4 years

November 16 2006

our wedding day

we had a small ceremony at the church I grew up by.

we had a bigger reception after.

we were showered with

love, gifts, advice, jokes, pictures, hugs...

it was an amazing day.

there were no nerves *at least by me*

the day was not stressful and we enjoyed every second.

to know i was going to trap marry this amazing man,

i couldn't have been more excited.

I cant seem to find my wedding discs so you will have to settle with the few photos I could find in my albums.

Here is me with my nieces and nephews (there is at least twice that amount now)

then there is a cake in the face shot.

we spent our wedding night at the most beautiful hotel, in my opinion

- the little america -

i absolutely adored it.

so for anniversary #1 we had to go back to the same place.

we spent our 1st anniversary at this place enjoying room service

 in the most comfortable bed on earth.

anniversary #2 was a little different.

we had gone to vegas for the PBR finals the week before

so we kinda counted that as our little escape for our anniversary celebration.

* we went to vegas, came home and took a pregnancy test- positive, so that anniversary was pretty exciting*

anniversary #3 was spend with the best thing that has ever happened to us and to our marriage.

we had our beautiful little muffin to share our day with.

we had been so busy trying to figure out what was wrong with our little nut that we didn't really plan anything for #3. the only thing on the agenda was to get family pictures taken for our christmas card.

we went to liberty park with our amazing photographer and captured some of the most treasured pictures we have.  ms. makenzie was so not happy this day. she was fussy, not eating, cold- just plain miserable.

we kept the photo shoot short.

between pictures, we would wrap up our lovie in a blanket to keep her warm.

after our cold park adventures we headed to one of our favorite places to eat - red lobster.

kenzie finally ate and got nice and toasty warm.

let me tell you, its very tricky to hold your little girl, feed her and crack open your crap legs.

good thing my trusty side kick was there for help - he did the cracking

we came home and attempted to get some shots of makenzie and harley.

harley was originally suppose to come take family pictures with us but since kenzie was so fussy that day i wanted to focus all our attention on her and not deal with the dog as well.

lets just say- its a good thing we didn't bring harley because makenzie was not into pictures with her puppy.

but she was fine with a family-op where she could watch harley from a safe distance.

that night we spent snuggled on the couch with

dada+mom+kenzie+harley+aunt jilly

we had a little to much fun dressing harley in kenzies clothes.

unfortunately...

november 16

also marks the last day makenzie was home.

it was the last night she slept in her bed.

it was the last morning we did our routine.

it was the last snuggle in bed.

it was the last.

november 17 was the day our baby checked into primarys.

this year was spent battling between trying to celebrate and trying not to break down every other second.

we had a plan for the day but canceled it all last minute thinking we just couldn't ignore what was in our face.

we couldn't- not know what today was.

although we are so in love, so blessed, so thankful to have one another.

we spent the night incorporating our missing link.

the best part of who we are.

we grabbed balloons, toys, and wind mills and headed to her.

it was ridiculously cold, windy and wet.

we stayed as long as possible before we literally froze to death.

after we,

stopping at a really yummy burger joint to grab some food to go,

went home,

watched reba,

took a shower to get warm,

then decided to whip out the videos.

*i guess we just wanted to really wallow away in that missing*

we first watched our wedding video

it was funny because we kept comparing my baby pictures to ryans to kenzies.

we both think she got some strong features of both of us.

after the wedding video we watched our kenzie video that played at her funeral.

we sat there in silence for a while after it ended.

it was hard to move.

seeing our lives play in pictures/videos within 45 minutes.

seeing what was, was is now and wondering what will come next.

after milo threw up all over me,

 we got up and made banana boats.

we also made a "anniversary bucket list"

we wrote down what we want to accomplish by year 5 and by year 10.

it turned out to be a smaller list than we both thought.

ha. guess we should get some more dreams and goals right!

after filling our tummy's with fattening treats we totted off to bed.

we cried.

prayed.

held each other,

then fell asleep to rehab- party at the hard rock.

