Friday, August 31, 2012

Miss Her.

I miss her.
I miss her more than and more all the time.
How is it possible to continue hurting this much?
I look through her pictures... over and over... I look at her eyes. her sweet sweet face. and there are times I have to remind myself that she was real. That she was here. In my arms. She was alive.
I cant believe she was mine. I cant believe I created her with Ryan. I cant believe I was her Mom.
and now I am 9 days away from meeting her brother. 9 days. I want her here. I want to be a mom of 2. I want to be soaking up my last moments with 1 baby before the next one comes.
Its still so hard.
I keep thinking things will just be okay. Things will get easier.
I think life in general and the ability to live has gotten easier.
but when it comes to her. when it comes to anything that pertains to my little girl. there is nothing easy about it. i miss her more than i can even put into words.
I have missed so much of her life. I have missed so much of who she would be today.
In my mind the only thing I can think is that she has pretty much frozen in time. She hasn't aged at all and when I die I will be greeted by my beautiful 4 month little girl. Then Ryan and I will get another chance to raise her in heaven.
I have had people tell me that's not what they believe but I don't care. I have to believe what I can in order to make this all a little more bearable.
I miss her.
I am scared to forget more and more. I am so worried she will not understand how much I love her.
I hate that her brother will not know her. He wont miss her. He wont be able to have memories with his sister. I hate that she isn't here.
I wish I could feel her more. I wish would dream of her. I pray everyday. over and over. that she is happy. That she is having a good day. That she knows how much her Mum and Dad love and miss her.
I pray I never will know this pain with baby T. I pray he isn't taken from me.

12 comments :

Trinity said...

My heart is so full reading this post. I honestly believe that T does and will know your little girl. I too believe that you will have a chance to raise your little girl in the life to come. I believe that she is waiting for you and knows full heartedly of your love for her and your willingness to keep her spirit alive through posts, charity events and your leggings project. I am sure that she smiles each and everyday as she watches and waits for you to continue through this life and she too is most likely counting down the days until she can be with her family again. The hurt will get easier, but it will never fade. You lost a part of you, an innocent child and that loss can never be made up for until the day you meet again. What a glorious day that shall be.

nargyle said...

I believe that too!

Melissa Cheney said...

I've been following your blog for well over a year now and I think I've commented a few times, but I read every post when I see that you've updated when I check Ashley Sullenger's blog.

A thought came strongly to my mind as I read your post just now: Your kids are together RIGHT NOW. They are loving each other and playing with each other!!! They are SO happy and your sweet girl is "teaching him the ropes." She will be his special angel his whole life.

I too believe that you'll have the opportunity to raise your little girl in the next life (I'm LDS). Makenzie got her "ticket to Heaven" early and now you guys are working hard to make it there too.

I want to tell you how impressed I am with what a devoted mom you are!!! You love your kids SO much and it shows with every post. I wish you the very best this next week--I can't wait to see your new sweet babe!

(PS--I have one daughter and her name is McKenzie. :) Best name, right? :)

Alesha said...

I have those same thoughts, fears, hopes etc all the time. I also think it is so true life gets easier to live but when you stop and really think about it still is just REALLY hard. ♥

Ashley said...

Praying for you Kendra <3

Robin said...

Praying for you and Ryan always!

Cee said...

I believe the same as you, our little baby boy will be our forever baby. When we meet he'll wake up in my arms and we'll have our forever time together. That's the only thing that keeps me going, believing that one day we'll have our special time together in that peaceful place. I wish it could be different and I wish he could be here with me but I know that isn't possible so I hold on to that thought. And yes I can totally understand your hurt. It hurts so much it's a like physical pain in your chest. I was told it never goes you just learn to cope with it and I have accepted that that's the way it is. I feel the 'ache' in my heart but I know a piece of my heart has is with my little boy and so that ache is 'ok' because it is for him and always will be. Someone told me 'the pain doesn't go, your legs just get stronger with every step you take to help you carry the pain'. CJ xxx

Simply Shannon said...

You just keep believing what comforts you! God promised us Heaven, with no tears or pain, and I believe that is true. Heaven will be exactly what you need to praise Him for eternity-and that means having your precious baby to love and hold. Praying for you as you count the days until you meet your son.

Satterlees said...

I think she is with baby T hugging and kissing Til they get to see each other again. I know she loves you and wants you to be happy just like you want her to be happy friend.
I'm so excited for baby T and wish I could give you a big hug. Xoxoxoxo

Melissa said...

Just one quick comment. When you say that you it hurts you that baby T will not miss her, I just believe that he will because your memeories will become his memories. I know that sounds weird but she will NEVER be forgotten in your home which means he will always be hearing about her, and he WILL love her too and I know that it is no where near what you want or need but hopefully it can help a little. Enjoy these last few days of pregnancy, soon your aching arms will be filled again!

Kerri said...

I believe with all my heart that you will get to raise her and that she is happy. She is with God and heaven is a happy place. Baby T will know his sister through you and Ryan and he will know her personally one day. Baby T is with her right now and she is probably telling him how lucky he is to have you guys as parents. I'm so sorry you have to go through this pain. Nobody should ever have to feel the kind of pain that you guys have. I'm so excited for you to have a baby and feel like a mom again.

brigette said...

I bet shes in heaven loving on him right now! Telling him all the awesome stuff about you guys!! You will raise her im sure of it. I love u guys!! You are sooooo close!! Hugs mama!!

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