Life has been a whirlwind.
It's been amazing being a mum once again. I didn't realize how much I actually missed until tracker came. I knew there was so much missing in life but forgot some of the details. Looking at his carseat in the backseat, feeling his head nuzzled into my neck, endless poopy diapers, holding hands, kissing lips. I can't even explain how much love I feel for track. I worried about how life would be. I worried about loving and taking care of him well enough. It's unreal to me how incredibly smitten I am with my son. I have missed talking about my baby. I have missed holding my child. I have longed for this. Tracker has healed my heart more than I ever thought possible. I never thought this would be possible. To be happy. The most incredible purest joy.
I have been falling behind on my blog as well as every other daily task. My every second is spent getting back in the swing of being a mom. I didn't have this hard of a time with Makenzie but I second guess everything I do. I am ridiculously paranoid about everything. My anxiety is really horrible. I am working hard everyday to figure out how to juggle housework and making sure my baby is breathing, moving, eating and sleeping properly. I knew I would be worried about him but never imagined it be this bad. I have had horrible nightmares about losing him. I have had these images flash in my head of his lifeless body. The fear of anything happening is constant. I have many break downs and just pray that God doesn't take him away. I try to convince myself there is no way I could lose another child but I am very aware I am not exempt from having something happen again. I am not in control of what could happen in life and I can't stop it. The logic is there. I know the unlikely hood of something happening but that doesn't take away the fear. Not right now.
Tracker rarely gets put down. Mainly because he is a bit colicky. It's honestly the saddest thing ever. He cries for hours a day and hardly sleeps at night- just cries. My heart breaks and I just pray for him to get some comfort. I am reading and trying as many tricks as possible to help him. The most effective-- baths. I would let him soak in a tub all day if I could. He loves it. I think he has some reflux as well. I am watching my diet and trying to cut back on dairy, high fiber and veggies as these are all hard on their tummies.
No matter how little sleep I get or how many times we both break down and cry together. I am always holding him close. Kissing his face and thanking him for choosing me to be his mom. He is my love. I am obsessed with him. He is so incredible and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for every second of his life. I know how lucky I am to have him. To hold him.
Oh what I wouldnt give to hold makenzie. To have another day with her. Missing her has been great. Especially because I see so much of Kenzie in tracker. It's amazing and I love it. I worried it would be so hard to see her in him but it's the opposite. I love finding pieces of her. We talk about her everyday. Tracker dreams of her every time he closes his eyes. He starts smiling and I ask if he is dreaming of his sister an he starts smiling even bigger.
I have so much to write about our new life. Our new family of 4. I need to find time but just don't have enough hours in the day. I am being extra talented right now and feeding him and writing his on my phone with one hand. Greg it takes a while to type with 1 thumb :)
Life is so wonderful. It's hard but it's so worth it. Every minute with my son is an answer to many many prayers.