*seriously- what a way to end the night*

For my Ry Pie,

I couldn't imagine a better partner. He is everything good. He is my reason. He is my strength. I turn to him. He knows me better than I know myself. I want to grow, mature and become a better person for not only Makenzie but for Ryan to.  He is what gets me up. He is what I crumble into. He listens, he loves and he is so incredible in every way.

I thank God for putting him in my life.

I thank Makenzie for showing me a whole new side of her daddy.

I thank his parents for raising the most loving, hard working, full of life man.

I thank him for choosing me. For waking up for me. I thank him for standing by my side.

I thank him for giving me my every joy. Ryan you are my all.

rambling about 2 years ago.

November 13 2008 we got the results.
It was positive.
I jumped up and down.
Ryan was more controlled and mellow.
We were both ecstatic.
We were going to be parents.
I was going to grow big and fat.
We were both convinced it was a boy.
I think about that day 2 years ago. Who we were then to who we are now. Oh how we have changed.
How life is lived and looked at in such a different way.

I want to write a happy uplifting positive post. I want to be one of those people who help others in a powerful way. I want to show people you can go through hard things and come out of it. Still there. Not only do I want to write this kind of post, I so badly want to live it. 
Those positive days do happen more. Those hard days are starting to cease just a little. I feel I'm making progress. But not like I want to. 
I want to dream about my baby being in the amazing place she is.
I want to imagine the day ill get to see her again.
I want to breathe with ease.
I want to Thank God everyday for her life.
I want to smile.
I'm trying, everyday to do this. I am doing things in life that will allow me to really feel this instead of just putting on a happy face for others. I'm really trying to get into this state of mind. I'm doing better with it. Slowly.
But then that wall comes. Out of no where. I hit it. With full force.
I go back to that fragile state. I just miss. I don't want to keep going. I don't want to think positive. I just want to go back. I just want to hold her. How can I just get there. Can I just get out of this body, this frame of mind for a minute to be with her. Those fingers. Please just let me hold those fingers. Please just let me kiss that face.  How can I continue with life, live, and smile with this missing in the back of my head all the time.
I want to give up this need to understand. It will never happen, not now at least.  I will never have a perfect understanding of why our daughter. 

This weekend I was really hit with the reality that I knew was coming but didn't want to admit.
She isn't here anymore.
There are no more new stories to share.
There are no more pictures to take.
There is no more advice to be given.
There is no future to plan. 
I knew this happened. I knew this would happen, I knew it was already happening. But admitting it is another thing. To say to yourself that you have seen every picture there is to see of your daughter and you will never get another again is something I couldn't tell myself until now.
There will soon be no more Kenzie Days, no more leggings, no more new scrapbooks, no more new videos. People will go back to life.
Will they miss her- of course- but they have to keep progressing. I never understood how powerful this 'world crashing around you' could be. I never realized the world really does stop for some. At least you feel like it. Then you wake up and its almost been a year. Almost been a year since you last held your baby.
Its been 2 years since my life changed forever. Somehow I thought those closest to us would keep their life on hold as well. They wouldn't keep going because we weren't. Kinda crazy right?!
Its only because I haven't fully been able to accept this is it.
I tell myself all the time. I no longer beg God to give her back every night, only on occasion. 
I am learning to thank him for the life he gave me. I thank him for giving me almost 5 months with that girl. I thank him for taking care of her now.  But I still have in the back of my head that maybe, just maybe, this isn't it. Maybe he will give her back to me and I wont have to continue without her. There will be some miracle that happens and ill get her back.
Call me crazy. I do. Irrational. Selfish. Yes I am all of those things.
But its just because I adore her so much. Because she changed my life in such a unbelievable way. Because she gave me so much joy and love that I could never have imagined feeling.  It was so good with her. Every minute. Its hard to understand there will never been that pure, no strings attached, innocent kind of love again. I love my Heavenly Father. I know he is watching over me and he is holding me on these really hard days. I know he is keeping my baby happy and pain free. I just want her to.

