Tracker

Tracker,

Oh my sweet boy. I cant even begin to explain the incredible love I have for you. My heart is constantly bursting with so much joy. So much gratitude. So much love. I cant begin to find the words to express what you have done to me. I feel I am living a dream. Such a beautiful dream. A dream that I have ached for. A dream that always seemed so far off. A dream that didn't seem possible. You came true. You are here and you are real. I find myself watching you most of the day. I cant take my eyes off of you. I love laying next to you. Nose to nose. I love feeling your breath. I love watching you dream. I sit there and just pray God lets me keep you. I pray I never have to say goodbye. You are my buddy. You and I already have a very special relationship. You know me. I love that you need me. I love that when you are hurting or just upset I can calm you down. I love that you watch me. You don't like when I go out of your view. I love that you grab my face, my neck, my hair, my chest, my finger.
I find myself spending hours just soaking you up. Trying to memorize every inch of you. Every movement you make. Every sound that comes out of you. I kiss you over and over. I cant get enough.
Oh my little man- you will never understand the amount of healing you have done for me. You have filled so much of that hole that has been in my heart. You have given me life. Its like you woke me up and have showed me what it means to live again. To breathe. To open my eyes. I didn't realize how much I have been missing. I didn't realize how broken down I was.
Tracker you remind me so much of your sister. I have so much love for her and miss her so much. I never thought I could love like I love her. I never thought it was possible. and then you came. and from the second I held you that love was there. That incredible. That amazing. That unconditional. Love.
and since that moment it has only grown. We talk about sister all the time. Dad and I love watching you smile uncontrollably at her pictures. We love watching you dream of her. and it warms my heart that when I play her videos on my phone you instantly lay there and watch. You don't take your eyes off of her. My eyes shift from her video to you. and I have to pinch myself. Every time. Its still so unreal to have her and you. How did I get so lucky? and how did I get so lucky to share you with your Daddy? As much as I wish our life, our story, was a little different. That your sister was here. I have to remember I wouldn't realize how lucky I am and I wouldn't really be able to love this much if it wasn't for what she did. If it wasn't for losing her.
I hope you can always feel her. and know she is with you.
Thank you for sharing your life with us.
Thank you for allowing us to be your parents.
You are my world Tracker.
You are my reason for breathing. You are my reason for smiling. You are why I never gave up.
I never dreamed of having someone as incredible as you come into my life. 
I cant wait to share the rest of forever together.
To watch you grow. To help you learn to live.
I will be by your side every step of the way.
I love you to the moon.
Love Mum

.Trackers Newborn pictures by Lou Lou Photography.