Monday, July 26, 2010

homesick

do you remember when you were younger and had a sleepover at a friends house. around bedtime you would start to get sick and miss your parents and want to go home. usually someone would pick you up/ take you home and you would fall asleep feeling warm and comforted because you are right where you belong.  i remember this feeling.
i have been feeling this again.
longing to be home.
scared. uncomfortable. alone.
i thought it would get better after the event and our trip but last night and today have been much worse.
so much worse.
im not home.
my home is with this girl.


in my arms.


im uncomfortable.
i feel i need to call "home" and have someone come pick me up.
i need to go home and snuggle into my bed and feel peace.
but.
i cant. never. there is no place to go.
.trapped.
wanting to run but no place to run.
it hit me.
in the car.
i could barely keep my car on the road.
i ran inside.
i ripped apart my house to find the cord.
i laid there.
watched her.
cried
screamed
yelled because i just want my daughter
asking to please let me come home
it was hours
laying there
watching every single video i have
watching her
breathe
smile
laugh
move
sleep
blink
squeak
explore
swim
bathe
kick
suck
live
missing every second
missing my home
missing my life
missing living

im sick
homesick

10 comments :

Andrea said...

Keeping you in my prayer.

Cox Family said...

Praying for you Kendra!

Alerie said...

I am so sorry Kendra!! You are in my prayers. Sending LOTS of BIG hugs!! Much love!!

Anonymous said...

I went to West too and have been following your blog for awhile, just wanted to send you a hug <333 I am so sorry for what you have to go through. I really look up to you!

The Chach said...

Kendra,

Sounds like me and you had a similiar night praying to go home. I am sorry you have to feel this way and I wish I could make it better for you but I haven't figured it out yet myself. Take care and take comfort in those around you who love you more than words can explain.

Love, Chels

Emma said...

There are no words but know I am thinking of you and sending you hugs and so much love. Em

TMI Tara said...

So sorry my friend. Your words are so eloquent and lovely about such a tragic and sad subject. Hoping you will feel Kenzie and all the angels coming to get you and bring you peace when you call for Help. Praying for you every day. xo

Jae Marie said...

I have read your blog from start to finish after coming across dear Kenzie's blog. Her blog too.

I have not known the pain of losing a child, although I did lose my fiance almost 8.5 years ago. I know the pain of losing someone that held your heart inside their body.

There is never going to be anything that anyone can say or do to bring you comfort. It will never stop hurting, but in time you will learn to live with the pain and as it becomes a part of who you are, you will hurt less. You will, eventually, be okay.

You are still fresh on your journey to healing. I hope nobody in your life asks you to "move on" or to stop mourning. It took me years to be able to talk about him without tears in my eyes, and even now still some days I do cry or my eyes well when I think or speak of him.

But I am not crying every day. The feeling of helplessness, like trying to carry water in your palms, has gone away. It only resurfaces occasionally.

The first months after losing him I had days like this. I had days where I couldn't get up. Where I couldn't move. Where I couldnt find comfort or solace anywhere. & that is okay. Please, never be ashamed to mourn your loss. It is unfair for a parent to have to bury a child. It is unfair for such a precious life to be swept away so abruptly. But be comforted in knowing your Angel is free and happy and not in any pain.

She completed her arduous journey in 4.5 months. Some of us will spend almost 100 years on our journey. Kenzie has found pure joy and freedom long before us. & she loves you. She is with you and she doesn't want you to hurt for her. Although she does understand that you will have to go through this pain to find the other side.

I admire your tenacity. I admire your determination to continue her memory in doing good for others.

I will continue to pray for you and Ryan. I will continue to visit and wrap my virtual arms around you. I will help in any way that I can in the future.

Mourn. & Love Her. & Mourn some more. Every week will be a little easier...the bewilderment of the situation wont knock you down as much soon. But it will take time.

Continue to write. It was the most freeing thing I could do. Crying and writing and talking to him.

Her mark has been left in this world. Find peace and joy in that.

<3

Anonymous said...

Jae Marie says wise words about mourning the loss of a loved one and the grieving process, whatever the loss may be. I know how hard it is hard to live in the same house, have the same furniture, see the same surroundings but yet be so homesick for that person who made the "house" a home. I love you, Ryan, and Kenzie. She is so proud of her parents and loves you still. Remember the love never ends or goes away. I am proud of you and Ryan, too. {{HUGS}} Auntie M (Mary)

The House that James Built said...

kendra--i love you girl. no one can imagine the spot you and ryan are in. i hoped too the event would help, would heal... it was spectacular. a birthday to remember.

you are fabulous. just absolutely fabulous.

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