2 years ago we were just getting started.  Our life was just as we wished. We had so many dreams and plans. We never guessed this is where we would be today.
Those days are long gone. Those naive soon to be parents had no idea what they were getting themselves into.  Not only for the amount of love they would produce in a fraction of a second with one glimpse of this little gooey thing. But for the incredible strength they would have to learn in a short amount of time. 
Those people 2 years ago were so dumb- ha- they definitely didn't get life. They definitely didn't get love. They definitely didn't get heart ache.
Those same 2 people 2 years later are still pretty dumb. Those people have alot more to learn. They have grown quite a bit but there is still so much more growing to do.  And they think they know it all. Boy are they wrong. Just you wait. See what will happen in just 1 more year.

I miss my Makenzie. I miss her beyond words. I wish I could feel peace all the time. I wish I could feel like I did in THIS post every day. That feel is amazing when I feel it. But I just cant feel that all the time. I am human and I have some very raw emotions. I know there will come a day ill feel those emotions more and more. It will be a good day. But right now. Its so not easy. Its so hard. She is still in every single thing I see. She is still in the front of my mind every second. The ache that I carry in my arms is still so incredibly heavy. I want her weight. I want her smell. I want her love. Seeing pictures makes me so happy yet so upset. I just want to reach out. Feel her. Feel that soft delicate skin. I just want so much.
She made my life so un-ordinary, so abnormal. But in such a magical and amazing way.

Kenzie Day #11

Kenzie Day #11 = Bowling!!

When its to cold outside, not enough snow, wet and dreary what do you do?

Grab a ball and go bowling!

2 games

a few baskets of fries

coke

really awesome shoes

= a wonderful night

the final score on our final game...

and this score of mine sucks but at least its better than my 57 on game #1

then it was balloon time.

lots of stars

+

pink and purples from gma

it was really dark so the pictures didn't turn out the greatest but they looked pretty cool floating away.

 and no, none of them caused any harm to the power lines.

then we stopped at the best lil joint down the street for some pizza and dessert. 

what a night. our family is pretty amazing.

its unbelievable that we have had 11 kenzie days.

hope you enjoyed our craziness kenz. it wasn't that funny when i guttered every ball.

we miss you like crazy babe.

love you.

Nana Nono

I love my Nana Nono aka: Grandma H.

She is such an amazing women.  She is so strong, so wise, so funny, so adorable.

Not to mention she is so loving.

We had a great little visit.

With my sweet family to.

I always new GMA as the cool lady who lived in Cali. We would go on great trips to see her and we always had a blast.  She gave good Christmas gifts and never forgot a single birthday.  She moved to Utah a couple years ago and lives about an hour from me. I absolutely love seeing her.

The life she had lead wasn't easy. I admire everything she has been through.

I hope one day, I can be half the person she is.

I just adore her.

When I grow up...

What did you want to be when you were little?
I have pretty much always wanted to do the same thing.
I wanted to run a daycare and be a Mom. My whole life. I used to make up stories that my mom, a sister, 2 or 3 sisters at 1 time even - was having a baby. I remember putting random objects under my shirt to make it look like I was pregnant. I would even leave the house like that...
I don't know what my problem was. I was weird. Still am. Really.
I was always into dolls, barbies, playing house, being a mom. ALL THE TIME. My mom would watch kids in the neighborhood and when they came over- they were mine. I would argue with my Mom what these kids could and couldn't do.  I would put on carnivals, plays, dance classes for the kids in my neighborhood. All in hopes the little ones would come play with me.
Your probably thinking I'm some weird crazy lady that you don't want your kids around :)
Believe me, looking back, I scare myself a little.
I have definitely stepped back on the "Mom" to all role.
I have always said I want 5 kids. Yeah-- 5---
Ryan always said he wouldn't have more than 2.
Ummm,
I told him I wouldn't marry him if he didn't give me at least 3. So 3 it was. Our "magic" number. Ha. If we count Milo and Harley-- We are done in the offspring department... woohoo... time to plan our retirement!

