of hers. Of course you still want/need to take care of her. You ARE a mom. You are forever a mom, and an amazing one at that. What you are going through is unbelievably hard. I have no advice, no suggestions. I only know that you have Kenzie with you so I hope you feel that and it brings you comfort from time to time.

I'm so excited to celebrate her life, but it is most definitely bittersweet. I wish there were more we could do. My heart truly breaks for you.

Love you.

Andrea said...

Hi Kendra,

I found your blog from 5 questions. I love what you are doing with the babylegs and carrying on your daughter's mission. Makenzie is so beautiful and so are you. I hope that as her birthday is approaching you'll find comfort from her and know there are so many people praying and thinking about you. thank you for sharing your story and being an inspiration to me.
-andrea

Kayli Cragun said...

I just wanted to wish Makenzie a very happy 1st birthday. Sorry I have a family obigation that kept me from attending Makenzie's carnival. I would have loved to have met you. Sending birthday wishes with lots of love to Kenzie, You, and Ryan. Thinking of you on this important day.
XOXO
Kayli

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