Things have been rather chaotic around our area.
There are lots of new opportunities, lots of new adventures, lots of stuff happening.
Something’s are exciting. Something’s are just life. Something’s are terrifying.
I feel like things are always crazy in our home and I honestly would love to slow down a little and just have things be boring. Routine. I should be thankful that life is keeping me on my toes but I guess its one of those things that when you have it you don’t really want it and when you don’t have it you do want it.
I am thanking God everyday for our life though and for the things we have to look forward to.
Getting closer to this little boy coming is both exciting and very scary.
I keep telling myself things will be good and fall into place the moment he arrives. and when I say things-- I mean the emotional things. The whole part about us being parents again is keeping me up at night.
Its been hard when people ask if this is my first or second. I always respond with our second. We have a girl and now having a boy. They get so excited for us and start asking question after question about if our girl is excited and ready and that we must be pro's at the whole parenting thing now and that #2 isn’t that bad. There is some advice given but mainly people just assuming we are already in the routine of family life and this will be a piece of cake. Working at a baby store I have only told people my baby isn’t still alive to maybe 2 people.
I have gotten pretty good at knowing how to answer questions when people ask about my kid/s. I have been able to come up with some good answers to a fictitious life that I only dream about.
I’m sure many of us at some point in our lives have looked at another and kind of envied what they have.
I have found myself guilty of that more in the past couple years than ever. I am doing better at just being thankful for what I have and being grateful for the unique life we live but it can be hard. It can make for frustrating days when everything seems to be going wrong and everything’s going right with someone else. Which we all know is not accurate. We all are living with different issues and no one has it perfect.
but we like to imagine someone does right.
Anyway... back to what I was talking about... We only have 1 trimester left until this little boy will be in our house. Such a short amount of time until life will change. Such a short amount of time to get ready for him. Such a short amount of time to prepare for my heart to grow. I have been missing Makenzie so much. Missing that short life we had with her. I pray we get much more time with baby T. I pray we don’t ever have to say goodbye to him. I pray I never have to know what its like to hold my child’s lifeless body again.
I am so anxious for our family to begin as a family of 4. I am so anxious to have a son.
I want to be a Mom.
I know life is always changing and for us it might never slow down. We might always feel like things are making a complete 180 change every week but I know that no matter what I have everything I need. I am thankful for a healthy pregnancy. I am thankful God is allowing me to carry this baby and that he is giving me a chance to be a parent again.
I might be having issues with depression and this weird separation anxiety from Ryan and all the other little complaints about pregnancy but I am honestly so thankful for my life. I am so thankful for the time I had with Makenzie. I wish more than anything she was here. I wish I could have held onto her for a while longer but I am now finding myself just thanking God for taking care of her. For keeping her smiling and for helping her understand how much her mom and dad miss her. I am thankful for this little life we get to welcome into our home. I am scared about being a Mom again. I am scared about his little life and I am scared about all the regular responsibilities that come with kids but I can’t be more thankful for getting this new start.
When it comes to preparing for him. I am letting things fall through the cracks. I want to get stuff done. I want to get his room all ready and set up. I need to get a pediatrician picked out. I want to read up on all those books that are going to help me get him on the same routine we did with Makenzie. but I have no will to do it. I have every intention to. I have gone to the hardware store I have to say a dozen times and have yet to make purchases. I carry that book around with me but have yet to open it up. I have a list of numbers to call to interview pediatricians but have never made the call. When I think about what we will do when he gets here I honestly freak. I have no clue. I feel like we are doing this for the first time. Except without the over eager excitement. I am so excited to have him in my arms but I am terrified of everything else. I haven’t quite figured it all out and why I am putting everything off. I find other things to keep myself busy and just don’t do those things that honestly stress me out having undone. I feel like i'm always stressed because I can’t stop thinking about what needs to be done but then I stress even more when I start to do it. What the hell is happening?! I think about where I was with Makenzie at this time. What we had done and what I have done now. hmmm... totally different. We painted his room and I did get his dresser painted BUT no hardware put on it. and that’s it. There are still piles in his room, no decor, no newborn diapers, no thermometers, no diaper bag packed, no wipes... We do have a pair of cowboy boots so we are ready in that aspect! I guess we have the necessities in Ryan’s mind :)
I know we still have time. We have over 2 months. but what scares me more than not having things done is just how undesirable everything is to me. I don’t want to be in a slump when he comes. I don’t want to be sad. so that is what I am trying my hardest to figure out and change.
I remember with Makenzie having those baby blues before she came. I kept reading online that sometimes the post pardon stuff actually can start before the baby even gets here. I was so worried about how I would be once she arrived and other than 1 breakdown I was pretty good after she came. We stayed busy together, we were happy and I had a great support system. I am kind of hoping this is just the same type of thing. That when he gets here things can just simmer down a bit emotionally. That I can just take every minute with him and enjoy it. That I can soak it all in. That I wont be wishing time would speed up.
Every minute he gives me of his life will be a blessing and I just hope I can live up to being the mom he deserves.