Right after I graduated I decided my plan was to get back into the kid world.
I wanted to work at a daycare. I applied to a couple places but decided against them since I found a better job working at a fabulous call center!
I went from that call center to a PT office to another call center. In between each job I applied at a daycare center. Each time I was offered a job but turned it down because of the lack of money.
WTF
I gave up my childhood dream because I needed a little extra dough in the wallet.
Yes. That is me. Dream killer.
As time has gone on, I realize it wasn't in the plan for me to work in my "Dream Job" because the path I have lead has brought me to where I am now.  I have been given amazing opportunities. Work with incredible people. Because of this path I have now created a whole new amazing path for our future.

So what do I want to be when I grow up...

I'm working hard and doing everything I need to in order to get there. The sacrifices we are making in life will lead us to that  "Dream" ending.

No its not running a daycare. Although I would love every second of that.

Its a totally different world that I ever imagined being in.  It wasn't in my plan, it wasn't in my dreams, it wasn't at all what I was "suppose" to do in life. But like everything else- Life happened.  So here I go. Diving in with both feet. Luckily I have the support of an amazing husband, amazing family and friends... even if they think we are nuts and totally ruining what we have worked so hard for, they still love us and will support our crazy new world.
For that- I'm so grateful.
For us, we are totally freaking out. Can you say lets totally change our life AGAIN!
Ill be in school for a WHILE longer. Feels like the rest of my life. HUGE changes are coming.
The reason/individual behind it all.... bet you will never guess..... HA.

So why am I being so secretive and vague. Because its now up to you to figure it out!
I wanted to play a little game and I wanted to see if any of you could guess what the heck I'm even talking about.  I have seen other bloggies do this so I figure I would give it a shot.
Its time for a giveaway!
What you will need to try and guess is what this whole big CHANGE will be, what am I going to be when i grow up!

Maybe ill help narrow it down for you...
Hint:
#1       Its a real profession
#2       The person behind it all is none other than my Makenzie Rye
#3       Schooling will be had for a LONG time
#4       It will require a big change in our life outside of school as well

So maybe those are not such great hints but it might help some.
So whats the giveaway?


* An Autographed picture of none other than ME!*



Ha, Just kidding, I want you to actually want to play!
Its going to be this super cute magnet stand!!!

Isn't it fun!
PLUS you will get to customize your magnet stand by telling me what color you want and what saying you would like.
Then ill make it special for YOU!

Please leave me a comment with your name, email address and your Guess!
If you guess right, YOU WIN.
If you guess wrong, as a punishment, you will be sent an autographed picture of me :)
If there is more than 1 person that guesses correct- Your name will be drawn from a hat.
The winner will be announced Friday November 19th 2010.
Good Luck.

This Want

Ryan and I stayed up late the other night watching her videos. They played on random so we went from her being home to her being in the hospital. The last video we watched before we went to bed was from the Friday before she passed away. It was a long video, a good friend was taping us bathe and dress her.

It started out with me holding her, still. Not being able to move because if I moved even an inch I could mess up the tubes. I tickled her face, she tried to look around as best as she could without really moving. They picked her up and put her in that tub. She was really uncomfortable. Her body was limp. She had lost just about all movement in her legs by this point. She would occasionally jerk her leg up but they were incredibly weak. It showed me fold her tiny little body into this bucket. I washed her as fast as I could since it was cold in the room.
The nurse and RT were the only ones who could pick her up. I never got to just hold her. Free. Without being tied down to a chair. I rubbed lotion on her body. She could hardly move, she couldn’t resist me twisting her and turning her body this way or that. I gave her mini massages on her legs and back. I slipped that dress on her from the legs up. I held her head up with the help of the RT so Ryan could tie the bow in the back, (that was a huge thrill for me- to hold her head up) and we finished with a white bow on her head.

This video hit us. To see the life she was in the middle of. Powerless. Almost 5 months. Barley able to move. Anytime her tubes moved she would cough uncontrollably and her body would shake. Her eyes were red and very heavy. That disease took over her body. She was fighting with all of her strength against it. Her feeding tube kept failing. Air bubbles kept forming in her belly. It was obvious it was near the end. I can see in those videos how she was holding on for us.

