I miss her.
I miss her more than and more all the time.
How is it possible to continue hurting this much?
I look through her pictures... over and over... I look at her eyes. her sweet sweet face. and there are times I have to remind myself that she was real. That she was here. In my arms. She was alive.
I cant believe she was mine. I cant believe I created her with Ryan. I cant believe I was her Mom.
and now I am 9 days away from meeting her brother. 9 days. I want her here. I want to be a mom of 2. I want to be soaking up my last moments with 1 baby before the next one comes.
Its still so hard.
I keep thinking things will just be okay. Things will get easier.
I think life in general and the ability to live has gotten easier.
but when it comes to her. when it comes to anything that pertains to my little girl. there is nothing easy about it. i miss her more than i can even put into words.
I have missed so much of her life. I have missed so much of who she would be today.
In my mind the only thing I can think is that she has pretty much frozen in time. She hasn't aged at all and when I die I will be greeted by my beautiful 4 month little girl. Then Ryan and I will get another chance to raise her in heaven.
I have had people tell me that's not what they believe but I don't care. I have to believe what I can in order to make this all a little more bearable.
I miss her.
I am scared to forget more and more. I am so worried she will not understand how much I love her.
I hate that her brother will not know her. He wont miss her. He wont be able to have memories with his sister. I hate that she isn't here.
I wish I could feel her more. I wish would dream of her. I pray everyday. over and over. that she is happy. That she is having a good day. That she knows how much her Mum and Dad love and miss her.
I pray I never will know this pain with baby T. I pray he isn't taken from me.