When it was over- it was the end.
It was like someone kicked me and kept kicking me. Over and over.
My heart stops.
You feel like your falling. No one can catch you.
Your life is different. So unbelievably different. In every possible way. From the first breath you take in the morning to the last one you take at night. Your world has changed. Every part of it.
The one thing you can walk away from with this experience is knowing you’re at the bottom. Knowing nothing in the world will ever make you this low again.
Now that feeling is scary. To know anything else can happen in life but nothing- nothing will make you feel worse than the feeling you’re in now.

I know that someday- at some point in this whole rocky road- there will come a time that it will all be worth it. Because I will see the life she was able to lead instead. I will see that she really is okay and that she is so beyond perfect. I will be able to hold her. I will never have to let her go again.

Now this feeling- this indescribable want- takes my breath away.

Thankful #2

1. Thankful for red gummy bears

2. Thankful for black boots

3. Thankful for the color purple

4. Thankful for AE sweatshirts

5. Thankful for Juicy Couture Perfume

6. Thankful for extra strength dog shampoo

7. Thankful for limes

8. Thankful for red sparkly nail polish

9. Thankful for pledge dust n' shine

10. Thankful for this lil thing that helps me remember all the good in the world.

Thankful

November is the month of Giving Thanks.
It hasn't started out the very best in my eyes. Thinking about the events that took place last year have not necessarily made me want to think of being thankful so far.  I know that sounds selfish. There is always so many things good in life so I should be sitting here with hundreds of things to list that I can be grateful for. But the only thing that comes to mind when I sit is her. Holding her last year. Sitting in the hospital room- just after her surgery. Thinking this was it. This is what would make things better.  She would be okay. We would go home soon and she would be getting better.  That was her first surgery. That was yesterday last year. Today we were home, with a sick little girl. We only had 10 more days home with her. 10.
Only 10 more days with her in our room, next to our bed. 10 more bath times, 10 more morning routines, 10 more nighttime routines. 10 more days home with our extremely sick, amazingly little girl. How was it ending so soon. With no warning.

With all of that. With the future the way it happened. I am still understanding the blessings. So today I am so grateful for 10 more amazing days home with her. Soaking her up. Kissing her every minute. Squeezing her all day. Holding her all night. I'm thankful for 10 more bath times. I'm thankful that even though she was so sick. I was able to be there to make her feel better.
I'm so thankful He gave me a little more time with her. I'm so thankful She held on.

Makenzie Laryngomalacia surgery was on Friday November 6

We were suppose to come home Saturday morning but Kenzie couldn't get off the oxygen.

We were discharged and sent home 11:00 am Sunday November 8.

It was raining that day. We were starving so we grabbed Betos and headed home.

We spent the day just laying around. Holding her.

Light the Sky

Ryan and I decided to do something a little different. 

It was night time. We wanted to send a balloon.

We grabbed one of these battery powered candles and blew up some balloons.

Let them go.

Watched them light the sky for what seemed like hours.

November 4th 2009

THIS was today last year.

I think she is pretty amazing. Those PJ's she is wearing- they are my most favorite ones. I made her wear them as much as possible. They had cupcakes all over them. They fit her perfectly. We didnt have many clothes that fit her good. She was long and very skinny (incert baby leggings). These were from gymboree and I bought as many as I could in this style. They were made for long skinny babies.

She looked so cute in them.

This night- we were watching the tele together. I was trying to feed her. It wasnt very successful. This girl wasnt eating much at the time. We now know its because she was using all her energy to breathe and didnt have any more strength to eat. It kills me to see this. To know the pain she was in.

I wish I could remember more from November 4th 2009. I wish I knew what we were doing, I wish I knew what I dressed her like that day. I wish I knew when we put her to bed, what story we read, if she got a bath in the morning or at night. I know it was a hard day because I was calling her pediatricain on a daily basis by this time asking what was going on. On November 4th 2009 I was planning on taking Makenzie to her doctors the next day. She wasnt getting any better.